The Bahamian Covid-19 Sexual Experience (The Mixtape)
Bahamians are built for trauma and disaster. We’re perpetually afraid of hurricane season, the heat of summer and our fathers Land belt when mommy said to take the chicken out the freezer and clean the house but, instead, you were busy having an argument with your friends concerning the Wizard of Oz that went a bit too far…
Regardless, we have learned to cope with terrible things especially our most consistent nuisance; Hurricanes. Well, the rona, or as Kenu Higgs refers to it as “Miss Rona” (which Miguel and I agree that this virus is female) has arrived, and we will cope the same way we always do in times of crisis when we are forced to stay home with the people we pretend to love: Eat, drink, smoke and….well….have sex.
We here at 10thYearSeniors encourage pandemic/qurantine sex within the community.
Well not 10thYearSeniors….this is mostly my personal campaign for more Capricorn babies cause fuck y’all we the best sign.
And, for the record, this list was compiled live on 103.5 The Beat, by myself and my radio Co-host Maurisa Glinton aka “Mo” aka “ReallyJustMo” who is equally as special needs as I am. God bless you, queen.
So, without further adieu……..the Covid19 Make Sex Mixtape For The Advancement of The Capricorn agenda.
Sillk – “Silk Meeting In My Bedroom”
This is a great starter for that frigid young lady that needs convincing that this non-commital dick is EXACTLY what she needs for these times of doubt and fear. Their insistence that she not be late implies he’s planned something special and spontaneous amidst the crisis.
Gals love spontaneity and initiative. It really Rumples their Stilskin and we have to use every weapon at our disposal.
If this doesn’t get her in the room then you’re fucking up at life.
The Isley Brothers ft R. Kelly (yes, yes I know but this still slaps regardless…shut up) and Chante Moore – “You’re Contagious”
Is this too on the nose?
Do we care that it’s about infidelity?
Nah not really. But we all bout to be contagious soon so misewell juice. Half y’all only having sex with your spouse for the first time in months because staying at your sweethearts place would be frowned upon. Plus Ron Isleys falsetto was made for loveless sex that, in the moment, feels like it could be real…..but inevitably, much like the theme of the song, was not meant to last.
Jodeci – “Freak’N You”
This song is for that nigga you KNOW bout to do something sloppy to your toppy, ladies. The very first goddamn bar is “Every time I close my eyes, I wake up feeling so horny.”
There is not a single ounce of fat in that bar. Not one. Every single word is necessary and important because these type niggas DO NOT have time to play. Its apocalypse/end times sex music.
Sometimes you gotta bury your beard into someones daughters vaginal parts and come up looking like Santa Claus to maintain balance and clarity within the relationship.
Trey Songz – “Neighbors Know My Name”
This is deep stroke, light choking, spanking ass, remind this gal who the fuck I am because we may die from Rona music.
Also the neighbors will LITERALLY be home as there is a curfew so sometimes you gotta remind them you live there. This is for those Atlantis workers that work the nightshift but took the 2 weeks unpaid leave and the neighbors say shit like, “You think Ny’Asia and her nigga still together? Ya don’t see him no more”.
This is their reminder that a real nigga resides at this residence…..and now you know his name.
Tank – “When We”
If I’m being honest, between Tank, Trey Songz and Drake I could do a 20 track mixtape and still have leftovers. I have no fucking idea what this nigga is singing I just know its about sex and the lyrics say, “When we….fuck” which gives the sex quite a delightful cadence.
It’s a lovely balance between Jodeci’s niggerishness and Ron Isleys vulnerable falsetto with a hint of lightskin and I think thats beautiful.
Tell me you can’t hear this playing in the background of some horror movie when the Rona zombies are outside. Sex slaps different when your inevitable death is at the door I imagine.
Floetry – “Say Yes”
Full disclosure: I’m violently attracted to Marsha Ambrosious and Jill Scott. Sade is my queen but they are definitely hypothetical hall passes for my queen who doesn’t know I exist in the known universe.
But thats neither here nor there.
This song is sex. This song is for that nasty female that makes a nigga feel like a king……thennnnnnn like a bitch cause now you’re tied up and theres hot wax on you and she just pulled out a mini suitcase that you thought was filled with shoes but no it’s her FUCKING SEX BAG AND NOW YOU’RE IN DANGER.
You a lucky nigga.
TLC – Red Light Special
This song hits different when you realize Left Eye tried to burn her niggas house down and they got back together shortly after. You know how good your vagina has to be to come back to a gal THAT TRIED TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN?!?!?!?
She’s the type of woman you need during a crisis cause you know she with the shits but would also have sex in an abandoned hospital while y’all escape the government kill drones that are hunting you.
Yes, this is for that crazy vag. That chick who asks for a second round 38seconds after the first.
And, never forget…..Left Eye tried to burn down her niggas house and they got back together shortly after. Do with that information what you will.
Ginuwine – “So Anxious”
First of all, this song is very direct.
“Meet me at 11:30” – He’s concerned because you are WAY past curfew….also he’s horny.
“You know I’m a sexaholic” – He’s horny
“Its 10:10….where you been?” – You’re an hour and 10minutes past curfew….he’s still horny.
These are the words of an unemployed nigga that you know will never be shit but has the exact amount of penis and danger you need to transition to the true love of your life…..that, to be clear, is not him. But he owns a gun and can fight so he’ll come in handy when the Covid undead come to eat your delicious brain.
He’ll protect you AND talk about his feelings…..at length. (As lightskin niggas with cornrows are known to do)
Gals love emotionally intelligent niggas who are vocal about their feelings and then fuck them afterwards so much.
So so much.
Beyonce ft Drake – “Mine”
I’d be remiss if I didn’t include the married couples. Not that y’all can’t have sex to the other songs but this is more a reconciliatory grind than a “blow your back out” sexual experience.
Y’all ain been good for a minute and it’s been weird trying to balance love and kids and work and bills. But the coming virus apocalypse is nigh and the kids went to sleep early, y’all tipsy off hennessey and nostalgia and just like that…..9 months of regret later….more out east traffic.
Sade – “Like a Tattoo”
Bold of you to assume I need a reason to gas my queen….lol…y’all wild.
Drake – “Hold on, We’re Going Home”
First of all let me say thank you to ALL of our medical professionals out there putting their health, families and social life on hold to stave off this pandemic. They are working for US. They are the gatekeepers, the protectors and the sacrificial lambs for this virus and I wanna thank them sincerely for their efforts.
HOWEVER…..there is no more powerful aphrodisiac than stress and isolation….at work….with a person you BEEN waiting to slip up.
This is the song you play that special someone after a 18hr shift and y’all ended up kissing and sparks fly so they whisper, “You live far?” and, to not kill this beautiful moment….you play this song as you drive over the still rotting victims of the Rona.
Y’all deserve apocalypse orgasms and all the canned goods you can find. (It’s the end times, beloved. Needless to say Bamboo Shack is closed….forever. Also, zombies)
Kelly Price (Original by Shirley Murdock) – “As We Lay”
I struggled on which version of this song to choose….this or the original. I chose this because there’s something about a, now thinner, Kelly Price belting this out like she’s presently going through it.
Also, lets just be real, this is gonna be ALL of us come March 31st. Your perspective on this song depends on your situation.
That, “Its Morningggg”, can apply to married couples, bfs and gfs, and sweethearts.
Know why? Cause its morning and we don’t know if Minnis will extend the curfew/state of emergency or if we’ll have even more cases come that morning of the 31st.