What Bahamian Men Really Want (The 2022 Edition)

By Drew

When did we get so divided? Was it Samson and Delilah? Was it what Prince Charles did to Diana so publicly? No one knows. Me personally I blame the movie “Waiting To Exhale”for the great divide between women and men through the years.

That was a problematic time for men….

This scene happened and then Mary J Blige sang that one song and NOTHING WAS THE SAME #WeenEvenDoNothin

Every time a hurt woman who has been cheated on, left or ghosted has come to me concerning their male paramour I want to explain to them where they went wrong but I’m usually drinking so instead of the words of this article that I’ve typed, read over and edited….I end up saying…

“lol…niggas, bey” – Me

Well, I have time, energy and audacity in spades so if you truly wanna know what Bahamian men really want then read at your own peril.


Ladies, I get it: The wheels of time are turning and you’re not getting any younger. If you let women tell it, by the time they hit 30+ their ovaries are drying up, their health failing and if they don’t get married in the next 2 weeks then all is lost and the war over. They legit sound like dying war vets on dates…..

“I have twerked my knees out. The darkness is coming for me and if your 2 year plan does not include me then I fear I will not survive the winter….so on this first date I need to know….”

Ladies you can’t expect us to be in the physical, mental or emotional rush you’re in. Now to many of you that’s a slight that you can not endure to which I say, godspeed and good luck! But understand my semen will live and fight until the war is over and my body stops. So that sense of urgency that you may feel…..I don’t. I know you’re over 30 and you didn’t believe life would be this way and, trust me…..I’m right there with you.

I thought this would be me at 25 once college was over…..wearing cargo shorts like a good christian nigga

…but life didn’t pan out like that….

Pictured above: Me and Shonny discussing Love is Blind…at length. I’m 40 and this was an important conversation for me

So be patient with us. Now inevitably some not-happy-with-most-men young lady is gonna say….


Well, thanks for that perfect segue not-happy-with-most-men, lady….perfect segue into….

Learn How To Date!

If you ask the average Bahamian what it means to date the answer is typically somewhere within the area of exclusivity: You’re mine, I’m yours and we’re “dating” towards the goal of marriage. Um, that’s not dating, beloved. Dating is when 2 people see each other with the knowledge that their lines of communication are open to other people, situations and possible sexual partners. Bahamians, male and female, be tryin to lock you down after one plate of Seafront Sushi.

“So, babygirl, now that I bought you food….we goin now right? And thas MY pussy now correct? Cause….you know….sushi…” #Niggas! #GalsTooAsWell!

Fun fact: did y’all know dating could also mean multiple consensual sexual partners that, once you’re being honest with them, you’re technically dating? If I tell you I’m out here doin me but wanna see where we go and you still let me have sex with you I am NOT cheating on you…..gotta read the terms and conditions.

….exactly how Ariel got into HER predicament but y’all blame my thick ocean queen Ursula because homegirl didn’t get a lawyer to read over her shit. SMT

Dating is taking your time, getting to know someone and, if you feel like taking your shit with that person to another level then have at it. But learn that it takes time…..not fucking 2 years. If that nigga takes 2 year to decide if y’all exclusive or not, and you haven’t chalked him off as a fuckbuddy, then, beloved….that’s a personal problem not a “niggas ain shit” moment.


“I can’t believe I gave him my body, mind and soul for 6 years after he repeatedly told me we were just friends and didn’t want to be with me! How could I let him use me and manipulate me like this!!!” #You’reNotAVictim #You’reAVolunteer

Know your worth but also know your limits and act accordingly.

Respect Our Peace/Space

Do y’all understand a mans peace? You think its food, video games, and alcohol don’t you? You think we’re SOOOO simple that we can sit in a house with no furniture only a tv, a chair, music, food and liquor and just be “A-ok” don’t you?

….well you’re right. This is a nightmare for a woman. This is BLISS for a man.

A man’s peace and a man’s space are PARAMOUNT. I don’t wanna assume what women require for peace though y’all do seem to LOVE errands, brunch and bottomless mimosas. But a man’s peace is so simple and relaxing. Half the time we just wanna be alone…..for a minute. This is where it gets tricky. You come home from work and some of you from the door are on DEMON time….

“BABY you wouldn’t believe my day because Amanda that cuntsicle from accounting had the nerve to think I gave a shit about her hangover and I’m sitting there like BITCH no one cares but then remember I told you that she had had sex with Brandon remember brandon who is friends with Meredith and…..babe are you listening to me?”

No….no, I’m not.

I blacked out at “hangover” actually.

Now I’m thinking about the show “Ultimatum” on Netflix and texting Shonny about it while you say things out of your mouth hole.

