What Your (Ghetto) Bahamian Private School Says About You (Pt 1.5)

By Drew

A few years back I wrote an article about this very topic and, on purpose, skipped over a few private schools. Reason being, I didn’t think the world was ready to hear the truth about these schools because, let’s be honest, there are levels to everything in life. I bet you didn’t know your parents had a favorite child and its probably not you….

“I don’t like Karen AT ALL, bey. Can we like….give her away? Is 38 too late to disown a person you made?” #AskingForMyMom #NotKidding

If we can acknowledge that fact then we can have a conversation about how not all private schools were created equal, and some of them were just plain ghetto.

Now, that being said….its 2020. So we have to address the “woke” folks among us because trust me they already pressed.

“Fridays with Andrew is a weekly reflection of the male patriarchy mansplaining to women and the public things that upset me and should upset you. In this essay that only me, my friends, and 1 bitch nigga trying to get likes on twitter cares about……”

…so I gotta run the “woke nigga” disclaimer. Padneye.


Good day, Monsters:

This article is satire based on wild generalizations, my own very very stupid observations and, in NO WAY, reflects how I think people should be treated who are alumni of the school or presently IN the school. No one cares what school anyone goes to….can you imagine judging someone based on their school after graduation?

“You’re gorgeous, smart, sexy and just everything I could want but…..you went to CH Reeves….ain y’all just had a shootout? #AlexaPlay”DidntWeAlmostHaveItAll”

See how dumb that looks?

So, lemme give y’all something to do…..

Here’s a video of 2 Trump supporting, biracial men making fun of a plus sized black woman for 6 minutes.

….that should keep y’all mad enough entertained while the rest of us get off on these jokes about ghetto Bahamian private schools (and what that says about you).

Nassau Christian Academy (NCA)

Probable Celebrity Student –  Kirk Franklin

Always a clear cut voice for God but struggles with years of dormant sinful thoughts due to never not being in church. Calls everyone brother/sister but curses sometimes. Cool with EVERYONE. Gets drunk off Raddlers.

I thought Kingsway loved white Jesus more than anyone else.

I thought only us had Spiritual Emphasis Week and the Lighthouse people. I was informed this week that NCA was the most Bibley school in Nassau and I am not ok.

Like…what the fuck would that white Jesus even look like to an NCA student?

“And Lo, Jesus broke the cross asunder in order to remind niggas that he’s still that nigga and could wet this whole function up if he wanted to. Selah.” – Niggalations 4:20 #PraiseBeToStrongJesus

Word on the street is NCA was out there speaking in tongues and having spontaneous mini concerts for the culture. A lot of my family went to NCA (RIP Baby) so I know this to be facts. But you kinda gotta love God with your full heart and put on his full armor when you’re wearing that particular shade of nanny brown/yellow.

There’s something about that nanny brown/yellow that makes you humble enough to serve a risen savior with all your heart cause, really…..they cant demean you much more than that. I can see that meeting now….

“Gentleman, I just had myself some curry mutton, Goombay Punch and a groundbreaking shit and I think I have some ideas about the NCA uniform to keep these kids in line…hear me out….”

People at NCA are ALWAYS humble.

They whisper the school they went to almost like a prayer, partly because they lowkey shame and partly because I think, as adults, they legit still scared God is gonna strike them dead for minor sins like not knowing the books of the bible immediately upon request.

Try it….go to an NCA alumnus and just randomly ask them Bible facts and see what happens. You don’t even have to ask. They’ll just blurt it out instinctively….

“….ok I didn’t know Lilith was Adam’s first wife and Eve was the second, but I was asking who was the first woman out of the bathroom, sis. You ok? #WhoHurtYouSis?”

I’m glad y’all made it out alive, guys…..but between them uniforms and being directly across from a very large graveyard its hard for y’all to convince me this young man DOESN’T go to NCA….

Actual footage of a StAndrews students first day at NCA (This lowkey looks like that graveyard cross the road tho don’t lie)

Praise him.

Bahamas Baptist College (BBC)

Probable Celebrity Student – TuPac

Lowkey not even a thug but made some mistakes early on that landed him at BBC but now has to play tough so he doesn’t get beat up by the opps. Died trying to keep it real.

