By Drew

 

Yes, I know its not Friday….its Wednesday; the lesbian sister of Monday that people accept but don’t really understand but we’re ok with it. Wednesday is like that aunt with the 8 cats and female “best friend” of 26 years that always has on mens shoes.

Haircuts don’t lie, Karen. You’se a lesbian and that’s ok

Typically I would have written this on Friday but I felt like this was too important for us to follow rules. We’re beyond the limitations of rules and regulations now. This situation with BEC went from “summer comin, we ga die” to…

“…did this nigga just say they ga mess with people power cause they bout to lay people off? #WeJustGaDie #JesusBeTheGenerator “

I hope you guys can forgive me but I’m writing a letter to the BEC union man in the news on behalf of ALL of us because I frankly don’t feel comfortable leaving this in Huey Minnis hands.

Sigh.

Hey, BEC.

I talked a lot of shit about you 2 years ago. Remember that article?

My battery on 69% lol (I’m a child)

Now y’all out here talking reckless and have me sitting in my apartment like….

I relate to this chubby idiot on a spiritual level

Let me start off by saying I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have written that.

Know how sorry I am? I keep calling you by your maiden name, BEC, because I remember who you used to be. You used to cut our light off for reasons like lightning, load shedding, rain, excess pigeons, etc.

The good old days!

See, BEC…if I may, I am a child of the long night. I remember being 12 years old in San Souci and the light going off at 7pm and not coming back on until 7am as you bask in a sweaty pool of your own making. These millennials don’t know bout your light getting cut off off air. They are children of, what i like to call, the long winter.

If your light get cut off and comes back on and your room still cool from said outage then you are a child of the long winter #History

I feel like if you never had a fry sausage sandwich then you shouldn’t have an opinion on whats happening at BEC….and no one born in the 90’s know how to make a fry sausage sandwich so y’all  need to relax.

But I digress.

If I’m being honest, ine even really sure why y’all mad. I know its the union and blah blah blah downsizing blah blah blah threats against the prime minister blah blah.

I’m not here for all that.

If you want details on this ask the false god Ricardo Wells or some newsy person who gives a shit. All I know is, during that interview, I heard the union chief hint at sabotaging people light and to that I say….

Sing “Don’t” with me everyone…..sing it with all your heart and soul. SING IT I SAID!!

I have many fears, BEC Union man

I’m terrified of overly smart children, flying roaches, AIDS, anal rape and taking a shit in a strangers toilet and, upon flushing, the water fucking rises instead of collapses.

I know….all legitimate, all worthy of fear.

But nothing scares an overweight, sweaty ass nigga more than the threat of sabotage to the only power company on a hot ass island IN THE GODDAMN SUMMER.

Ladies and gentleman, I don’t know about you but this is def-con 10. This is it….this is the summer of our fears.

Pictured above: Future footage of the heat death coming for us if BEC Union do shit

BEC union guy, I implore you……don’t do this.

Sir I don’t know what you want. I don’t even know what your issue is. I just know I wanna have sex with a vagina this summer and I cant do that if you keep messing with my ductless. My main question to you is why us bey? You realize you are us right? Who light you turning off, beloved?

Your plan ain making sense.

I sure you have family out east who ga cuss you if you sabotage that generator. Family west who ga cuss you etc etc. This plan dumb.

Pardon me….I was rude just now and you made news channels bleep you out where you was cussin so much so clearly you don’t give a fuck bout nuttin. Your press conference was lowkey lit tho ine ga lie. Dude was out here like…

First off, fuck your bitch and the click you claim… #ThePeoplesTime

Fire…..pure fire in the booth, beloved.

BEC union guy, I get it. You mad. You’re a man of the people and you wanna see the government do right BY the people you represent. Ine mad at you. Just hear me out.

Ready?

Why dont you cut off THEIR lights?

Hear me out. I know they all have generators and we all know how they got em.

“Per chance would you take a VAT check? I have tons of them so…..”- 98% of Bahamian Politicians

Cut off their lights…..most of them live out west anyway and western new providence doesn’t get the treatment the inner city and out east get. They typically have power all through the summer save maybe Gambier who i’m sure they just cut their lights off to remind niggas that they niggas.

“They still telling people they live “out west”? lol. Cut them off again to remind them of their place! “

Cut off their light for bout 10 hours or whatever the standard amount of time is for generators to run. Don’t worry….they out west people….they can’t fight. Y’all ga get couple angry emails and some very articulate but firm phone calls but no real drama. Huey will say something Trump-like to the media but he fuckin up so much lately we’re all just hoping Brent Symonette cuts off his food supply and assumes his proper place in government as overlord Leader.

Well damn it Brent we didnt know….communication, beloved!

Do that and I promise they wont fire anyone or increase parking spaces….whatever it is y’all fightin for.

Also, who is this gal on whatsapp talkin bout y’all need to not work overtime and go on go-slow? First of all when were y’all NOT on go slow? The entire reason to GET a government job is for the fact that you can not work, not get fired and get paid to not work and not get fired. If thats not true then y’all need to send back my application for “guy that watches as others dig a hole during rush hour traffic” position that I applied for.

I have daydreams about this level of laziness….legit daydreams

And “don’t work overtime”? Now you messin with the second reason to work a government job: All that unnecessary, but somehow sanctioned, sweet ass government overtime. Niggas start their 9am job at 3pm just so they fresh and ready to kill another couple of hours because their girlfriend say summer comin and that flat belly tea wont buy itself.

…and on the 5th year of obesity my true love gave to me….

I can only imagine how Bahamian expats feel watching this shit show back at home, bey. I’m sure they in a Walmart enjoying every day low prices and convenient locations looking at their Facebook news feed like…

“…light never been off in Orlando but keep making fun of my “fake accent” tho…lol “

Listen, BEC union guy: I…nay….WE dont want that smoke. No, literally….I legit think this island will set on fire if y’all do this. Ok maybe I’m running out but that’s how serious this is to me.

Don’t do this.

Don’t cut the light out because the night is dark and full of terrors. I’m not built for another long summer. I don’t serve the lord of light. I’m the child of a lesser God….a humble benevolent god that believes that y’all can get your shit sorted.

I believe that winter is coming.

Don’t do this. We’re sorry we took you for granted. We’re sorry for the jokes, sorry for the phone calls. Sorry for cussin y’all out when we drive by in fear our light is off. Sorry for those words that dare enter our mouths when that flicker happens and you know you have 10 seconds before that flicker turns to darkness and heat. I’m sorry for what we say in that moment…

“Watch BEC do fuck man!!!!”

But, unlike Minnis and this circus he’s running….I come bearing gifts.

Give us a cool summer. I know I know y’all cant promise to keep the light on ALL summer. Beloved, no one’s perfect.

Goddamn it, Sade, not now! You’re perfect too but not now, babygirl

Give us a good summer of day time outages and hour long night outages and if you do this…..if you can just let go of whatever is bothering you I will give you back your hearts desire.

Do we have a deal? #ThePrinceThatWasPromised

We love you and we’re sorry,

Signed, The rest of us.

 

Stay(electrically)Woke

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