Sup fellas?

It’s been tense these past few years between us hasn’t it?

While we were traveling, going away to school, starting a gym routine and having sex with women of different races/cultures you were here in Nassau disappointing our future wives, girlfriends and side chicks.  .

I know, it was weird when all of us came back home. We changed. See in high school you were accustomed to dudes maybe a few pounds heavier or really skinny. We dressed like you and our fashion was as stagnant as yours. From a dating perspective we all had more or less the same game: we lotioned these females and begged for their attention. Some of us were so desperate we had to deal with the chubby friend on the low just to get by.

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“She is the physical manifestation of the dues I had to pay”

 

But we did it….My God we did it. We struggled through the bad weaves, undeserved dinners and 3am drives around the island praying to receive what would probably result in the saddest hand job of our existence. Shit was rough in the early 2000’s. But for some reason we evolved and adapted and somehow……you didn’t. So let’s have a chat so I can fully explain the differences between you and I.

Firstly understand that we are not enemies. Quite the contrary: We need y’all. Don’t get this twisted and think that because we’re different that our goals aren’t the same: We all just want women. This is what it’s all been about from day one. Know why we need you? Because initially no guy really knows what type of dude a chick is into until they check her resume. If you didn’t exist then we would never know she was into dudes with gold teeth and criminal records.

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“Too many of your ex’s are named after colors, weapons and deceased gang members so unfortunately I’m gonna have to ask you to settle for a side piece position”

We need you to help us weed these females out so that we all can be happy. When you really think about it it’s a win-win. You get all the females who think potential imprisonment is sexy, while I get the ones that love the fact that I can read full sentences without pause. We’re all winning here, people!

And that’s not to say that all your women are jungless and mine are peaches. Oh contraire! I know a shit ton of office, private school chicks that live for the 30yr old thug the same way I know a lot of refurbished jungless that want a “fella” in a fitted shirt and converse.

There’s plenty pickins out here for all of us my friends! However, we need to set a few ground rules.

First off stop making fun of our clothes. Listen I know it’s insane to you that I don’t own 128 Nautica or Tommy Hilfiger polo shirts. I know it’s crazy that my car isn’t the best, my phone isn’t the newest and my Jordan’s aren’t the most recent. That shit drives you niggas crazy.

Look at this broke nigga with no bling

Look at this broke nigga with no bling

But we don’t make fun of the fact that you’ve been sporting the same fashion since ’95 so why you gotta throw jeers my dude? Find your chill and let’s co-exist. But the petty comments about why my arms are bulging out of my shirt while your arms swim in yours are just ridic. No, my short sleeves don’t touch my elbow and there’s a reason for that: I gym.

Ya, I know, I’m about to talk about fitness but dude that shit is key. How you want a chick with a 10 face and a 10 body when you have a murder face with a beer belly? That’s not fair and you know it. Step your game up and if not then make a ton of money cause chicks will love your money way more than they will ever love my fitness. The fact that women try to argue against this shows the insanity of our species. It’s so well documented throughout history. Lame niggas with money will always win that is the way of the world accept it and move on, gals like boat what can I say?

That’s fact.

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Also we need to talk about your social media etiquette cause that’s also becoming an issue.

Despite the fact that we are different there are a shit ton of females that have no idea how to decipher who is who. They think all men are the same because Love and Hip Hop…

"ALL y'all is Stevie"

“ALL y’all is Stevie”

 

Follow me: When you slide in those DM’s and poke and text and message her for a month with minimal to no response do you realize the predicament you put me in when I hit her with the “Hey you”? You harassed her to the point of frustration and now I’m just another thot nigga. Send two messages, my dude. TWO. A standard non offensive greeting followed by another message to buffer said greeting so she doesn’t think you’re a stalker or rapist.

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“Hey, I just saw your status about watching Lifetime for hours. I do too…..LoL.”

Note that “LoL”. That’s all the difference from “this nigga is weird” to “oh he means me no harm and oh look he used “too” properly.”If she never responds then keep it moving. If she does respond then happy hunting. Relegate your creepy DM stalker messages to women of like mind and stop beta testing that shit on every woman on Facebook. And let’s be clear, you can DM my girl or “girl” all day. Knock yourself out.

Oh I know you’re DM’ing her. We talk about you all the time actually, shit is comedy son. In fact if your girl or “girl” does not tell you who’s DMing her be wary. Problem comes in when you’re doing it to actual single females because that’s their excuse as to why they’re single in the first place. “Men are all the same”. Hit them with the 1-2 text punch and if she doesn’t bite then forward movement. That’s life……and speaking of life: Can y’all niggas please stop beating/killing these chicks in a fit of jealous rage?