BBC is the school they send you when you do anything egregious at a normal private school.

No, seriously.

Slapped a teacher in the face? No problem.

Killed kittens because the voices told you to? They have a prayer for that.

Involved in a police drive by leaving 2 injured and 1 critical?

“The devil is busy and I know your son was shooting his AR-15 arbitrarily and didn’t mean to shoot those people. Providing you can pay the fees up front we can…. “

Don’t misunderstand me, normal people went to BBC. But I remember clearly certain niggas who left Kingsway WHO WERE INVOLVED IN A GODDAMN DRIVE BY SHOOTING AND ENDED UP THERE.

Y’all is act like I talkin shit.

Real Kingsways niggas bout to flood my dms now with their names cause shit was real. I knew it was bad when I was on academic probation one year and my mother threatened to send me there as a consequence. You know what it is to go from Kingsway that looked like this…

You know you feel safe in an environment when you don’t even have to put socks on #ItHitsDiffernt

…..vs BBC that, as a child, looked like this……

I can tell by this nigga shape-up he want ALL the smoke

Lemme stop talking bout them as I’m sure they have a few pending open cases I don’t need to be involved in.

Y’all be blessed.

Aquinas College

Probable Celebrity Student – Amber Rose

Racially ambiguous and always brags about going to QC for a year but lowkey spent the majority of her time at Aquinas. Moderately successful now with a drug dealing ex she reminds everyone she used to date. Knows how to get rid of a key of coke in 8hrs.

I looked up what the word “Aquinas” meant using the Google and I was not that shocked to learn that it means: “School for middle class conchy joes and biracial/black kids with good hair.” The guys were always either hot or cold. They were either hardened thugs, black OR white…..or they were just regular niggas tryna survive Palmdale.

Aquinas is what would happen if Palmdale Primary and StAndrews conceived a baby in the back of the Palmdale McDonalds. It would look like this…

….nigga I don’t know what race she is either. I just know she look good is all I’m sayin #BeSafeTho

Aquinas was always an anomaly for me due to their racial balance. Lots of biracial, white and black kids. They are literally what Martin Luther King Jr had in mind during his “I have a dream” speech.

“I have a dream that little middle class conchy joes/negroes come together and form a school that reflects both their struggles then move it in the middle of nowhere for no reason. I HAVE A DREAM TODAY! “#WhyYallMove?

It’s always a surprise when you hear somebody went to Aquinas but, after you size them up, that surprise is always followed by, “…ya know what? That make sense”.

I’m lying?

I’m making false claims?

Are we sure Ashanti DIDN’T go to Aquinas? I’m not saying she did….I’m just asking if we’re sure…..

Looking at the pic of Ashanti, we ALL lowkey whispered to ourselves, in the quietest of voices….

“I mean…..…Ya she look like an Aquinas gal for real”

But, make no mistake: Aquinas, much like St Annes, had some silent killers.

Ya never figure them out until it’s too late and you in love, with 5 lbs of Colombian uncut coke in your apartment trying explain to the cops that you didn’t think this conchy joe gal was really with the shits….

“He claims its some white woman named LaKiesha lol…he’s obviously lying…” #AquinasGals

Aquinas was where we, as a nation, all came together. It was the epicenter of the middle class. No rich, no poor…just hard working people tryna give their kids a quality education at an affordable price.

….y’all was still located in Palmdale for a minute tho….ine forget. #TheConchyJoeGhetto.

Bahamas Academy (BA)

Probable Celebrity Student – Teyana Taylor

Ghetto, pump water body. Smarter than everyone in the room. Tired of eating dilly. Hasn’t touched a vegetable since she left BA. Loves the smoke but God is still working on her. Blasts gospel music in her car before work so she won’t cut a bitch.

Here’s a fun fact: Did y’all know BA was strictly vegetarian?

Look at niggas…

…yeah, nigga. Meatless like a butch pump attendant lesbian orgy, beloved. #TheGalsInTheDickys #Y’allKnowWhoIMean

Someone please explain to me how BA have hefty ass kids who AIN’T eatin meat?

