By Drew

 

It’s difficult to start, let alone have a conversation about religion on this island. Bahamians tend to see things in black and white. Either you believe in Jesus or you worship the devil…..or you’re gay. Which is kinda the same thing to the majority of Bahamians really.  Though, to be fair, if the devil is gay I’m guessing hell is more humid than hot and I’ll bet money it’s pretty well decorated…

 “Welcome to hell, guys! Pardon the humidity it’s a bit warmer down here but we have tequilllaaaaa!!"

“Welcome to hell, guys! Pardon the humidity it’s a bit warmer down here but we have tequilllaaaaa!!”

Whats so funny about The Bahamas is we rep for white Jesus so hard but are #6 in obesity, horrible crime rate, rampant premarital sex, unspoken rape and pedophilia allegations and a penchant to nit pick through the bible to justify all these things while segregating the things we don’t like.

 “Ok Lets roll on by the 'love my neighbor' hippie foolishness and focus on the part about why women were thought of to be less than men centuries ago and make it relevant for today's sheep Bahamian women”

“Ok Lets roll on by the ‘love my neighbor’ hippie foolishness and focus on the part about why women were thought of to be less than men centuries ago and make it relevant for today’s sheep Bahamian women”

The question is which denomination do we blame? Is it the Baptists? Anglicans? Jehovah’s Witnesses? Lawrence Rolle and his inability to not dance like an in-the-closet coke addict? Who knows? That’s why I want to break down and examine the various denominations in the Bahamas.

Baptist people, why y’all services so long?

No you don’t get a poetic first sentence, we need to talk about this.

Jesus…..JESUS, preached, fed 5,000 people…WITH JESUS MAGIC and then sent them home in less than an hour. Oh I’ve read the bible and I know the sermon on the mount. He walked up and said ,

“Mideswell love each other and be good to each other cause real talk I love y’all unconditionally. Who wants bread and fish….from the sky?!”

“Also I just turned this Chelseas Choice into Lamothe Parrot cause how lit was that sermon?”

“Also I just turned this Chelseas Choice into Lamothe Parrot cause how lit was that sermon?”

The Baptist not only learned nothing from the sermon but they learned nothing about brevity. Their services run from about 9:45am to about 3/4pm. We can make an argument that most Baptists are black and black people don’t know time but that’s another article for another day. Whats funny is when the pastor does finally preach he/she always starts with “God sent me here this morning to tell you (insert exact opposite message you thought God had for you in that moment).

That’s not to say that maybe you didn’t need to hear what the Lord apparently told this person, it’s just a pretty bold and borderline arrogant statement. Joke is, it’s about some issue you know THEY are probably going through.

“...and we need to stop all this horrible, sinful, delicious, amazing, totally not what I’m doing adultery we’re having, people!”

“…and we need to stop all this horrible, sinful, delicious, amazing, totally not what I’m doing adultery we’re having, people!”

When they’re not rhyming and singing through a sermon they’re usually trying to scare us into heaven. What’s funny about the scare tactics is they will use anything at their disposal may it be weather, high grocery prices, your car catching a flat tire….anything.

“Well maybe if you didn’t masterbate so much your dad wouldn’t have cheated on your mom Brian. Now they’re getting a divorce. The wages of sin, my dude”

“Well maybe if you didn’t masterbate so much your dad wouldn’t have cheated on your mom Brian. Now they’re getting a divorce. The wages of sin, my dude”

 

Oh I’m being too broad with this? So I’m the only one who’s noticed when a hurricane doesn’t hit us it’s because “God shows favor on the faithful” but the minute there’s a tropical storm warning it’s because of the gays, general sin and that the Bahamas has turned its back on God.

Pardon me but…. really, nigga?

We have SO many more sinners than we did before Hurricane Andrew and you’re trying to tell me that God saved us because we’re better?

Cut it out.

I rag on the Baptists because I grew up in a Baptist church so I consider myself somewhat of an expert. But I’m sure the same goes for the Anglicans, though, to be fair, they have way shorter services and frankly, I feel like they get it. My father is Anglican and I loved going to his church. The incense, the repetition…..the 6 minute sermon.

