by ANDREW and KARI

Humans of earth the day is upon us.

This is the day we’ve been waiting for. The day we have longed for. Game of Thrones is back and its about goddamn time. But then, just when we were dealing with what I assume will be an emotional roller coaster of a first episode, four days later, Aubrey “Drake” Graham will drop his much anticipated “Views from the 6” album. I might as well tell you, depending on Jon Snow’s status, you might as well get ready to feel all of your feelings.

Pictured above: Feelings

Pictured above: Feelings

I was sitting down thinking this week about how many similarities there are between Game of Thrones and the music of Drake. He’s super emotional but pretends he can handle himself in these streets. Game of Thrones is super emotional and equally as fictional as his street cred.

OVO unruly indeed

So, with this in mind, Dakarai (DD)  and Andrew (AB) give you Drake the Thrones.

Tyrion Takes Care – DD

“This game is different
You only get one shot when niggas gon’ foul on you

Man, fuck ’em all, man, we want it all
Don’t get too involved, we gon’ knock you off
And to top it all I’m with all the dogs
It’s a new season and we still breathin’ “

No Merchandising. Editorial Use Only. No Book Cover Usage Mandatory Credit: Photo by HBO/Everett/REX_Shutterstock (4705667g) Peter Dinklage, 'The Wars To Come', (Season 5, ep. 01) Game of Thrones - 2015

To Tyrion Lannister – no matter what the season, this little drunk Imp is out here making it work for him and his new squad cross the narrow sea. He’s got Varys with him and “Fine for No Reason” slave girl. And that’s about it. With those two he has to run an entire city of sexual deviants. They survived a terrorist attack that was looking pretty grim and now mans dem about to lock down an entire continent just based off brain power. Classic Aubs.

Rob “You and the 6” Stark – AB

“You’re your fathers child, man, thank God you got some me in you”

Its no way you can listen to this song and not think about Rob Stark. He loves his mother, no one can deny that. But he loved his father and they are very similar in that they were men of honor, men with pride, and both hate having necks.

I think about this man way more often than I should

I think about this man way more often than I should

Also note that much like Drake, Rob and Catelyn Stark have a strained relationship where often fought over matters of the heart and choices in females. Mama Graham, in this song, is trying to hook him up with a gym trainer meanwhile Aubrey is busy saving hoes from foreign lands that will probably lead to his inevitable doom. Sound familiar….

...Rob was busy saving hoes from foreign lands that lead to his inevitable doom

…Rob was busy saving hoes from foreign lands that lead to his inevitable doom

Robert “Say Whats Real” Baratheon – AB

“..and I don’t have the heart to give these bitch niggas the cue to go”

Hands down Robbie B. was the realest nigga on this show and he only lasted 1 season. He predicted ALL of this shit much like Drake predicted his greatness and what would come with it in this song. People tend to confuse Roberts drunkenness and assume he’s not as cunning as lets say a Tyrion. Robert by all means may not be as affluent as the half man or as eloquent as the eunich but for what he lacked in elegance he made up for in savagery.

I’m not for domestic violence but…

In the end, he spoke his mind and said….well, what was real. But then again we all see where truth and loyalty gets you in the Game Of Thrones universe….

I’m gonna keep putting this up until someone cries

I’m gonna keep putting this up until someone cries

“October’s Very Own” Little Finger – DD

“I still been drinkin’ on the low, mobbin’ on the low
Fuckin’ on the low, smokin’ on the low
I still been plottin’ on the low, schemin’ on the low
The furthest thing from perfect like everyone I know”

Lysa-and-Littlefinger

To Little Finger, low key one of my favorite characters. This is the thing people don’t tell you about “Savages” – they are made that way by a past that haunts them and motivated by the need to inflict the pain they endured onto the world. This is what Little Finger’s quest is all about. He wants to sit on the Iron Throne to prove to everyone that he’s worth more than the humble beginnings he started from. To prove to the Starks that he is worthy of their family. Worthy of Catelyn. A self-made man. He’s been drinking’, fucking, smoking , scheming his way to the top ever since. Respect blood.

