NFL 2016 Picks: Week 3


Week 2 Awards

The “C.R.E.A.M” Award presented by the Wu-Tang Clan – The Ministry of Tourism. Did we really just get into business with Daniel Snyder and the Washington Racial Slurs? Of all the teams in the NFL…those guys.

Literally forging a relationship on an ancient burial ground
Literally forging a relationship on an ancient burial ground

The “Is This What You Left Me For” Award presented by Jennifer Aniston’s reaction to news of the Brangelina divorce – Carson Wentz. The Browns traded down and passed on Wentz. Cleveland is down to its third string quarterback after just two games, meanwhile Wentz is 2-0 and is the early leader for offensive rookie of the year.

"You aint want me when ya had me, now ya on ya third baby daddy and can't stand to see a nigga happy" - Method Man/Carson Wentz
“You aint want me when ya had me, now ya on ya third baby daddy and can’t stand to see a nigga happy” – Method Man/Carson Wentz

The “Abuse Of Power” Award presented by The scourge of the Royal Bahamas Police Force, the jerks who wait through School Lane on their lame bicycles hiding behind cars just hoping for a gotcha moment to dish out a seatbelt ticket – The referees god awful taunting call against Terrelle Pryor. Pryor spun the ball back to the official but it accidentally hit Ravens corner Lardarius Webb in the helmet.


The “This Is Exactly Why We Retired” Award presented by Calvin Johnson and Barry Sanders – Detroit Lions. The Lions were up 15-3 in the fourth and faced first and goal from the one yard line with an opportunity to put the game away. After penalties, it turned into first and goal from the 31, the Lions didn’t score and the Titans rallied with a pair of touchdowns to win.

It's almost as if they're directly celebrating leaving Detroit
It’s almost as if they’re directly celebrating leaving Detroit


Week 3

New England Patriots at Houston Texans

They're all the way down to the guy in the back....and still winning games
They’re all the way down to the guy in the back….and still winning games

SANNIE: Boy, this one is rough, Beyonce’s birthplace or Tom Brady…..I think I will go with the power of the Queen on this one.

TEXANS over Patriots


RENALDO: At some point someone has to tell Sannie that Brady’s not playing. I’m not investing any time in learning about Jacoby Brissett. We get it Bill Belichick, you can win with anyone. What if all these years Belichick has been passively progressive and his team of white skill position players finally has its crown jewel in place, a black quarterback. It confuses everyone. I was unsure about Brisket until I learned that Bill Parcells refers to him as “One Snap.” The name alone leads you to believe Brisket is actually good. There’s a chance the Patriots emerge from this with three legit quarterbacks and we still don’t know if the Texans have one on their roster.

TEXANS over Pats


Baltimore Ravens at Jacksonville Jaguars

RENALDO: It’s as if the Jags were so afraid of people believing in them that they had to correct it immediately and come out of the gates at 0-2. Full disclosure, I was about to make a joke here about the Jaguars pedigree when I realized their recent quarterback history includes Mark Brunell, Byron Leftwich, and David Garrard. I can’t make fun of that when the Dolphins thought Jay Fiedler, Chad Henne and Ray Lucas would work.

JAGS over Ravens

SANNIE: I may not know a lot about football but I know that 2-0 is better than 0-2.

RAVENS over Jags



Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers

Jax Matthews - Linebacker/Lovable Criminal
Jax Matthews – Linebacker/Lovable Criminal

RENALDO: The big question this week that was on everyone’s mind “What’s wrong with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offence.” The simplest answer is that they haven’t played the Lions yet. If there’s anyone that solves that problem…other than Olivia Munn…it’s the Lions defence. Also, get Randall Cobb more involved in the offence strictly for Big Blue Nation purposes.

PACKERS over Lions

SANNIE: I swear every time I see Clay Matthews I think about how much I miss Son’s of Anarchy. Why did it have to end?

PACKERS over Lions



Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers

RENALDO: I said the phrase “Maybe Sam Bradford can actually make all the throws” at least 15 times during last week’s game. Were we all wrong about him? Were all the excuses not really excuses at all, but sound logic and reasoning? So maybe Sam Bradford is good. Will we all completely reverse field like Devin Hester on a punt return if Bradford folds up against the Panthers. Absolutely.

PANTHERS over Vikings

SANNIE: Cam Newton is so easy to love.

CAM NEWTON over Vikings



Arizona Cardinals at Buffalo Bills

RENALDO: How many coaches does Rex Ryan have to mow down before he finally gets to Rob. Has a head coach ever fired his own brother? This is my sole focus on the Bills season right now. My God, imagine the Ryan family gatherings.

CARDS over Bills

SANNIE:The Cardinals beat the Bucs last week and made my brother upset, that in turn made me happy so I choose them.

CARDS over Bills



Washington Racial Slurs at New York Giants


RENALDO: We may never hear “You Like That!?” ever again. At this point, every Racial Slurs fan is wondering whether they thought Kirk Cousins was the answer, or did they just want anyone other than RGIII. Offensive players are starting to complain because of Cousins’ erratic play thus far so he’s not allowed to have another sub par game. Not because of the team’s chemistry issues but because the entire football world will be fixated on this game and another edition of Beckham vs. Norman.

GIANTS over Racial Slurs

SANNIE: Renaldo had an entire rant about the “Washington Racial Slurs” yesterday morning, although I didn’t quite get all of what he was saying, apparently he doesn’t like them, so I don’t like them either.

