By Drew

 

No opening hymn this week, beloveds…..we need to get into it.

Um….who told y’all we wanted to see the tuna and white rice with cilantro sprinkled on top that you decided to make for the dude who cheats on you a lot? Who told you we needed that on our timelines?

Now we have to pretend like this “dinner for bae” bullshit is nice and you’re “taking care of home “. Then have the audacity to give it some Food Network fancy name like we don’t know what the fuck is up.

“Here we have a smoky white rice pilaf with a smothered tuna, mayonnaise and lime reduction….”

Can I ask y’all chef-nigga-ardee food posters something?

How dare y’all, bey?

I just wanted to go on my timeline and be normal. But now I have to screenshot this bullshit and send it to Dakarai and ask him why Shonny felt like a half eaten Caesar salad was necessary for my gatdamn timeline.

Anthony Bourdain didn’t die for y’all to be taking pics of half eaten Caesar salads, Shonny

Also, y’all know not all children are cute right…..yours included? Bahamians have a tendency to think that “mommy Lil prince “ is handsome because she said so.

No, beloved.

If you call his father ogly for years, then he gets you pregnant, what did you really think you would have? A cute kid? A Michael B Jordan ass nigga? How did you think this nigga….

 

and yourself…

 

 

….would conceive this….

Maybe….just maybe…God isn’t good ALL the time. #IJS

There are few times in nature that this occurs and you would have to be Beyonce to pull that off.

No really…

Say it with me, “God is good SOMEtimes”

You know your kid is ugly when no one really says shit but “What a precious gift from Jesus”. If people constantly look at your child and say “God is good” or keep referencing everything about your child except their looks then understand you have a violently unattractive child regardless of the private school you decided to not afford for him or her to attend. And trust, the children will tell them exactly how ogly he/she all due to your boyfriends inability to pull out and your inability to take that plan B like you know you should’ve.

“This says I could save money AND not make this fuckboy a father if I take it within 72hrs.” #TakeThePill

I want better for you I really do.

And, ladies, just because you’re not fat in Nassau does not mean you’re a model. Bahamian women have this mentality that once they’re not morbidly obese that they can do slow motion vids on Instagram of them coming out of their cousin pool in Stapleton that hasn’t been cleaned since Perry fell asleep in that chair.

Y’all laughed at this nigga until Hubert put that good 12% VAT on y’all ass. Sleep on, beloved. Dream a little dream for me.

Pretty girl, you’re not fat but ur also not Kim Kardashian.

And to all you fake fit, “Macfit just open let me post my horribly executed workouts on the gram only to be the same weight in the months to come”, folks….stop.

No no, don’t stop working out. Macfit is hands down the best gym on this island and I encourage everyone to cut weight and get their lives together, myself included. No, I mean stop the hashtags.

#Beastmode?

Is that what you did when you were slow peddling on the exercise bike and watching Say Yes to the Dress, Karen?

#Beastmode?

You just got tired climbing the steps to your own house. Just because you took a walk on Montague for one lap does not a beast mode achieve.

#BeastMode #FitMom #FitLife #Rise&Grind #I’mLegitJustMakingUpHashtagsAtThisPoint #I’mGoingHomeToEatLeftoverBambooButTheGramDontNeedToSeeThat”

Don’t use that Fit life or fit mom life hashtags unless you’re ready to show some results.

Y’all love to involve people in your lives then when u still fat 3 years later after years of posting hashtags, then you wanna get mad and speak to the “haters” with some bible verse you had to google.

“How can I find bible verses for haters that pertains to weight loss and the Keto diet I’m not doing?”

The same goes for y’all relationships.

Please stop posting these pics of gals and niggas y’all aren’t serious about or just fuckin.

Why?

Because now I’m invested.

You involved me.

We were in this together.

You was talking shit and putting things in white Jesus name that u shouldn’t have. Talkin bout, “the devil busy, but God.” No, the devil isn’t the reason you miserable. It’s you.

“My boyfriend Tino just got caught tiefin and they fired him from his job but haters will say he isn’t trying to feed his kids. The devil busy!!!!!”

Is he, Keisha?

IS HE?!?!?

You chose to put your whole life on Facebook and you chose to make us like pics of y’all eating steam fish and potato salad by the fry thinking u was fancy when really that nigga only spent $38 but you tryna make it seem like you balling.

