By Drew
A few years back I wrote an article about this very topic and, on purpose, skipped over a few private schools. Reason being, I didn’t think the world was ready to hear the truth about these schools because, let’s be honest, there are levels to everything in life. I bet you didn’t know your parents had a favorite child and its probably not you….
If we can acknowledge that fact then we can have a conversation about how not all private schools were created equal, and some of them were just plain ghetto.
Now, that being said….its 2020. So we have to address the “woke” folks among us because trust me they already pressed.
…so I gotta run the “woke nigga” disclaimer. Padneye.
Sigh.
Good day, Monsters:
This article is satire based on wild generalizations, my own very very stupid observations and, in NO WAY, reflects how I think people should be treated who are alumni of the school or presently IN the school. No one cares what school anyone goes to….can you imagine judging someone based on their school after graduation?
See how dumb that looks?
So, lemme give y’all something to do…..
….that should keep y’all mad enough entertained while the rest of us get off on these jokes about ghetto Bahamian private schools (and what that says about you).
Nassau Christian Academy (NCA)
Probable Celebrity Student – Kirk Franklin
I thought Kingsway loved white Jesus more than anyone else.
I thought only us had Spiritual Emphasis Week and the Lighthouse people. I was informed this week that NCA was the most Bibley school in Nassau and I am not ok.
Like…what the fuck would that white Jesus even look like to an NCA student?
Word on the street is NCA was out there speaking in tongues and having spontaneous mini concerts for the culture. A lot of my family went to NCA (RIP Baby) so I know this to be facts. But you kinda gotta love God with your full heart and put on his full armor when you’re wearing that particular shade of nanny brown/yellow.
There’s something about that nanny brown/yellow that makes you humble enough to serve a risen savior with all your heart cause, really…..they cant demean you much more than that. I can see that meeting now….
People at NCA are ALWAYS humble.
They whisper the school they went to almost like a prayer, partly because they lowkey shame and partly because I think, as adults, they legit still scared God is gonna strike them dead for minor sins like not knowing the books of the bible immediately upon request.
Try it….go to an NCA alumnus and just randomly ask them Bible facts and see what happens. You don’t even have to ask. They’ll just blurt it out instinctively….
I’m glad y’all made it out alive, guys…..but between them uniforms and being directly across from a very large graveyard its hard for y’all to convince me this young man DOESN’T go to NCA….
Praise him.
Bahamas Baptist College (BBC)
Probable Celebrity Student – TuPac
BBC is the school they send you when you do anything egregious at a normal private school.
No, seriously.
Slapped a teacher in the face? No problem.
Killed kittens because the voices told you to? They have a prayer for that.
Involved in a police drive by leaving 2 injured and 1 critical?
Don’t misunderstand me, normal people went to BBC. But I remember clearly certain niggas who left Kingsway WHO WERE INVOLVED IN A GODDAMN DRIVE BY SHOOTING AND ENDED UP THERE.
Y’all is act like I talkin shit.
Real Kingsways niggas bout to flood my dms now with their names cause shit was real. I knew it was bad when I was on academic probation one year and my mother threatened to send me there as a consequence. You know what it is to go from Kingsway that looked like this…
…..vs BBC that, as a child, looked like this……
Lemme stop talking bout them as I’m sure they have a few pending open cases I don’t need to be involved in.
Y’all be blessed.
Aquinas College
Probable Celebrity Student – Amber Rose
I looked up what the word “Aquinas” meant using the Google and I was not that shocked to learn that it means: “School for middle class conchy joes and biracial/black kids with good hair.” The guys were always either hot or cold. They were either hardened thugs, black OR white…..or they were just regular niggas tryna survive Palmdale.
Aquinas is what would happen if Palmdale Primary and StAndrews conceived a baby in the back of the Palmdale McDonalds. It would look like this…
Aquinas was always an anomaly for me due to their racial balance. Lots of biracial, white and black kids. They are literally what Martin Luther King Jr had in mind during his “I have a dream” speech.