HOW, my nigga?

That whole school should look like the cast of Black Panther.

This is what their PE should have looked like based on their diet

For the amount of thick gals and chubby niggas I’ve seen go there in my time, there’s NO way they wasn’t tiefin a quick breast piece, by itself, fry dry, extra ketchup and hot sauce, from Bamboo Shack across the road.

God forbid they learn where meat comes fro-


Word on the streets is they had so much dilly in their yard that that’s where the excess sugar came from.

I don’t know.

I just know it was an Adventist school and no one really knew what they was into. You walk in there and it was like Narnia.

“I’m Tumnus Turnquest and welcome to BA….here’s your adventist crown of the 7th.” #YouCantTellMeThisDontHappen

Shout out to BA kids tho.

Y’all stayed low and out of the drama. Never heard of anything shady or bad going on out there. And, yes….they were a private school. I imagine their fees were low because…I mean….y’all were between a Police Station, a SuperWash and Bamboo.

Fees probably was affordable as fuck….

“…five zero? Like…$50? For the Year? Sign me up for 6 years, beloved. This child ga be vegan TODAY I know that!!”

Be well, my unknown friends.

Jordan Prince William Baptist School (Prince Will)

Probable Celebrity Student – LeToya Luckett

“You know her, but not really, but she fine,  but where she even grow up? And how she get in Prince Will? But she is be around drug niggas. But she dead smart and yet she also knows how to throw hands. Like I know her but I can’t remember from where…” – The rest of us

I slander Prince Will A LOT. Almost every article.

What’s so messed up about it is I’ve dated 3 women from there, the man who is like a brother to me, my cousin Kenny Knowles, went there his whole life as did the false god Ricardo Wells and the young Queen Josette Demeritte, 2 people I genuinely consider the realest niggas ever. I have no reason to slander them beyond….how in the name of Peter Turnquest is this a school niggas PAID to go to?

“…wait this place cost actual human money dollars?! The fuck?”

Let’s start with what the fuck does “Jordan Prince William Baptist School” even mean, beloved?

I asked 5 alumni and they all gave me half assed answers. THEY don’t even know what it means. This is how I think that went….

“Ok so we have on the board Michael Jordan, Prince William, cause ya know….colonialism….I kinda wanna throw some religion in there and maybe clarify that it’s a school…..but I wanna do it classy and not long at all….WAIT!!”

I’m sure the Christian council read that long ass name and was like….

What was their fees, beloved? Cause whatever was paid did NOT go towards the school infrastructure.

Was it just like…..you show up and pay what you could to fund the Principal’s crippling crack addiction?

Was that how y’all paid?

“Ok fees is a dollar a piece today, kids. Drug dealers Niggas on Carmichael don’t take silvers so paper dollars please and thank you!”

Their school looked like a poor mans Shawshank Redemption only Shawshank had a nice fitness facility. These niggas basketball court looked like….

My favorite part about this is y’all aren’t 100% certain that this ISN’T Prince Will…lol #We’llNeverKnow

I’ve one thing I gotta give them credit for tho: They raised the realist niggas/women I know who went on to be super successful while maintaining their “we grew up in an open prison” edge to them.

“First of all, lower your motherfucking voice, Karen. I will curb stomp you all through this bitch. Now as for your Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis…..” #SmartAndDangerous

They are what happens when StJohns and Her Majestys Prison decide to have a lovechild and abandon it on Zion Blvd.

Every time I look at Kenny, Josette and the false god Ricardo Wells, theres an emptiness there. Like they’ve experienced some shit they can never tell me. It can range from, “I once saw a teacher have sex in the break room” to, “I’ve witnessed a murder but Yellow say if I talk my family will be in danger so I have to take it to my grave. “

We’ll never know.

But if you take anything from this ignorant ass, stupid, why would y’all even read all of this, article….it’s that of all the schools mentioned…

…Jordan Prince William Baptist School been swining parents and children alike into thinking its Private when its clearly not and that and that alone is what is wrong with our country.

I want better for us.

Be safe tho