Cersei “Bitch is Crazy” Lannister – AB

“I respect a woman but this bitch is crazy….and she don’t even knowwwwwwwww”

No, but y’all realize Cersei is a lunatic right?

Cersei is so crazy I think she had to sleep with her own brother because no other man could tolerate the abuse that she would inflict on him. Her resume alone speaks for itself. Robert Baratheon, drunkard. Jamie Lannister, brother with no backbone when it comes to her. Lancel Lannister, weak puppy with no soul. It got so bad that her father tried to marry her to one of 3 homosexuals in Kings Landing. Let that sink in. Lets assume there are 500 men in Kings Landing….you mean to tell me 497 of them were too afraid of Cersei’s Va-j-j to the point where poor PaPa Lannister had to try marry her off to 1/3 of the gay population? That’s some pretty potent crazy my friends. She has the mind of an sophisticated jungless with a masters degree in pants shittingly crazy. …..

…and she don’t even know

Cersei “Bitch is Crazy” Lannister – DD

Nah fam another Aubs lyric more appropriately describes not only the Trap Queen but also the love of her life Jaime Lannister.

“I’ll compromise if I have to, I gotta stay with the family
Not even talkin’ to Nicki, communication is breakin’
I dropped the ball on some personal shit, I need to embrace it
I’m honest, I make mistakes, I’d be the second to admit it
Think that’s why I need her in my life, to check me when I’m trippin’ “

Jaime knows how many times he’s let Cersei down, like the time he got captured, got his hand chopped off and didn’t escape fast enough for her liking. Cause #Gals. They stopped talking for a bit, during which she was busy being crazy and spazzing over Joffery’s death and trying to get their brother killed. Or as Cersei calls it, Tuesday.  Then finally she used her galdom to bully Jaime into going on a suicide mission to rescue their other child. All the while scheming to take out a threat to her divahood which inevitably led to her incarceration. She checked him alright, but getting checked by a crazy chick never ends well fam.

Jon “Worst Behaviour” Snow – AB

“Always hated the boy but now the boy is the man, motherfucker I done growed up”

Yeah yeah, I know, he may actually be super dead. But even if he is can we just sit back and deal with the fact that Jon Snow has legit been kicking ass for 5 seasons now? He’s been secretly savage every episode but the only reason why we don’t really pay attention to his ass kickery is because one minute he’s killing his mentors whilst captured no less….

Jon_kills_Qhorin

The next he’s giving some Irish jungless too much head in a heated grotto.

She doesn’t want to leave mainly because of the mouth pleasuring

He’s more or less the James Bond of Game of thrones. Hell he even has a very James Bond-esque tag line. Jon has been on his worst behavior from day one and we need to take our eyes off his too conditioned hair and deal with how much he’s fucking shit up. If God and George R Martin be merciful then….

...he’ll be coming back on his worst behavior

…he’ll be coming back on his worst behavior

Jon Snow Never Forget – DD

“These bitches be nagging the kid
Fuck it, it is what it is, if you get hit you get hit
I don’t forget or forgive
Told myself never again, I don’t let nobody in”

First Ygritte, then Ollie, and then every other god damned member of the Night’s Watch. I really hope when Jon Snow Targaryen comes back he takes no prisoners and doesn’t let anyone get close enough to stab him again. He also has to decimate everyone that hurt the Starks, every member of the Night’s Watch and whoever he needs to rescue Sansa from eventually…because come on we know it’s gonna happen.

Arya “Know Yourself” Stark – AB

“I was runnin through the 6 with my woes”

I think Arya knew about 1 season of peace then for the next 4 seasons that’s pretty much all she did: run through the 6 with her woes. And by 6 I mean 666 cause that little she-wolf has been through hell. To her credit though she never pretended to give a shit more than she needed to. Literally within the first 20 minutes of episode 1 we see her emasculating niggas.

Bran should have stood up for himself while he could still do so….you know….without assistance

She knows who she is and makes no apologies for it. Now she’s really blind and and getting trained to be a ninja so something tells me she’s about to turn up this season. Also lets keep in mind she has the highest body count amongst the younger Starks. So while Bran is at Hogwart’s Arya has to hold it down.

