By Drew

 

There was a time on this island when all we had was MSN Messenger, Skype, and the almighty Hi5. That was when cheating was its easiest. A time long forgotten. A time before blueticks and “likes” on pictures. We’ve gotten messy in our old (new)age.

“So you was offline on whatsapp but you online on Instagram, my nigga? Who you juicing on Insta, Bradley?”

Back then you logged in on MSN, set your status to “Away” because….you know….ya tryna cheat in peace. We communicated but it was on the low low. One MSN box at a time. Now? The computer is in our hands and I’m in like 19 various group chats and I feel like we need to address the role players in these chats right quick.

 

The Lurker(s)

You know who you are. You no response, know everyone business, we only ain kick you out cause we went to the same school or work together ass, nigga! This is the person that you see in public and they be on some…

“Girl that group is LIFE!! Did you see what Francine said last night at 2:30am? Come lemme show you!!”

Hold up.

So you just out here observing like some type demon ready to tote news to Satan then?

Naw, fam…come into the fray like the rest of us. Don’t be knowing shit and don’t contribute to the smoke. When row day come I need you in the vanguard like the rest of us: Front and motherfuckin center!!

“Hey, Keisha? Ya I see you “blueticking” in the group but not commenting. Keep that same energy you had at brunch when you was talking shit and speak your mind boo-boo!”

 

The Master-Baiter

You know this person. They the ones that START the drama in the group then, while everyone losing their minds and texting up a storm, they throw in couple “LoL’s” and “Lawd what goin on in here today” and “Y’all wrong, man!” when they know good and goddamn well they started the drama like….

“No but didn’t Davina say last week that her and Rufus had broken up? So was that a lie? Just asking!”

They always, “Just asking”.

Now we in this rabbit hole with everyone sending screenshots, feelings getting hurt and you sitting on your phone like the last Disney villain.

“Lol….yes….YES! THE DRAMA STRENGTHENS ME!!!”

And it’s ALWAYS the one person who says, “Y’all know I don’t like drama but….”.

Don’t throw a stone and hide your hand, beloved.

 

The Porn Guy

Sigh

Ok….I have a weird relationship with the porn guy because lowkey he is an extremely important member of the community. Cause on the front end, in the group I’m texting like…

“Yo….Pedro is be WILDING with these videos, bey. Why you so weird, king? lol “

But then on the low I’m like…

 

“I wonder if I can put this on a flash drive and watch this on the big tv for a better masturbation experience?”

What I love about porn guy is he doesn’t give a shit. The christian and the “sends a prayer every morning” person is typically the one to beg him to stop. But notice….niggas go quiet when that porn drops. Dudes turn into real bitches, side DM’ing each other like…

“Bey you ain see that shit Bobby just put in the group? ….theres a horse involved”

Thanks, porn guy. We’re forever grateful.

 

The Assassin

Y’all have no idea how much fun the assassin is.

Cause this is the person that hasn’t given a fuck since Tupac died and has lost the ability to can. It’s like if Kedar had a baby with Wendy WIlliams at Rodney Moncurs house…..in the summer: Thats more or less the assassin in a nutshell.

“NO NO NO NO NO NO…..Sherice, at the function you said you DID fuck Melissa man did you not? DID YOU FUCKING NOT? You know ine scared!!!”

They want the smoke.

Not some…ALL.

They want the gas, the lighter, the kerosine, AND the matches. It nourishes them. Drama is like the batsignal for them…

“The groupchat needs me….it needs justice!”

This is the person EVERYONE side chats to let them know theres smoke in the group and he/she needs to address it because the rest of us are cowards. Oh, we all know the truth, but we need the assassin to call you out on it. They are a respected member of the community and do Gods work every time.

“All of us around the assassin praising them for reminding a hoe of her place in this world #ThankYou #BasketballReference”

Ine sayin much else cause….again…..we’re all afraid of you.

God bless, beloved.

 

The Christian

 

Boy y’all annoying.

First off…please stop sending the gaddamn morning pictures of Jesus bathing with some scripture underneath. Fam….the name of this Whatsapp Group is “Boats and Hoes”.

Look at me, beloved.

WHY ARE YOU SENDING THIS AT 4:45 A-fucking-M?

I’m hungover with vagina juice on my beard and mistake juice on my penis, Karen. Could you not?

And it’s always the born again hoe.

