By Drew

 

 

I ga need a lot of y’all to stop liking man.

Oh, theres no pretty intro for y’all.

Too much likin man has been going on and we need to discuss it. How are niggas out here fake tellin? The volume of dudes just out here fake snitching is baffling. Listen, I get it….nothing men love to do more than lie….especially in a barbershop. I used to do it all the time because that’s just niggas.

“I used to play football in college but then a white walker, north of the wall, gave me frostbite in my kidney so I had to stop.” – Niggas

But, fellas…..when did we start lying on pussy?

 

What part of the game is that?

 

And no, y’all don’t overtly lie on it….y’all just sideways imply you hit it forcing this chick to give me ALL the details about how you didn’t and apparently have a foot fetish.

“Who, Freddy? That nigga fucked my feet to completion then fell asleep. I had to call my regular cutter cause wtf bey??!! #YouLied #NiggasWithFootFetishesAreWeird”

Whats a sideways implication? You know how it goes….

“Trust me, I gone by her and lets just say….sex was afoot….if you know what I mean…” #Literally

Not lying on pussy is commandment #1 in the 10 Man Commandments.

Ya just don’t do it no matter WHO you are.

Admit it: You went over, talked half the night, watched a bunch of youtube music videos, had a fake tickle fight, got to her pants only for her to tell you she’s on her period for the next few months. Yes, its frustrating and I know you mad, but those are the breaks. It’s happened to me countless times.

“Am I mad that I just fed you while running my AC for 5 hours, only for you to deceive me into thinking we were gonna fuck when, come to find out, you’re on your mensies?? Course not…..” – Lied, Andrew COUNTLESS TIMES #YouCouldaTextThatAndYouKnowIt

Take your L like a man and keep it moving.

Also, please stop going on dates with gals and only talking about yourself. TOO many women have talked shit about you niggas showin up clean, nice car, nice job, educated…..and the only thing you can talk about is your nice car, nice job and how educated you are. Jesus Christ, ask the gal bout her day at least.

“Ya, so after climbing Mount Likin-Man-jeero, I got my masters in Business Finance Money Stuff. You saw I’m driving a 2019 Audi right? Come let me show you my car so your vagina parts can dry up just a bit more”

A lot of you niggas are doing well and making money and everything these women want on paper, but fuck, y’all can’t hold a convo. This is why niggas is take y’all gals while y’all out likin man, to be honest. Well, not all niggas….Timothy out the game as of Satdee…

I’m assuming she’ll walk him down the aisle seeing as he doesn’t have eyes #CongratsTho #NoButSeriouslyWhoWalkinHimDownTheAisle?

Please, in the name of Jesus, just pretend to be human and be interesting. Get a hobby outside of being in a frat and doing y’all weird stepping shit in the middle of a party with 48 niggas.

 

Its all I ask.

 

Also, stop hating gals, bey.

 

I’ve never seen a group of niggas who want and hate gals equally with so much fervour. Listen, I get it….gals can be annoying and that goes from my mother straight the fuck down.

“Getting real tired of you trying to get me to “find meaning to my life” and “stop drinking alcohol and smoking drugs”, Mom….geez”

But understand that, outside of generally wanting to not be a shitty human…..these are our sisters and mothers and aunts and sweethearts and grandmothers and friends, people. And no, this isn’t some feminist rant….calm down, Frank. But we really hate gals bey. Literally, as I type this, I glanced over to my timeline and saw that, future Overlord of the Bahamas, Joseph Gaskins, had to write an article about some minister that decided he didn’t wanna talk about rape.

“Listen….Ine come here to care about the concerns of women. I’m here to discuss (insert something less important than fucking RAPE here)” #Y’allVoteThemIn

I thought the vote no was bad but niggas legit just hate gals in general. It does nothing to your reputation as a man to just not harass gals as they walk down the street I promise you. It’s literally just changing your approach.

Change this…

“Hey, my size….le me taste that crabby….you wan one conch snack and some long DICK?”

 

…to maybe this…

 

“Good afternoon”

Looka niggas confused.

Rest assured, theres some dude reading this that is confused as hell. Heres the issue, champ: Nasssau small. How many gals do you know that are about to stop to talk to you on the street to see whats on your mind?

The answer is 0, beloved. God, y’all dumb

Chances are the chick you’re trying to holla at is on her way somewhere, doesn’t know you and, in this climate of handsy stupid niggas, is terrified to just be walking the street alone. Why did you think touching her arm and saying “Look here sweety….” was going to not get you punched in the dick or worse….ignored?

And I know how it is, bey…believe me.

There are some gals on this island you only see once and that’s it. I’ve been waiting years to catch gals slipping who I only saw once downtown or to a party and regretted not shooting my shot. But then when I realised what I had at home, I bowed out and took the L because my baby is more perfecter than any woman that has ever existed or will exist.

So apparently Sade is a Capricorn just like me which more or less means she’s my girlfriend forever I guess. #LoveYouBaby #FuckOffJazSheDontLikeLightskinNiggas #HeWhoHasTheLastLaugh

Again, being a man is about rejection on the daily. Take your L like the rest of us or find a non creepy way to say hello without seeming rapey and aggressive.