Something tells me she’s up for the challenge

Arya 1st Team All GOT Killers – DD

“I pull the knife out my back and cut they throat with it, momma
I’m Game of Thrones with it, momma
I’m Home Alone with it, momma
I really hate using this tone with you, momma
I really hate getting aggressive on this phone with you, momma”

To Arya Stark who is about to cut the throat of everyone in Westeros and not give a single solitary fuck, because as far as she’s aware her entire family is under the dirt. As a faceless man she’s probably going to speak to Cat from beyond the grave and tell her moms this list still in tact niggas gatta get got.

Maester Pycell “Connects” – DD

“Swanging, eyes closed just swanging
Same city, same friends if you’re looking for me
Same city, same friends if you’re looking
I’ll be here just swanging
Don’t talk to me like I’m famous
And don’t assume cause I don’t respect assumptions bae
I’m just tryna connect with somethin’ baby
Yeah, swanging”

TeIFiAe

Gotta give this one to Maester Pycell. He’s still somehow kicking around King’s Landing flying under the radar just trying to stay alive and not piss anyone else off. Last I remember he got thrown in a dungeon, but he’s alive and that’s the thing about Game of Thrones once you’re alive that’s all that matters; you can make a comeback. You make the right connect and you’re good.

Samwell “Started From the Bottom” Tarly – AB

“Boys tell stories about the man. Say I never struggled, wasn’t hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga”

First off lets be clear: Samwell is that nigga. He’s arguably the most intelligent character on the show with the highest volume of common sense. Did you see him during the battle for the wall? Cool as a fan my dude. But before the big battle he was supposed to be the weakest nigga in the crew. Not much to look at, no fighting skills and no gals. Fast forward a few season and he has equal amount of white walker kills as Jon Snow, he was more or less the liaison for the grand meister and he even got a lill wildling jungaless on the way to the top.

Broken female with an absentee baby daddy, no life skills and the social awareness of a sugar apple….yip, Jungless

Broken female with an absentee baby daddy, no life skills and the social awareness of a sugar apple….yip, Jungaless

Samwell started off taking a cut ass from his “brothers” and when we left him in season 5 he was on his way to Hogwart’s to find a way to do magic or cure Westeros herpes or some shit. I forget. Needless to say he’s a pivotal character now and probably the most woke of anyone on the Night’s Watch.

Definitely more woke than this bastard. (See what I did there?)

Definitely more woke than this bastard. (See what I did there?)

Tywin “6 God” Lannister – DD

“Tables turn, bridges burn, you live and learn
With the ink I could murder, word to my nigga Irv
Yeah, I swear shit just started clickin’ dog
You know it’s real when you are who you think you are”

tywin-lannister-house-lannister-36870655-2885-1920

To Tywin Lannister. Still the realest nigga with a pen. Started and ended wars from behind a desk while these dudes still arguing who was the best at sword fighting. Pause.

Jorah “Captin Friend Zone” Mormont – DD

“I’m too good for you, too good for you
You should go back to him, perfect match for you, unstable
Doing me dirty (dirty, dirty)
You’re making me nervous
I haven’t even heard from you
You look drained, you look exhausted
Girl them late nights ain’t good for you
Really starting to show on you
Don’t hit me up when it’s good for you
Ungrateful”

DanyJorahExile

To Captain Friend Zone who got kicked out of the city TWICE by Danny. He saved her life from assassination attempts TWICE. She then got saved by her Dragon leaving her entire team on the ground. Sure, getting a flight from a dragon is like having the chance to sleep with an A-list celebrity. Whatever the scenario, you gotta take that shot as long as you’re prepared to live with the consequences. But he needs to straight up diamond dance Danny off the god damn scene already. Wait I just remembered, he has an actual disease and is still trying to rescue her for the THIRD time. Jora Morment Captain Friend Zone please for the love of God listen to Diamond Dancing one god damned time.

“Don’t hit me up when it’s good for you
Ungrateful”

Take care and stay woke.

 

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