By Drew
Night gathers and, sadly, it heralds the ending of objectively the best television show to every exist or that WIL ever exist. If Game of Thrones was a person it would be Jesus……if he learned karate. I’m not saying white Jesus isn’t perfect but….I mean….
He came to turn water to wine and kick ass….and he’s clearly out of wine so….Understand that Game of Thrones is personal. This isn’t just a show….its a lifestyle. I wish y’all could see how my friends and I discuss this shit. My fake-baby-mommy Joseph aka Josette and I discuss it like its real life…
This is what true friendship looks like, Bahamas. You’re welcomeSo it is with heavy heart that we say goodbye to our beloved series but it is with a violent tone that I want to address all you non-GOT and annoying GOT fans as I give you the 10 Bahamian rules for watching the remainder of this great series.
1. Shut the, and I cant express this enough, ACTUAL fuck up.
And that goes from my saintly grandmother to your sidechick you brought to my apartment who isn’t a fan but midway through an intense episode wants to know, “Oh this the white hair gal with the dragon I always seein on facebook now aye?”.
I will kill you.
Look at me, beloved.
I will kill you and think NOTHING of it.
Play with ya ma, not me.
You come in, grab some food and drink and your shut your non-GOT lips until AFTER the episode….and honestly, not even then.
“Keisha…that’s your name? Talk again during our recap and I will murder you and everyone you love. K? #ThatsOnGangMyNigga”And, by the way, that’s for newcomers AND fans of the show. This is not the time for your theories, thoughts or saying you were right all along concerning your theories or thoughts. Save that for the 5 minutes AFTER the show when we’re all trying to collect our respective wigs from the proverbial floor. Don’t lie….after every episode for 5 minutes we all be in the dark, quiet on some…
“Yo….did…did they just kill literally EVERYBODY just now? Y’all lets pray …”Shut up. Don’t talk during the intro and not until the end credits. If you decide to do otherwise then….see you in the Thursday paper I guess.
2. New Fans/Binge Watchers……sit small.
Ya…..read it again.
I meant that shit.
Listen….we’re glad that you like the show as much as we do. We’re happy that you’re apart of this family now. Welcome aboard and grab a seat….you’re allowed a seat at the table. Just understand that we are NOT the same.
“Oh so you watched Ned Stark get beheaded then jumped straight to the next episode cause you were binging? I had to wait a week, lost 5 lbs and a girlfriend because I didn’t know if Arya was dreaming or if it was real or not but good for you I guess. #YouAreChildrenOfALesserGod”Y’all binged the shit in a week.
We had to live our lives among fucking peasants, non-watchers, people that bragged about NOT watching because they thought it made them cool and sexy to be contrarian. We had to live that for 6 days just to get to the last episode.
You will NEVER know our pain.
(I’m looking at you, Dominique)
That’s like adopting a kid that’s already 7 years old vs a woman that gave birth to one kid a year….FOR SEVEN YEARS.
“My vagina is destroyed and I’ve had so many C-sections that my stomach looks like a map of Elizabeth Estates but good for you with your ready made 7 year old tho.”You have a seat at the table but sit small till your name call, beloved.
We are NOT the same.
3. Have Food With Sense
If you’re gonna have a GOT watch party please lets not run out, guys. I know half of you are trying to firstly find out who even has HBO in the friend group let alone a place big enough to HOUSE all the niggas that DON’T have HBO…..
This must be how that one friend that pays for Netflix must feel when he realises our lives depend on him and his $14 a month. #ThanksKari #FriendshipI get it…not all of us are adulting the same. But this is not the time for heavy food or experimental dishes. Place it to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to, Denise.
“I’m making a spinach, hamburger, doughnut, cabbage and kale dip with vegan steak chips and potcake bites! #TheFuckYouNot!”Quick finger foods, guys.
Wings, chips, dip….anything I can grab with my hand quick. Nothing too too filling tho. We tryna watch GOT with no distractions like….I don’t know….EXPLOSIVE SHITTING.
“Fuck man I missin everything. Why did they think crab and rice, bake chicken, macaroni and coleslaw was GOT food? #YouMadeAChoiceFam #iAmThisMan”Quick bites, people.
Don’t try to reinvent the wheel.
4. Keep the drinks light and drugs to a minimum
For all my weed heads please either don’t smoke or smoke outside and watch from the window. Weed niggas wanna wax poetic and get deep about shit that don’t need to be overanalysed like…at all.