“The Dolphins play in like 30 minutes guys so…um…ya…God is love and let's go out there and, I don’t know, do that. Link up.”

“The Dolphins play in like 30 minutes guys so…um…ya…God is love and let’s go out there and, I don’t know, do that. Link up.”

Best preachers ever. They get to the point and keep it moving. Sure I have a problem sharing a cup of the risen saviors “blood” with 120 other people and eating his body out of the hands of a human that JUST shook several sinners hands but it’s a small price to pay to have ¾’s of your Sunday to live your life. My favorite thing to see is when Baptist people go to an Anglican church for a funeral, wedding or just to visit: Hands down the best time you’ll have. Baptists are so used to interrupting their pastor with the jumping and screaming that when they do it at a quiet ceremony all the other Anglicans look at them like they’re nuts.

“This isn’t your ghetto church madam. Would you mind zipping your lips?”

“This isn’t your ghetto church madam. Would you mind zipping your lips?”

Lets be honest though, the Anglican church is not exactly normal given the weird robes, headpieces and Gregorian chant. Could be worse, they could be knocking on our doors at 7am like the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Um, Jehovah’s Witnesses, y’all know it hot right?

No no, your umbrella is not helping and last time I checked the blood of the lamb does not protect us from the heat of the sun. Y’all be in these streets walking miles to spread Jehovah’s words. But let us deal with the original sin: Where y’all parking?

“Sir you’re going to court. Jehovah may witness but I doubt he’ll testify”

“Sir you’re going to court. Jehovah may witness but I doubt he’ll testify”

That’s not your yard, Jehovah’s witnesses. You can’t just park in people’s yards and hope we don’t tow your vehicles. Also I need you to know that we’re home. Yes, all of us are home. I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I didn’t open the door for the past 30 years cause damn it Jehovah’s Witnesses its Saturday and I need to think on my sins right now. Also I’m hungover and the last thing I wanna hear is about your thoughts on Heaven and that meager number of folks that aren’t going to heaven……you included.

My thing is if only 144,000 of y’all are going to heaven then why are you trying to recruit MORE people who may be way more eligible than you to receive the 40 virgins or Jehovah’s superpowers or whatever it is that happens in your version of the hereafter? That’s like me knowing KFC is giving out free chicken between the hours of 5 – 6 and walking around the #6 most obese nation IN THE WORLD and spreading the “good news”. I’ll leave friends and family on judgement day like…

“See you at the crossroads, fam”

“See you at the crossroads, fam”

But don’t think I don’t see y’all, Jehovah’s Witnesses. Oh I saw what you did the past few years. You added some good-looking girls to your roster. Oh I still don’t open the door, don’t get me wrong, but I look a lil bit.

Praise Jesus Jehovah

Praise Jesus Jehovah

To your credit though, we make fun of you guys knocking on doors and disturbing our sin sleep but you’re actually doing what God said to do. Go out, spread the word and be faithful. No one can argue that. Well…..if its one crew that can and will argue anything it’s those Ankh fellas.

I’m willing to bet money that you can show any Ankh person a picture of anything and they can make a strong argument for how the white man is in some way trying to screw us over.

rs_634x789-150325150546-634.Idris-Elba-032515

“Look at this slave breathing the white mans air…..that suit is made of the same wool your ancestors picked, House nigga!”

They are super angry at white folks and gays to the point where sooner or later the argument always ends up with you feeling sorry that you’re not black/woke enough. Also, as a favor to me and everyone else on Facebook, can y’all stop posting the 7am hanging, cut up, beatin black folks from the civil rights era? I think you guys think no one else is aware racism exists. Listen, I know it exists and I call people, places and things out on it almost every day. However, I’m heading into work, I’m in traffic and I’m bumping my Phil Collins right now…..can I not be reminded that white people used to hang us from trees? I’m not saying don’t post it, please do….I want to be woke. Just not at 7am is all I’m saying.

I’m going to the white mans job, wearing Ralph Lauren and buying McDonalds…I’m at peak house nigga right now and don’t have the energy to be woke at the moment, my dude.

I’m going to the white mans job, wearing Ralph Lauren and buying McDonalds…I’m at peak house nigga right now and don’t have the energy to be woke at the moment, my dude.