…ok no but the guy really looks like Randy Smith for real tho! #MeAndShonnyIsBeDeepInTheseShows #judgeYaMa

Word of advice, ladies…..read the room.

If you walk in and your man looks sullen and tired and weary and you ask about his day and he has a miserable tone to his answer then, do me a favor: Kiss your nigga on the forehead, tell him you love him and that you’ll be in the other room and whenever he’s ready to talk, eat or both to let you know.

Guran-fucking-teed that man at first he will be like….

“….is this a trick or is she cheating or….did I fuck up? What mental witchcraft is this?”

But then after the paranoia settles? He’ll be like this in an hour or 2…

“…and its not that Paul doesn’t know how upset I get when he talks about my weight issues and I wasn’t mad that he did I was just disappointed and….you want ice cream, babe? I need ice cream and a hug” #You’reTheCaptainNow

Niggas wanna be near you but not at all but also need your hugs and cuddles but don’t be clingy because stop that.

Make sense?

Give niggas an hour to catch themselves and get their mind right THEN tell them about the bitch Amanda at work you can’t stand. We just need time away from y’all sometimes to just be men and that includes doing nothing, saying nothing and enjoying nothing….and it’s a GREAT time!

Learn To Apologize!

We’ve all seen the memes and jokes of women refusing to say they’re sorry. It’s a real thing in The Bahamas. I don’t know what causes it or when it started but women seem to have this thing that they are averse to saying they are wrong WHEN they are irrefutably wrong. You could prove to her the sky is blue with math and science and she’ll be like….

“…yeah well them hoes mussy was wearing blue so that’s how you know colors all of a sudden NIGGA! Ya ma sorry not me, sweet boy!”

And, God forbid they are wrong to the point that they HAVE to admit it then you get the most half assed, backwards, around the bush apology ever.

“Ok I’m sorry that I burned your car to the ground, Greg….I thought your mother was some gray haired whore you had in your front seat. Are you happy now? Cause I can list your transgressions right now Mr.Perfect so relax.”

Keep in mind when WE are wrong y’all want the world and then some. Niggas could take the garbage out 10 minutes later than requested and y’all will be on some….

“I know we’ve been talking about this for 5 hrs but do you REALLY get why the garbage represents your lack of commitment to this relationship? I know you apologized profusely but I need to know you REALLY sorry and REALLY get it….let me start over!”

Keep that same energy.

Yes, sex is that important.

Listen I don’t know how you women do it. Y’all be out here talking about…

“Girl I haven’t had penis in 8 years and my thing is ya don’t miss what ya don’t have am I right? Let’s drink until that makes sense to us!”

More power to you ladies but men need sex. If you’re not a sexual person or don’t enjoy sex in general or WITH your person then please exit the relationship and let that man go be happy.

And, yes, I really mean that.

It blows my mind that in 2022 women think not fucking their nigga for months isn’t gonna lead to cheating or a porn addiction. Queen….are you kidding? Of course, we his friends, co-sign him cheating.

Initially we’re like….

“No, brother! Bahamian men don’t cheat! We must, in earnest, pray this cheating demon away as to save your marriage to the young benevolent queen, Sasha!”

But then nigga lets us know that Sasha hasn’t given him any vagina for months and we’re like….

“Carefully, brothers! We’ll take him to where the hoes are at and let them revive him with their mouth pleasures forthwith! Carefully I said!”

Now, let me be clear….if your nigga ain shit and bills ain paid, BEEN cheating on you regardless, don’t help around the house and is frankly a fucknigga? Then God bless…..he doesn’t deserve the pumpum. But, beloved, if y’all bills paid and that nigga still telling you you’re sexy and he loves you and out here washing dishes, doing laundry, handling the kids, and doing his goddamn job and you STILL ain givin him no pussy?

…REALLY? Are you kidding?

I know some women right now that will suck his soul out his body for half of that effort, are you kidding? Y’all out here thinking….

“What he ga do with his fat ass? Leave? Find a better woman than ME? LMAO”- y’all

….some woman WAITING for him to drop that “In a Relationship with…” out his profile is sitting back like…

Play then

And yes I know sex requires communication and honesty and conversation and compromise and all that. But if you keep shutting that man down while simultaneously holding kids, mortgage and marriage over his head then what you expect him to do?

And if you let her tell it?

“..and I was EVERYTHING to him. I DID everything for him. I’m a good woman and a fantastic mother and I don’t know what else he could have possibly wanted from me as a good, educated, God fearing woman!”

…did ya fuck him, Beatrice? Cause…all that is cute but if we not busting nuts then….

…be safe tho