“I mean but like….are the dragons a metaphor for mans toxic masculinity and how we need a strong woman to ride us and tame us and then maybe the night king is my dad cause he didn’t believe in hugs so…..”Bruh….this ain the time OR season for that. Also, if you know you can’t handle your liquor, please wait until the Episode is finished before you start getting blitzed. No judgement….I cried like a whole gal when Stannis died because I had too much scotch in me.
Actual footage of me drunk crying when Brienne killed Stannis #IneShame
Get drunk, high or both….your call. Just don’t run out is all I’m saying.
5. Let people know if you have HBO or you’re streaming…..in Jesus name.
This is not the time to fuck around. If you know your “box” isn’t programmed or your firestick ain up to par then, beloved, DO. NOT. LET. THAT. BE. A. SURPRISE. Let me know FROM NOW what your living arrangements are before you invite me over and I have to fight you in the streets. You inviting me to your place to watch GOT is a contract and I need to know the terms before I sign off/attend.
“Ok you say we’re streaming but I see you owe Cable Bahamas $0.68. Is there a plan to pay this before Sunday because I don’t need your wifi getting turned off.”I comin by you Saturday to inspect your router, living conditions, seat placement/comfort level, pet situation….etc.
This is not a game.
Don’t invite me over and your wifi slow cause you wasn’t prepared.
“I forgot my router was slow so GOT started buffering for 10 seconds during a crucial point and….well….here we are”Get your shit together.
6. No kids
Ya ya I know….. little MikeyMistake is, “usually quiet in his room on his iPad”, but I don’t trust you, fam. Either send him by his grammy, send an adult in the room with him that doesn’t watch GOT or don’t invite me. I’m not being mean, I just want to be honest on behalf of the single, childless, GOT community. We love your kids just not for the next hour.
How single gals be when their friend baby starts crying during GOTListen, its your house and your child. I have no right to impede on your privacy and your life. Know what tho?
Then don’t invite me over, Karen.
Simple.
We ga link up when you wanna come through alone or you get a sitter. But don’t make promises of silence and then deep into the episode you tryna spank LiL DaddyAinInThePicture while I’m trying to unpack whatever GOT is trying to do to me.
That’s not fair.
“Imma have to see you when the season is over because this is where Hennessy and a nigga with a weak pullout game gets you, Patrice!”Just be honest with yourself and act accordingly.
7. Cut your phone off
No one cares about what your GF/BF wants from Imperials on your way home. Take it outside. Please don’t be loud talking on the phone on some….
“Hey…..yeah…..girl I right here annoying everyone in the room. No, girl I could talk about this non GOT situation at the top of my lungs….whats up?”Don’t do it, Belinda. I wont cut you but I know some hardcore GOT women that will. Be safe.
8. Keep still
Pee/shit/vomit/cry before the show, please. If I’m sitting at the end of the couch and you keep passing my line of sight to go pee constantly then either position yourself near the bathroom or stay home. I don’t think y’all understand that every second of this show counts and we are INTENSE watchers.
I’m running out?
I’m going too far?
Lol….K.
If someone walked past you at this exact moment with NO chance of rewinding what would you do?….EXACTLYPee before, pee after….shit, pee your pants.
Just keep your ass still.
Get ALL the food and chips you need and keep it at arms length so you aren’t in and out of the kitchen. And don’t be on the side of niggas whispering….
“You think any wings or meatballs left? Never mind lemme just scoot past you….” #iWillEndYouSusan #OnGod”
9. Don’t Be late
Game of thrones starts at 9pm.
NINE PEE EMM
El nineo pemsitro (that’s Spanish for 9pm….@ ya ma)
Door is locked at 8:55pm.
Yes….even for you, white Jesus.
“Who??….Jesus? You removed the large stone from the sepulchre but cant pick a deadbolt, my nigga? Lol…you wild. Come back at 10, fam.”I don’t have time for, “Shit, I’m late” pleasantries.
Door lock.
Try again next week.
10. SHUT UP
I just feel like I cant say this enough.
And to all y’all meme posting, “I am part of the 1% that has never watched GOT”, and, “Ok its not THAT good…it’s not real life. Y’all running out nah!!”, and, “I’m more of a book reader so I know dumb small shit the tv watchers wouldn’t understand blah blah blah”, folks???
You get half a bar: Dracarys on ya ma!
To everyone else?
Let’s talk on Monday.
Be safe tho
