By Drew

 

I was at a bar recently eating wings and drinking my weight in scotch, discussing a female that had just exited and how important her derriere was for the community, and the nation at large. As men do, we all got into it laughing and joking about what we’d do to her in bed and lying about how we would do it…because niggas. If the conversation was honest it would sound like ….

danny-wallace-talking-to-men-about-their-friendships-116290_w650

“Man I can’t wait to disappoint the shit out of her sexually then use my money and social status to influence her to stay months beyond when she should because my ego can’t deal with the reality of my sloth like sexual prowess!!”

The bartender noted that she was single which lead me to ask why he didn’t pursue her. He replied that he had a gf and that he doesn’t cheat.

Y’all don’t hear me in this church this evening.

A Bahamian man, in front of several Bahamian men, when approached on why he wouldn’t have sex with a well rounded sexy Bahamian female replied that he doesn’t cheat…..and meant it!

Y’all women better get up out your seats and praise Jesus in here this evening!

Almost as if he sensed that my brain had exploded he then proceeded to ask the question that has always puzzled me: Why do Bahamian men cheat so much?

It’s a question I’ve had to ask myself on several occasions. Fun fact about me: I’ve never had a girlfriend that I haven’t cheated on. I have lied, schemed, manipulated….the whole gambit. The only stable relationship I’ve ever had has been with a man.

Calm down, niggas: I’m not gay. I’m talking about my barber.

“My girl may be cool, independent, successful, gorgeous and make pasta good but she doesn’t give a lineup like you, beloved. What god has put together…..”

“My girl may be cool, independent, successful, gorgeous and make pasta good but she doesn’t give a lineup like you, beloved. What god has put together…..”

I’ve legit seen niggas toil over cheating on their barber for months but cheat on their girl with an ugly chick they met 10 minutes ago.

No judgement though.

I’m sorry but if you’ve never had to come home and wash your dick in the downstairs sink to clean off the evidence then you haven’t lived life, fam.

"How was boys night out ba- wait why does your dick smell like dove hand soap?"

“How was boys night out ba- wait why does your dick smell like dove hand soap?”

Non-dick having females love to think they know the answer to this question because gals…but honestly it’s not as cut and dry as you may think, ladies.

“So what if you gained weight, don’t have sex with him and bitch him out every chance you get. All men are dogs for NO reason at all”

“So what if you gained massive amounts of weight, don’t have sex with him and bitch him out every single chance you get. All men are dogs for NO reason at all”

Really, nigga? NO reason?

We’re at a point in society where women will call you a dog with no investigation as to why the action occurred. Some of them are so bitter that they will look past the blaring flaws of their female counterparts and just resign, audibly, to the fact that “niggas aint shit” and let that energy decide the outcome of all of their future relationships…

...or lack thereof

…or lack thereof

If a house is on fire, fireman don’t clean up the mess and move forward. There’s an investigation ripe with paperwork and explanations delving into what may have caused it and why. So then why are we chalking it all up to “Well, cause niggas!”? Its lazy and irresponsible to not try and figure out the one thing that burdens us and hurts us the most. But like most stories it’s better to start at the beginning than the end.

Ladies please understand that Y’ALL are single and we never are….niggas just don’t have girlfriends.

Did you catch the difference?

Chicks are out here not having sex for weeks…..nay….MONTHS/YEARS talkin bout they “single” while I can’t go a week without putting my situation into a problem. If not then I let my hand do the work and please believe she and I have an amazing relationship.

Yes my hand is a she: Her name is Genevieve Applebottom ….she is a lady and we are in love #35YrsAndCounting #LoveYouBoo #

Yes my hand is a she: Her name is Genevieve Applebottom ….she is a lady and we are in love #35YrsAndCounting #LoveYouBoo

So with that said, when you initially began dating, that nigga was cheating on you. Especially if you refuse to come out them panties within a month or so.

"No sex for 3 months? lol...No Problem. You're worth the wait"

“No sex for 3 months? lol…No Problem. You’re worth the wait”

Later that night.

"...then she was like no sex for 3 months....sooooo guess who just got a 3 month fuckbuddy extension?!"

“…then she was like no sex for 3 months….sooooo guess who just got a 3 month fuckbuddy contract extension?!”

Any man you meet for the first time who claims to be single is having sex with someone somewhere. Please believe there is always some chick out there bangin a nigga who is biding his time until he meets a woman he actually wants to be in public with….in the day.

A lot of y'all women never seen y'all dude in the light of day let alone before 8pm but Trump is president so you have bigger issues I guess

A lot of y’all women never seen y’all dude in the light of day let alone before 8pm but Trump is president so you have bigger issues I guess

So please ignore Tyler Perry and these sitcoms that tell you niggas are just out here not having sex until they meet Ms Right. When you finally start to date it’s amazing. Nothing better than that honeymoon phase of sex, promises soon to be broken and dirty sheets.

Stop.

Somewhere between the transition away from the honeymoon phase and marriage something important happens: Men know exactly where that relationship is going.

Listen, Linda: The only thing more dangerous than a woman with a plan is a man with options. This island is small and please believe its very easy for men to cheat. Women on this island are unencumbered by your relationship, wedding rings or wives.

“Oh you’re married?! How long have you and your wife been about to break up?” - Ms. MonkeyWrench

“Oh you’re married?! How long have you and your wife been about to break up?” – Ms. MonkeyWrench

Chicks out here are wolves and there’s nothing they love more than to take your (good) nigga. So what part of this equation makes you feel safe?

