by DAKARAI DORSETT
Game of Thrones is not just a show, it’s a cultural event. It’s the most streamed/pirated show on television, and that matters because HBO is a paid TV service, but who’s trying to pay for television in 2016 when you have the internet. Flawed model if you ask me. But HBO barely cares about piracy, they wear that most pirated show on TV distinction with pride because beyond ratings what HBO really cares about is producing THE prestige show.
They had it with Sopranos, The Wire and True Detective and now they have it with Thrones. This is your season 6 primer and there are a few things we have to get out the way first.
Firstly, one of your favorite characters is going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it. Here’s a helpful graphic to prepare you for what’s about to happen.
Second, it has been a long arduous journey but the TV show Game of Thrones fans have finally caught up with the book version of Game of Thrones. People who read all the book had a specific air of condescension whenever they spoke to a fan who “just watched the TV show”. They’d make snide comments like “oh you just wait until…(insert life altering event happens)”. They’d pull out their phones and start video tapping you right before stuff like this… happens.
Lastly, there will be an excess in Game of Thrones coverage everywhere and you’re going to be saturated by opinions, Stephen A. Smith like hot takes, and we’re going to be a part of the problem. Podcast, articles, video, live streams, useless analysis, bad metaphors, memes IG videos shit we may even use MySpace to cover this. All in good fun of course..unless they kill Arya cause well, then fuck them. But anyway you’re here for a primer for season 6 so let’s get to it.
Bacchanal Jon Snow
He’s alive. They put out false flag that Kit Harrington/Jon Snow may be leaving the show to do movies, or whatever else people with hair like that do, but remember a few things about that analysis. First John made this pile of shit movie.
Then you have to remember that the last time a handsome white guy died on this show he kinda went on to be cast in….nothing. I haven’t seen Rob Stark so much as a BTC commercial since he left Thrones. Rob wishes he could come back as a Zombie. Jon Snow is staying right where he is, he did go undercover as a Wildling now he can go undercover as a WhiteWalker this is obvious.
Speaking of the bastard, he’s actually fucking Ygritte in real life, that’s amazing. I guess Jon Snow knows everything.
Also, what a coup for Ygritte. She took advantage of close quarters and took the opportunity to bag Jon Snow. Great job by her.
Also last year when Lebron was putting up monster numbers during the Finals in a losing attempt, Jon Snow died…and we did this. The NBA Finals and Game of Thrones are intertwined never forget this.
Daenerys Targaryen (Why she always lost)
For the love of God get Google Maps already. Andrew and I have been saying this for about five years now. How is she still not in Kings Landing. In fact, when we left her she was with a Dothraki horde (again) and with no dragons(again). Somehow she has to escape the Dothraki, rebuild her army after the Sons of the Harpy decimated her Unsullied, and make it to Kings Landing all in the three seasons the show has left. She hasn’t left the continent in 5 seasons. By the way, I’m sure this is all going to work itself out.
Her only way out of this is if The Dothraki are all like oh shit it’s Khaleesi we’ll follow you and her dragonless ass anywhere. It’s her only way out unless of course Captain Friend Zone and her side nigga come and save her.
Where the fuck you been son?
Tyrion & Varys (Step Brothers)
I’d like to drink like you someday Tyrion. The last time we saw Tyrion, he Varyus and “Hot Light Skinned Chick” aka “Fine for No Reason” were left behind to run a city that hates them and with the GOT ISIS still on their case . Tyrion and Varyus are the Steph Curry and Klay Thompson of bars though. My predication is that for all of season 6 is that they’re going to be trading one liners with Jamaican air horns sounding off in the background with maybe be a crowd of black people saying “ooooooooooohhh” like it’s a freestyle battle. Last thing – how is Tyrion the safest Lannister after all of this? How?
The Trap Queen (Cersei)
It wasn’t really a Walk of Shame, because prior to a walk of shame we’d presume you had a pretty lit time night the night before. No, this was more of a Walk of Humiliation with Lena Headey calling in relief pitching via an ass model. Let’s face it, she doesn’t have time to hit the gym…cause acting. If only you could do this in real life. Re-watching Game of Thrones and listening to our podcast reminded me that Hilary Clinton declared her candidacy for president the day season 5 premiered. In the season 5 premiere, it was foreshadowed that Cersei would basically lose everything, including her crown.
Not saying all of this is a bad sign for Hilary, but it sure as shit ain’t a good one. “The Walk” played on feminist archetypes and was so obviously served as a metaphor for Cersei’s own journey and how the people she ruled truly felt about her. You feel that not only did it have to be telegraphed for a specific purpose, but her reaction and her revenge quest has to be emblematic of the walk. Nudity now has an entirely different place on this show. If you’re going to do that to the most powerful woman on the show then no one is safe. They had her dragged down because of the the hate society had for her, which they internalized all along and only manifested itself at the very last moment. On second thought thought this is definitely a bad sign for Hilary.
Well at least this emasculated pawn got laid last season. He was somehow a mama’s boy/pussy drunk husband, and a coward all in one season. If anyone could make us miss Joffrey, it’s this guy. His wife, mother, and brother in law were all locked away and tortured by a bunch of guys with no shoes and bad branding. What did he do? He cowered in the Red Keep. Yeah I’m out on Tommen.
Lebron Jaime Lannister
This one handed sister fucking Knight is coming back to Kings Landing with his “dead” daughter. He’s now on a Taken like revenge quest with Bron as his wingman and mentor. And what’s he walking into? Pixie haircut pissed off emotionally damaged Cersei armed with the news that Lancel (who was sleeping with his sister/baby mama) is responsible for just about all of this. I’m predicting MVP like numbers for Jaime as long as he listens to Bron along the way.
Arya & Sansa
The Stark Sisters have to put some points on the board this season. Arya is now a blind ninja who still has a list of people left to kill, which will probably grow with the more information she gets about what’s going on in Kings Landing. Meanwhile Sansa is being rescued for the 100th time on this show and has become the definition of “damsel in distress”aside from the one time she squaded up with Little Finger. She really needs to somehow get in contact with the Giant Lesbian Brienne and get the hell out of Dodge.
Thrones has been a nihilistic story that someone how navigated the line of being a show about the politics of game theory while simultaneously showing us boobs and talking about dragons. There’s been nothing like it on television. If you read the tea leaves, listen to a book reader theories and traverse the the message that George RR Martin is trying to convey we know one thing ultimately despite all of Thrones nuances that is inescapable true: This is coming down to a a nerdtastic fantasy show of Ice Zombies vs. Dragons. The Spurs vs. The Warriors. With Drogon flying north to save all of Westeros. Then again we have to remember that this is Thrones, they always zig when they should zag, so maybe we’ll end up with Bran bringing all the Starks back from the dead and ending it all with one last Spirit Bomb.