Sex In The Bahamas (And How We’re All Doing It Wrong)

By Drew


Has anyone reading this ever heard of the Kingsway 5 point tongue twister oral love technique?

I’ll explain it later…but for now…

There was a time on this island when we were innocent. Doggy style was considered risqué, talking about sex was considered taboo and porn was dial up. For my millennial reader(s), dial up was a slower form of internet run by BATELCO that involved your actual phone line, your computer, and powered, I assume, by broken potcakes on a hamster wheel running on the promise of food and not having to live in the ghetto.

They’re essentially jonsers without a language or….you know….B.O

I remember when just having pictures of naked women was a thing. Guys would bring pics of naked girls to school and they would be the hero of the day. I can’t really speak for women but I’ve definitely been told some very interesting prepubescent showerhead stories by gals but thine my business.

If your girl understands this reference then you’re with a queen….God Bless


Suffice to say, we’ve evolved as a community. But, as much as we’ve evolved, we’ve stayed the same in many regards. We need to address our shortcomings and not-cumings as we discuss sex in the Bahamas.

So….y’all know these gals ain cumin right? Hahahaha. Dey lying to y’all bey cause masculinity fragile king.

My bad….I feel like that was too soon….That was very St. Augustines of me. Let me rephrase.

I do hope that many of my fellow Bahamians are aware that during coitous, many of the females involved with said act are not only left wanting but are probably going to complete the task, most ardently I assume, in the bathroom or with (Insert name of the not-you nigga she told you not to worry about). So while she may be laying with you like this….


…she’s probably gonna go to sleep like this…

…with a nigga with a mundane name like Frank on her mind. Always a goddamn Frank

And no, its not her fault, it’s kinda yours. A lot of you missed the first 3 chapters of the sex book and went straight to the ground and pound part. And lets address you “I don’t eat pussy” niggas. Let me ask y’all a question:

How dare you?

Beloved….vagina is delicious if maintained and served correctly. Its part of a balanced diet.

Here we have a Winton Heights cut, lightly seasoned, medium rare Vag with a touch of bath and body works French vanilla essence and served in a bed of Victoria secret lace with a side of freshly shaved yet robust Winton lips on the sides. Bonne A petit!

Its 2017: If you’re not eating it then someone else is and I want better for your relationship.

See, there was a time on this island where information was very limited to what you did and didn’t know. Females didn’t have porn unless they were lucky enough to afford a satellite and able to get the Spice channel. Let’s not act like we all didn’t have that one uncle that had satellite and you knew to put it on S1:15 or F2:35 or whatever the code was that got you blurry ass sideboob softcore nonsense that I still totally got off on when I was younger.

*Grabs lotion*

Now theres so much free porn available chicks are watching it more than niggas and learning….my god are they learning. I once had a chick put on a scene that was bokmarked on her computer…

…..Y’all ain hearin me this morning.




COMPUTER…..and go through that shit like it was a goddamn anatomy class. So if that’s the case then why did you ever believe that your 3 minutes of mouth breathing and pounding got her where she needed to go?

Sidebar: If niggas are out here lasting as long as 3 minutes please link me up so I can know how to get that extra 2minutes cause….

Standard face of every female I’ve ever had sex with

Yes, yes I know….she told you “it’s yours!” and even threw in a “This is the best sex I’ve ever had” and “Really Andrew? We just started!!”……all the usual stuff.

Um, fam….she said that to the first 10 niggas before you too….You are not special my nigga. That’s just something they say to either get you to hurry up and nut or just to boost your ego so you don’t go and mess with another chick.

“Dudes stuck wondering if their girl has really been with that many niggas before them #SheHas #MultiplyWhateverSheToldYouBy5 #WhoCaresTho #StayWoke”

Please stop bragging in the barbershop about how you “blew her back out” and “sheen goin nowhere”.

Nigga….yes she is.

I’m not saying she isn’t faithful mind you….I know a few women who have stayed with some apparently limp dick niggas on the strength of being comfortable. Its some chicks reading this right now trying to rationalize their present fucktuationship.

“He can’t grind but we get along so well and he feeds me so….”

So don’t get gassed. Treat sexual compliments from women the way a 10 year old treats Santa Clause: You know it’s probably not true, you KNOW you weren’t that good all these years….but hey….free orgasms gifts and cookies after!

“Don’t bullshit me, Carol: Hand over the work and pass the cookies”

I just don’t want Bahamian men to be as disillusioned as these females who really think they have the best vagina in the world just cause we told them that with a straight face.


Wait….did y’all actually believe that?

My bad…ya…we tend to say that a lot because niggas.

If your girl just started doing this then its time to stay at your mother’s for a few weeks, beloved. #BeSafeTho

Now, are there high quality vaginas out there with perfect elasticity, amazing grip strength, and over all just gosh golly the best time ever?