You’re not.

Now understand, I’m not speaking on safety that comes with being with a good and honest man that means the best for you. No no…..that should be required in any relationship. No, I’m speaking on the comfort that a lot of women AND men feel when they know they “have” a person. Be warned: That warm blanket of security can very quickly turn into a cold blanket of delusion.

“Girl I know all his moves. I always know where he is…I can afford to not answer his text or be complacent cause trust I gat that nigga on lock!!”

“Girl I know all his moves. I always know where he is…I can afford to not answer his text or be complacent cause trust I gat that nigga on lock!!”

Meanwhile, while you were “comfortable”.

Yes her name is Becky. Yes she has good hair. In our defense though, y’all told us to call her…..repeatedly. #Sorry.

Yes her name is Becky. Yes she has good hair. In our defense though, y’all told us to call her…..repeatedly. #Sorry.

Now many of you may take issue with the theory of “never feeling safe” but I have never understood how that’s a bad thing. If I knew I could get fired for one big mistake and lose my job you don’t think I would put my best foot forward every day?

So then why on earth would you take a day off from your relationship? You’re not helping me not cheat, beloved.

Y’all think men don’t wanna feel special too? I love how women love to bash men for them having to “feed our ego” then in turn wanna curse a nigga out for not telling you you look beautiful every day. Know who IS telling him he’s special and great though?

Yip….she is.

Then when we do make the effort you either don’t believe us or can’t take the compliment.

“I mean thank u for calling me beautiful every day but my insecurities are way more powerful than your unwavering affection for me so I’m gonna assume you lying and use that as an excuse to let that corrode this relationship from the inside out. "

“I mean thank you for calling me beautiful every day but my insecurities are way more powerful than your unwavering affection for me so I’m gonna assume you’re  lying and use that as an excuse to let that corrode this relationship from the inside out. “

So again….why do Bahamian men cheat? Well if the first 1000+ words didn’t drop the hint then let me just be blunt: Because we’re unhappy.

Because we have dicks.

Because we’re in a relationship that we know we should NEVER have been in in the first place.

Because she is better than you in some way shape or form in our minds.

Because you’re not present.

Because you didn’t take the time for us that we invest in you.

Because we love you more than you love us and that’s blaringly obvious and it hurts.

Because the other female, in our brief moments, understands me better than you do.

Because she solid.

Because she was there and you weren’t.

Because she sees something in me that you never did.

Because he was drunk/high.

Because we lost that connection months ago but we don’t want another man raising our kids.

Because he doesn’t love you anymore.

Because niggas.

I could go on….

Sad right? How fickle men can be. How brazenly we cross moral lines with no regard for your feelings. Reading that almost makes ME think that niggas really ain’t shit.

But then there’s the bartender yesterday and what he said after his proclamation of being faithful to his girl. He quite simply said…”I don’t cheat because I can’t lose a woman this good.”

Gents say that to your girl(s) and watch what happens.

You know what that means…..we all know what that means. (Wet…..you will make her wet…just to be clear)

Please understand ladies that for all my false equivalencies, inaccuracies, lack of research and grandiose generalizations that I can honestly say a lot of niggas just ain’t shit.

I know dudes that at their wedding……THEIR WEDDING…. TOLD me they couldn’t wait to come back home from their honeymoon to get back to hoeing. But for every aint shit nigga out there, trust me there’s another good guy…who is presently cheating on a woman he doesn’t really like because he hasn’t found the woman he loves.

I’ve made no secret about who I was in the past. Trust me…..I have stories and hidden bodies in some dark closets.

I have regrets, big ones.

But I know me. I know that I can be faithful to that one female that encompasses everything that I need. Note that she isn’t perfect……no one is.

 

Forget what I just said. #2/5

Ok…you got me there. Forget what I just said.

Amber aside, the perfect woman does not exist: But the perfect woman for you does. You just have to take the time to find her. A lot of you niggas go into these relationships KNOWING it won’t go anywhere then make the situation worse by marrying these females with that knowledge. If more people took the time out to just be patient our divorce rate would be lower as would our marriage rate.

Sweethearting is NOT an epidemic on this island: being unequally yoked is. Females pressuring men for marriage and niggas with no backbone committing to it….it’s an endless waltz.

But yes….we can be faithful. I honestly do believe that. I have to believe that because I know I can be. I’ve been in shitty relationships. I’ve been in really good ones with the wrong person as well. But I know that when the rubber hits the road I will not jeopardize my Mrs Finally for Ms Sexual brevity.

I couldn’t and I won’t.

So if I can have that hope then please believe that ALL hope isn’t lost for Bahamian men. It’s just a matter of patience, timing, and the ability to be open. We don’t have to cheat. Half the time we don’t even want to. But it’s just a really fucked up way to have a moment of happiness away from someone we probably love but don’t like a lot. So don’t judge us too harshly……we’re weak in that way.  A lot of guys are trying and much like that bartender yesterday…..we all just want someone we would never put ourselves in a position to lose.

So now, another question remains: Why do (some) Bahamian men not cheat?

I found my answer at a bar eating wings.

Find yours.

“Car radio screaming, noise and tears. Death on the tv……but then there’s you” – Zayn Malik

 

Stay(faithfully)woke

 

 

 

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