GIANTS over Racial Slurs





Cleveland Browns at Miami Dolphins

RENALDO: I’m fine not beating a one legged Russell Wilson. I’m even fine being owned Jimmy G and eventually losing to Brikset but under no circumstance do I stay on board with this team if they lose to the Cody Kessler. If the Dolphins can’t beat the Browns third string quarterback, a USC quarterback at that…then what’s the point of this whole thing. By that I don’t mean football, I mean life.

DOLPHINS over Browns

SANNIE: If the Dolphins don’t win this game, it will force me to have a conversation with Renaldo about his loyalty.

DOLPHINS over Browns



Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals

RENALDO: DeMarcus Ware will be sidelined for a month and it remains to be seen how that will effect the Broncos defence. Von Miller is still pretty ridiculous though, so there’s always that. Aside from that pair, the Broncos have surrendered just three passing touchdowns in their last five games while getting five interceptions and 21 sacks. Those five games were against Cam, Big Ben, Brady and Luck.

BENGALS over Broncos

SANNIE: Apparently the Broncos won the last Superbowl. I had no clue. So because I missed that, I have to root for them at least once.

BRONCOS over Bengals

Yea there was a whole parade and was kind of a big deal.
Yea there was a whole parade and everything…it was kind of a big deal.


Oakland Raiders at Tennessee Titans

RENALDO: The Raiders defence has allowed 69 points in two games. At this point it doesn’t matter how well Carr, Cooper and Murray play, the Raiders have to win in spite of their defence. I’m not sure if the Titans can take advantage of this. If it takes a monumental comeback to get by Detroit, that extrapolates to losing by two touchdowns to normal teams.

RAIDERS over Titans

SANNIE: I don’t even think Eddie (the only Raider fan I know) is choosing the Raiders anymore.

TITANS over Raiders


Los Angeles Rams at Tampa Bay Bucs

2016 LA Rams: The Movie
2016 LA Rams: The Movie

RENALDO: Jameis will be fine. He has to curb his high interception total but I’ll take his decision making over the mundane brand of rub routes and screen football that has taken over the NFL. The Bucs biggest worry should be their defence, which has yet to force a turnover. On the other side the Rams have yet to score a touchdown this season. This isn’t what the city of Los Angeles signed up for. People in that city haven’t been this disappointed since Gods of Egypt.

BUCS over Rams

SANNIE: As much as this pains me, I have to go with the Bucs, even though I hope they secretly lose, but the Rams suck and no one on their team is cute.

BUCS over Rams



San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks

RENALDO: If Blaine Gabbert’s backup quarterback was anyone but Colin Kaepernick, his job would be in jeopardy this week. Half of the niners drives have failed to register a single first down. That’s ineptidue of epic proportions. Gabbert’s lucky Kap is a young black guy who thinks it’s not such a good idea for cops to continue shooting black people. With one of those behind him, Gabbert’s job is safe forever. The Seahawks have scored 15 points this season. The season is two games in. I don’t know what else we can say about that.

SEAHAWKS over Niners

SANNIE: Rusell Wilson.

SEAHAWKS over Niners.

We'd love to have first downs and QB that perfectly fits the system...but we have to wrap ourselves in all this racism masked as patriotism
We’d love to have first downs and a QB that perfectly fits the system…but we have to wrap ourselves in all this racism masked as patriotism


Pittsburgh Steelers at Philadelphia Eagles

RENALDO: This is the week where Carson Wentz will look like the rookie he is. He’ll still look better than anyone playing quarterback for the Browns.

STEELERS over Eagles

SANNIE: Let’s see, eenie, meenie, miney, mo.

STEELERS over Eagles



New York Jets at Kansas City Chiefs

RENALDO: Let’s all agree that Ryan Fitzpatrick never shows up again. It’s even less likely with an unhealthy Brandon Marshall listed as a game time decision. Jamal Charles is scheduled to be back this week, which is a bigger deal for my fantasy team than it is for actual football.

CHIEFS over Jets

SANNIE: Still waiting on someone to take me to New York. I mean my birthday is coming up. Maybe if they win, I can get some of that good karma.

JETS over Chiefs


San Diego Chargers at Indianapolis Colts

RENALDO: Everything outside of Philip Dorsett is an issue for the Colts. The front office promised the offensive line was improved – Luck was sacked five times last week. We heard the defence was improved – they’re surrendering 36.5 points per game (yes, I know the Broncos scored two defensive touchdowns but I needed this stat to be as close to 40 points per game as possible). Despite the epic collapse in week one, the Chargers’ offence has been rolling this season. The Colts have one major improvement to make this season, Dante Moncrief is out 4-6 weeks so they have no choice but to get the ball to Dorsett.

COLTS over Chargers

SANNIE: Chargers only because I see the Colts haven’t won anything yet and I can’t take that chance.

CHARGERS over Colts


Chicago Bears at Dallas Cowboys

I can still be your hero
I can still be your hero

RENALDO: Someone keeps thinking it’s a good idea to schedule the Bears to play in primetime. That’s not fair to anyone involved in this process. In “Jealous Ex Watch” – Dak Prescott has played so well so far that Tony Romo is starting to throw during pre game warmups. The massive Ezekiel Elliot bandwagon last a few members after slow start to the year but this game should get us back to max capacity. Also, Brian Hoyer starts for Chicago this week. Ew.

COWBOYS over Bears

SANNIE: Cowboys, because Beyonce.

COWBOYS over Bears