Post it at like 12pm when I hate everyone and ready to join either race. See I’m an equal opportunity racist: I don’t like anyone. KKK could post a picture of them mocking some dude named Ryan Lunn and I’d be like…

“I know a nigga named Ryan Lunn I hate too….they may have a point there”

“I know a nigga named Ryan Lunn I hate too….they may have a point there”

Also, is there a race between you guys and the Baptist to see who can stop the impending gay apocalypse? I mean I know it’s a hot button issue and its pretty divisive but damn, homie. The sad part about the Ankh guys is I actually love what they teach. All my life I was told “hair like wool and olive skin” but then ended up with Leonardo Dicaprio Jesus. To be fair I’m also not a fan of the Black Jesus imagery they’re trying to give us either.

Dude looks like he's either about to die for my sins or drop the realest Culture album of our generation.

Dude looks like he’s either about to die for my sins or drop the realest Culture album of our generation.

That said though I love that they teach actual facts AND have historical info to back up most of their claims. That’s something I can’t really say for Christianity, especially modern-day Christianity as they’ve spent more time trying to collect tithes than they do actually looking into facts about who, where and when Jesus was. Hats off to the Ankh guys for telling the truth no matter how…um…gruesome.

Can y’all put up like one picture of us winning? Can I get a Jordan photo or SOMETHING?!

Can y’all put up like one picture of us winning? Can I get a Jordan photo or SOMETHING?!

Then you have the non denominational church (Or whatever NPCC is). You know the church I’m talking about. The one where they accept everyone regardless of skin color or sexual orientation….hippies! The Baptist church just recently allowed women to wear pants and these psychos are out here allowing men to wear cargo shorts to church. So in essence the guy dressed like this..

jesus-coming-out-of-the-tomb

…didn’t want women dressed like this

22b1536acc89a9ffb0bd6dc0542180ef….but totally wanted his “messengers” to be bling-ed out like this?

TB-Joshua-Net-Worth

And y’all mad at the non denominational church because they allow you to literally come and praise the lord “as you are”? And THESE are the people voting in the referendum?

LOL…have fun with that kiddos.

Oh wait, I know why y’all are mad at that church. They put up those artifacts near the airport that they claimed was art. Stupid hippies. They obviously didn’t realize that art to Bahamians is a 50yr old Chicken in the middle of the highway, a Pigeon and a conch shell. Next thing you know these hippies will show us some picture of a woman showing her neck and hands and call it art as well.

Whore!

Whore!

I like the non denominational. They don’t judge, they do a lot for the people and they go into communities that even I’m afraid to go into. They do a lot of good. However I grew up in a black Baptist church: Kinda weirds me out how y’all speak to Jesus sometimes.

“Hey there Lord, it's me Joel….and I’m here to pray for a few friends of mine"

“Hey there Lord, it’s me Joel….and I’m here to pray for a few friends of mine”

Um No…you don’t do that in black churches. We approach God like he’s Daenerys Tagaryen…

“Most righteous and everlasting father who cures all illnesses, soothes the fire, topples the mountain tops. The every living ever present lord God who was the first of your name and the last in the game. The most POWERFUl Redeemer…."

“Most righteous and everlasting father who cures all illnesses, soothes the fire, topples the mountain tops. The every living ever-present lord God who was the first of your name and the last in the game. The most POWERFUl Redeemer….”

That goes on for at least 5-8 minutes until he finally gets to praying for the people and more offering for the “building fund”. Not to say our way is wrong,  I’m just saying I don’t feel comfortable talking to the creator like we bout to have a beer later is all.

To each his own though.

In the end think of how amazing it would be if we were to have one religion. If we took the Baptist enthusiasm with the Anglicans sanctity, the Ankhs knowledge, the Jehovah Witnesses resolve and the non denominational acceptance…..how truly powerful could THAT movement be?

Or we could squash religion on the whole and just love each other and treat everyone with respect and decide that we’re all one because honestly I feel like……

…damn it, Ankh people, how did you get in here again!!!

…damn it, Ankh people, how did you get in here again!!!

Sigh

Stay (religiously) Woke

 

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