You know the type: Was a hoe their entire college career, got 3 baby fathers, almost went to jail for tiefin….found Jesus 2 weeks ago, now everything is christian scripture and little comments to let you know what they think of you and your lifestyle.

“VIA Cafe? Where is that? Chile I is be home in bed getting ready for church everyday of the week because, you know, after being saved by white Jesus I feel like…..”

But….But ain you get juice in a car by Scotia right down the road from VIA and you end up in the Punch tho?

Now it’s, “I is be home in bed”?

Beloved, you still have that woman husband on your breath. Jesus ga need a minute to heal your 38 years of hoeing…..so give him a minute and sit small.

“Someone please tell that girl don’t die soon cause ‘grace and mercy’ ain ga fix all that hoein”

We’re happy you are a christian now but you used to sell weed with your ex outta Bain Town.

Ine forget.

 

The (Actual) Christian

Apologies for my language earlier, friend.

I LOVE the actual christian because they always walk it like they talk it and they ALWAYS have. No judgement, no slander…..they send you off to go sin and wish you the best.

“Y’all please be safe when y’all go out. Protect yourselves. Everyone text the group when you get home please. Love y’all!!”

Looka how sweet they are.

They laugh at the inappropriate jokes; shit they even join in! They wont curse and be crass like the rest of us but its all love.

Thats the person everyone lowkey texts on the side for prayers and counselling. But don’t get it twisted….they ain no snitch!! They protect your info because they are actual good people.

“Um….ALicia is going through a lot right now…I don’t wanna share too much but she’ll be fine. I got her, girl!”

God bless you, actual christian.

You are necessary, you are important and we love you.

(P.S. Stop invitin us to your church tho. We’re not coming. I mean we appreciate you but….give up. Thanks again tho)

 

The Contrarian

Every group has one. This is the person who disagrees and challenges EVERYTHING everyone says. You could legit say anything and their response is negative.

“I don’t do mainstream shows like Game Of Thrones because it has very little black people and as a pro-black woke man of culture and academia I cant justify….”

Bruh….you’re not interesting because you disagree with everyone.

And they’re always condescending.

Always.

You could say, “Well my mom died but she’s in heaven with Papa now I guess.”

Their response?

“LMAO WOW. Y’all still believe in an omnipotent white god in the sky who you think gives a fuck about your dead mom? lol….ok”

Or the feminist who makes EVERYTHING about feminism because no one wants to fuck her so she lashes out because thats easier than admitting you’re old, past your prime and unjuicable in general.

“You and your husband do missionary? Lol…I will never have an oppressive man on top of me controlling my body as he already makes more than me and as a strong feminist I feel….”

Beloved….its over.

Get some cats, read your books and just let it be over.

No one cares and everyone hates you….we just polite because you someone cousin or the actual christian protects you in the OTHER group we started without you.

 

Ooops.

Let’s move on….I’ve said too much.

 

Honourable mention:

 

The School Groupchat

School Groupchats are the best because all it really is, is a flex to see just how shitty everyone is doing and to try and meet up to drink to CONFIRM everyones’ doing shitty every 10 years or so.

“Ok…so no one is a millionaire or like in a happy marriage yet right? Everyone cheating, broke, tired and have anxiety? Cool…see y’all in 2029”

Lowkey tho, its a good chat to keep you grounded….to remind you of who you were, what you were and where you’ve come from.

I love my Kingsway Class Of ’99 chat….Blessings.

 

The (Christian) Family Group Chat

This is where everyone comes to lie. We lie about going to church, how your kids are doing, etc.

It’s one big Jesus/scripture/meme parade.

“Bey its 6am and I have 48 messages…Jesus ain even up yet bey WTF!!”

Love y’all but ya…I came out of my own LONG time. God bless y’all who still in yours tho.

#iCant

 

The (Other) Family Group Chat

This ranges from just siblings to just cousins to just the cool kids from the family. Age doesn’t matter. Once you cuss, drink, smoke, had a baby out of wedlock, been to jail etc: You have a home here.

Also, this is where the REAL tea is spilled and its just a great chat to be in.

“Y’all know Aunty KeKe gay right? Who is have a female roommate for 20 years, boo? lol She in the other chat now lyin to mommy them…”

Its highkey the best of the bunch in my opinion.

 

The All Male/Female Groupchat

The fucking filth that goes down in these is just….wow.

From the porn to the comments about niggas wives and women’s husbands.

As Alexis would say, “Whew Chile!”.

But I gotta cut this short…..no snitchin.

 

Be safe tho

 

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