Also, niggas gotta stop being creepy bey. I’m talking to you niggas that sit at the bar….alone….and then hit on unsuspecting gals or acquaintances hoping that the stars align.

 

Now, hear me out.

 

I have scored a one night stand or two being at the bar alone. HOWEVER….i was just at the bar alone. I didn’t go there with some plan to have sex with chicks.

 

Ok….thats a lie.

 

I always have some plan to lowkey have sex with consenting female strangers…

“Oh, hi…..I’m gonna try and make you laugh to the best of my ability and hope that leads to some very risky, but overall agreeable consensual sex later. #LordHearMyPrayer”

It’s been done.

But never once did I over-pursue. If a chick wanted to talk or ask questions I let her open that door and then put something interesting in there and hope she bites.(Ok…phrasing. But you know what I mean)  But to sit there and just assume some chick WANTS to talk to me is objectively untrue.

Have you seen me?

I look like an unmade bed with a beard and big lips. I scare most children and small woodland animals on the daily.

“Faster, Shadowfax!! Show the behemoth bearded man the meaning of haste!!!”

Know whats the most dangerous thing in women’s lives?

No, not “Love and Hip Hop”, Renaldo,…..its men. Like legit. Men. We kill/rape them more than cancer, diabetes, PMH or even High Blood pressure.

 

Try and understand that, though your intentions may be pure…..y’all creepy as fuck and just need to chill.

 

Also, fellas, could y’all stop lotioning these gals? Yes, I been on my, “women should be protected and loved,” shit for about 1400 words now but it’s time we put the man shit down and get to the nigga shit.

Ladies….Bird Box y’all eyes for about a paragraph or two….you don’t need to see this part.

 

I trust y’all.

SMT…see, same shit. I SAID COVER YOUR EYES, SANDRA!

Imma need y’all niggas to chill out. Y’all fucking up the game for the rest of us.

Just cause she lightskin with “good” hair don’t mean you gotta overspend then leave real niggas having to fix your lotioning ass residuals. Shit, even average gals out here thinking they Kim Kardashian when, in reality,  you met this girl with no job, ambition or box spring but you got her at Graycliff tryna save-a-hoe. My nigga….there are educated, well off, independent, intelligent, good looking, unproblematic, not fake-woke gals out here single, eating sausage and bread sandwiches for lunch because they’re tryna save money to do something amazing like travel or not be broke. Meanwhile, at Sapodilla…

“lol…no. “Calamari” isn’t a city in Italy….its…ya know what…. We’ll have the thigh snack with a Guinness. Just bring the bottle, she won’t need a glass #ShesAJunglessMyNigga”

I’m not saying that ALL women aren’t special and amazing and deserve love and respect and to be treated like queens…I’m just saying not ALL these gals special, amazing and deserve love and respect and to be treated like queens.

 

Make sense?

 

No?

 

Ok….you know how your parents love ALL their kids but deep down you know there’s a favourite that they treat a little more special than the others? It’s like that, only with gals. Love and respect all of them….but if she over 30 and on purpose not working or bettering herself and always asking for lunch, minutes, hair/makeup/club/carnival costume money then, beloved….don’t treat her like a queen. Save that for an actual queen.

 

So if you’re dating a Cardi B then act accordingly…

Wing Snack. 40 ounce of Hennessy. Possibly has a few ounces of marijuana on her person. Only dates niggas with Hondas. Filthiest sex ever #TheyLowkeyFunTho

But if you’re dating an Angela Bassett….

 

Loves a quiet intimate night out. Drinks Stoli and Club soda. Doesn’t read with her index finger. In bed by 9pm. Sex so good she puts you to sleep in 1 round. #queen

Both are great….just don’t get them confused is all I’m saying.

And for all my feminists who read that and think I’m “dividing women” or “forcing women to compete with each other”; Ummmm….y’all celebrated a WHOLE song called “No Scrubs”. Y’all been dividing niggas along boundary lines for decades. The same way y’all don’t wanna date a man “sitting on the passenger side of his best friends ride” is the same way we don’t wanna date some broke chick with a bad wig and or unchristian edges.

I must date a gal like this because of feminism? Lol GTFOH #SheAinSaved #YallLoveToRunOut #StayFakeWoke

Hi, ladies….y’all can read this part now.

In the end, we can be better. There is no finish line with this. Evolution doesn’t just end. We’re a constantly evolving species with constantly evolving morals and ideals. I’m grateful to my friends  for checking me when I’m wrong or offside. (Which I am more often than not)

We tease Dakarai a lot for being the eccentric one of the bunch, but had it not been for him I think I would still be a caveman to be honest. HOWEVER…. he really is be running out with some of our podcast topics.

“Ok, lets podcast on what love would taste like if it was a gyro made by gay Sub Saharan Christians…I have articles” #WhereDoesHeFindTheseArticlesBey???

I’ve said a lot thus far but I’d also really like to address the rampant rape in this country because I think that this too is a huge issue that our leaders should addre-

…oh

Sigh

 

Forward, gentlemen (Best foot first just in case)

 

Be safe tho

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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