Here’s the part your dude didn’t tell you: Yours isn’t the only one.

Above: Women with the same vagina falling for a nigga they pray is a king. #ForGameOfThronesFans

And yes, the old adage holds true: Only thing better than pussy is new pussy.

That’s 100% correct.

But please stop being quick to call niggas dogs on the strength of that mantra. Y’all only didn’t come up with it cause you were too busy trying to deal with Captain No-Dick and didn’t take the time to source several penis quotes so you can purchase the one that suited you. Y’all out here buying dick off the rack and mad that, for generations, niggas were busy putting pussy on layaway……with the option to buy.

“After a year of riding it I’d like to try a newer model….something less noisey with better penis cup holders”

Now, lets assume you actually have really good Vag….a good vag does not a good fuck make. That’s like me having a 10 inch dick and I’m ramming it in you with no regard for your kidney functions.

A vag is only as good as its owners ability to use it.

Don’t think that just because that nigga made the “don’t cum to quick” face at the very beginning that he’s not annoyed that you’ve been starfishing on the dick for a half hour. I’ve been with some women with mediocre Vag that took me to heaven and back and chicks with volcanic vag that couldn’t screw a lightbulb in place.

Its levels to this shit. It’s the freak in you not the Vag on you.

Exhibit A #NeverForget #MrsStealYourNigga

And no…just because you read 50 Shades of Grey does not mean you’re “so out there”.

Shut up….you’re the vegan of sexuality. If you read that and got “alarmed” then you’re horrible in bed and your dude is cheating on you as we speak.

I have a theory that at this point we’re all freaks. I mean what really surprises us anymore? It’s standard for a chick to have a bag of tricks and goodies.

Shit, niggas too.

The average household has a small to large treasure trove of shit they got at EJ’s that one time when no one was looking. Niggas be at EJ’s like…

“Let me get 3 Kalik Gold, 1 Long Love, 1 cock ring, 2 anal beads and 1 bluebird fruit punch please.”

Listen, life is about progression and elevation. I joke a lot about how bad everyone is but obviously not EVERYONE is bad.

Niggas will still have a crime spree in Blair in December because some chicks head game is spectacular and some female just bought dinner and (more) liquor for her unemployed fuckboy boyfriend who way to good at NBA 2K and who dicks her down with excellence and fervor.

It happens.

But at some point we gotta take the ego and shame out of sex if we’re going to be….wait for it…..Suc-sex-ful.

I’ve been waiting to say that for like 6 paragraphs now. You’re welcome

Ladies, stop faking it.

If that nigga is chewing, with his teeth, on your universe, then tell him. Any dude worth your time will be willing to learn and put in the necessary work to get you where you need to be.

Guys, stop faking it. If that chick is sucking your dick, with her teeth, then tell her.


Oh y’all think niggas don’t fake orgasms?

LMAO….I won’t get into too much detail for the sake of sparing feelings but ya….we do. Especially when that Hennessey gets involved. You really thought that nigga came after that 45th minutes of sex? No….he just gave up and made a sound, beloved.


But, all that being said, I’m glad we’re here as a country. There was a time this article would have been the most controversial piece of writing in the country. Now there’s a couple reading this like ….

“He didn’t even get into BDSM, coprophilia and Autoerotic asphyxiation…this nigga boring.”

First of all, y’all nasty.

Secondly, if that’s your thing then go for it, fam.

Listen, every real freak knows that ONE verse in the Bible that gives them license to be nasty: “The wedding bed is undefiled”. I know niggas that got married just on the strength of that verse.

“Head hurting? Lol…Fix nasty…I have papers on this crabby, sweetgirl”

So, with that being said, I’ll take it a step further……married or not, if that’s your person then knock yourself out.

As long as there’s consent and everyone’s in agreement with the nasty freakshow you’re about to put on then by all means Godspeed.

Understand that Trump is president, Minnis is Prime Minister and the robots are probably going to get us long before they do: This is not the time to play cute and pretend like you don’t give head or you’re not the freak you are. And for all you ladies still proclaiming that shit please understand its not cute.

“Good girls” finish last, beloved.

The same head you refuse to suck is the same head being sucked by a willing, nastier, less “good” female. And, guys, same goes for you: Sex is like buying food from double Dragon….its not done until you BOTH get your cookies. Stop prioritizing your needs over hers and figuring “She’ll get over it, thas mine” like she doesn’t have a LIST of niggas in her DM’s WAITING to replace you.

“…which one of these niggas do I need to take out the friendzone real quick.”

Now, about the Kingsway 5 point tongue twister oral love technique:

First you’re going to need Organic honey, coconut oil, rope, a neck brace, satin cloth (for the friction) and 2 ice cold Malta Hatueys (These are key)..First you’re gonna wanna write down an emergency contact due to the*This portion of the article was redacted by the editors for legal reasons as well as just….. no.. Thanks for reading*


Be safe tho