It’s always a surprise when you hear somebody went to Aquinas but, after you size them up, that surprise is always followed by, “…ya know what? That make sense”.
I’m lying?
I’m making false claims?
Looking at the pic of Ashanti, we ALL lowkey whispered to ourselves, in the quietest of voices….
But, make no mistake: Aquinas, much like St Annes, had some silent killers.
Ya never figure them out until it’s too late and you in love, with 5 lbs of Colombian uncut coke in your apartment trying explain to the cops that you didn’t think this conchy joe gal was really with the shits….
Aquinas was where we, as a nation, all came together. It was the epicenter of the middle class. No rich, no poor…just hard working people tryna give their kids a quality education at an affordable price.
….y’all was still located in Palmdale for a minute tho….ine forget. #TheConchyJoeGhetto.
Bahamas Academy (BA)
Probable Celebrity Student – Teyana Taylor
Here’s a fun fact: Did y’all know BA was strictly vegetarian?
Look at niggas…
Someone please explain to me how BA have hefty ass kids who AIN’T eatin meat?
HOW, my nigga?
That whole school should look like the cast of Black Panther.
For the amount of thick gals and chubby niggas I’ve seen go there in my time, there’s NO way they wasn’t tiefin a quick breast piece, by itself, fry dry, extra ketchup and hot sauce, from Bamboo Shack across the road.
God forbid they learn where meat comes fro-
Word on the streets is they had so much dilly in their yard that that’s where the excess sugar came from.
I don’t know.
I just know it was an Adventist school and no one really knew what they was into. You walk in there and it was like Narnia.
Shout out to BA kids tho.
Y’all stayed low and out of the drama. Never heard of anything shady or bad going on out there. And, yes….they were a private school. I imagine their fees were low because…I mean….y’all were between a Police Station, a SuperWash and Bamboo.
Fees probably was affordable as fuck….
Be well, my unknown friends.
Jordan Prince William Baptist School (Prince Will)
Probable Celebrity Student – LeToya Luckett
I slander Prince Will A LOT. Almost every article.
What’s so messed up about it is I’ve dated 3 women from there, the man who is like a brother to me, my cousin Kenny Knowles, went there his whole life as did the false god Ricardo Wells and the young Queen Josette Demeritte, 2 people I genuinely consider the realest niggas ever. I have no reason to slander them beyond….how in the name of Peter Turnquest is this a school niggas PAID to go to?
Let’s start with what the fuck does “Jordan Prince William Baptist School” even mean, beloved?
I asked 5 alumni and they all gave me half assed answers. THEY don’t even know what it means. This is how I think that went….
I’m sure the Christian council read that long ass name and was like….
What was their fees, beloved? Cause whatever was paid did NOT go towards the school infrastructure.
Was it just like…..you show up and pay what you could to fund the Principal’s crippling crack addiction?
Was that how y’all paid?
Their school looked like a poor mans Shawshank Redemption only Shawshank had a nice fitness facility. These niggas basketball court looked like….
I’ve one thing I gotta give them credit for tho: They raised the realist niggas/women I know who went on to be super successful while maintaining their “we grew up in an open prison” edge to them.
They are what happens when StJohns and Her Majestys Prison decide to have a lovechild and abandon it on Zion Blvd.
Every time I look at Kenny, Josette and the false god Ricardo Wells, theres an emptiness there. Like they’ve experienced some shit they can never tell me. It can range from, “I once saw a teacher have sex in the break room” to, “I’ve witnessed a murder but Yellow say if I talk my family will be in danger so I have to take it to my grave. “
We’ll never know.
But if you take anything from this ignorant ass, stupid, why would y’all even read all of this, article….it’s that of all the schools mentioned…
…Jordan Prince William Baptist School been swining parents and children alike into thinking its Private when its clearly not and that and that alone is what is wrong with our country.
I want better for us.
Be safe tho