 

I’m tired of reading the news and another one of you has done some asinine murder suicide because you caught your girl slipping. Bro if you catch your girl cheating then she’s just a bad girl and know what she just did for you? Let you KNOW she’s a bad girl and now you can go find someone who won’t have sex with your best friend. Y’all niggas also have to stop living in the double standard era where you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want, but she isn’t. See it’s not the act it’s the deception that probably got you. Men are awful liars we can’t hide who we are we say accept it or not, but women are ninjas at you will never know bro. Please don’t listen to Drake aka Captain Save-A-Hoe

“She’s a stripper, Aubrey. She was never a good girl and she never knew it”

“She’s a stripper, Aubrey. She was never a good girl and she never knew it”

Understand that once a female is found out to be bad that she is no longer “yours”. She belongs to Nassau now. Think of it like this: When a parent is unfit to take care of a child then that child becomes a ward of the state. That’s not your girl anymore, bruh.

That’s OUR girl. And OUR girl is very social she almost has to be. She obviously just wants to do her thing so you have to let her. No need to beat or kill her and all this extra shit. Do what I did when it happened to me: Punch a wall, cry for a month or so, grab a bottle of scotch and a 3 piece and get over it.

Life goes on.

And if none of that is reason enough consider this: When was the last time you heard of a woman murder suiciding ANY dude she was in love with?

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“Except for these folks. I’ll address them in a minute”

And guys can we agree to stop lying? No no not to women….let’s not go crazy here. I’m talking to each other.

What’s the first rule in the player manual?

You don’t lie on vagina.

You NEVER say you had sex with a female you KNOW you didn’t. Do you understand the level of bitchassness associated with that action? See you think that by telling me this lie that 1) I’ll stop my pursuit and 2) you look like a boss. Did you not get the memo? You think little things like “boyfriends” and “husbands” stop niggas from going for your girl? Dude that’s a speed-bump. If your girl wants to be with you then trust me heaven nor hell could pull her away. But if she wants to cheat…….

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“This guy has over $50 million dollars and his girl cheated on him with a singing ass nigga that none of you know. #TorontoNiggas #Gals”

Stop trying to handcuff females with your lies. We WILL find out and we WILL make fun of you when we do.

The problem here is y’all LOVE to lotion these females and it’s been a problem for years that no one wants to address for some reason. Are there gorgeous, good, amazing females on this island? Absolutely. Do ¼ of these females deserve the title of Battlecat or amazing? Fuck no.

And ladies miss me with the “all women deserve praise” foolishness. Oh you believe everyone deserves to feel good about themselves because everyone is “beautiful” right?

K…..then why did none of you stand up for these poor bastards?

Where was the empowerment article about male beauty condemning that annual competition? The difference is women don’t lotion (unless boats are involved). Y’all call a nigga ugly to his face. We the only ones out here pretending or in many cases oblivious. Guys, if I tried to sell you my beat up Japanese car for $100,000 you would look at me sideways. Then why are you being extra with these regular chicks? Just cause she light skin doesn’t mean she looks good guys.

I fall victim to that shit as well….it’s no judgment.

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“I can’t see her face but I know she fine, king!”

However, at some point you gotta face reality: sometimes they’re not cute. Stop treating some Michael Jackson looking female like she’s Halle Berry is all I’m saying.

And to the other Bahamian “men”

…yeah you “guys”.

I’m gonna lump y’all in with penis wielding crew because for some reason you think you are actual men. Let’s be clear, I’m not talking to the general lesbian population. I support you folks. I pray we all eat vagina tonight. I’m talking about the hyper masculine wanna be men crew that seem to be all the rage of late. Find your chill, Miss. Yes I know you all carry firearms so I’m gonna choose my words wisely here. If you are out with your girl and dudes look at her then understand this is not the time to grow a dick. That happens to the hetero guys as well so what made you think that wouldn’t happen to you? I legit had some 150lb, Lil Wayne look-a-like give me murder eyes because me and my boys glanced in her girl’s direction.

Oh don’t get me confused, I was scared shitless. I’m not a small guy so when a 150lb anybody looks at me like they want to fight me I get nervous. I just assume you have a weapon and I 100% do not have the stamina to outrun a human let alone a bullet. But this overcompensation of masculinity is starting to be a thing with you women. Chill. I’m treating y’all like equals so the same shit I said earlier applies to you as well. If your girl is your girl then you have 0 to be concerned about. But if she isn’t really about that life then you need to let that robin fly, Madam. No need for late night shoot outs and house burning. These are just a few thoughts from a guy in a tight shirt to the average Bahamian male. I’m just trying to get you as woke as we are.

Happy Hunting and Godspeed, gents.

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