“When Bae got the bag” #Y’allBrokeLikeTheRestOfUs #ThatDoesLookDeliciousTho

And understand, I’m not mad at any date may it be Graycliff or driving around eating KFC and drinking. I can and will do both. But the lifestyle you think you’re showing us ain’t it. Stop fronting and be honest.

Same for y’all gay folks.

 

Beloved……we know.

 

Look at me.

 

We know.

 

It’s only so many pairs of too short short shorts you can wear before we know you like man.

Niggas walkin round like this talkin bout “I love women”. Nigga you ain delivert. #Stahp

Same to my lesbian sisters.

Ya we know your best friend of 2 years that you live with and bring to the function is your girlfriend. Either post a pic of y’all having sex  being together or just stop with the ominous/ambiguous pics of y’all 2 with suspiciously short nails touching each other at dinner with some shady message like “love wins”.

“Oh look, Aunt Vaniesha brought her roommate of 38yrs to dinner. They sure love cats and sweater vests”

I happy you like man and happy you don’t like men, people. I really am.

I’m just tired of the 99.9% surety. I wan know 100%. You can argue it’s not my business and you deserve your privacy and that’s 100% true but…. um, you my friend on Facebook. YOU decided to share your shit publicly, not me.

Look on my Facebook.

All I have on FB and the gram are memes, comic/anime shit and quarterly gym videos to remind gals I’m stronger than their boyfriends….for cultural purposes.

How y’all thug boyfriends look in the gym. #StayWoke #iCanTellByThatWifeBeaterHeHaveDressSocksOnWithHisTennis

I don’t let anyone into my personal shit so people know what to expect from me. If I fuck around and post anything personal then it’s a surprise.

Not y’all.

Y’all wan post about how “someone” hurt you and “someone” did this or that and then be shocked and amazed when everyone wanna be in your business. That’s like me going downtown with a megaphone screaming out how much money I have and where I live and my schedule for the next 3 days then being shocked when people are in my dms questioning me or in my fucking house robbing me.

I literally just invited them into my life/house.

“He just posted that he got in to Miami airport so take your time….see if they have some food we could heat up while we tief”

That’s my fault.

 

Quick Question…

 

Who are these people on HeadKnowles that ask googleable questions? I’m not mad at the, “Does anyone know a really good dentist in the Palmdale area?”, folks….that makes sense. I too would ask that.

I’m talking about those lunatics asking questions they could have figured out on the same computer they were using TO POST THE GODDAMN QUESTION!

“Anyone know what time Kelly’s closes? I’d like to buy some drapes for my wife Karen seeing as we’re going through a dry sexual spell right now. Honestly I think its because I work a lot and….”

Bruh….NoooooooBody asked you all that #1.

 

#2…google it, my nigga.

 

You realize EVERYONE that answers you, save for Kelly’s employees, googled the answer for you right?

 

Smt.

 

And to you creatives, please stop gassing people into thinking you’re living you’re best life on social media. Y’all have these kids out here broke and getting kicked out of their mothers house “following their dreams”.

“Yes but Dj Fake-Jamaican said in 5 years I’ll have the #1 album in the Berry Islands if i keep writing these fire bars, mother! Why won’t you let me be great!!!!”

Y’all realise half these travel/music/entrepreneur/whatever-the-fuck-is-the-wave-right-now bloggers and social media personalities don’t pay rent or have bills right?

Ask half of them where they live and I promise 90% of them live home, with their girl/guy or married to a person with money that affords them the lifestyle to do all this shit.

Then they invite y’all to some event y’all have to pay for, for them to inspire y’all….and y’all broke.

“Welcome to Women, Wings and Worship Wednesdays here at Top Shottas! I hope everyone paid their $50 to hear us discuss everything your mother could have told you….for free!!!”

Keep your 9-5 job and don’t go broke chasing people that only look their best on Instagram but lowkey gotta ask their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or mother for gas money. Don’t sacrifice financial security clout chasing.

#StayEmployedWoke

 

And, bey….how many pictures of gals in the Bahamar Bond bathroom do we need to see before its eradicated from the universe? ALL y’all was in the bathroom Satdee night?

This….this where y’all “LiL princess” private school money is end up. Don’t look away…drink it in”

These be the same gals that post a pic of themselves half naked and put a bible verse under it like Jesus was ok with that particular 2 piece bikini. Understand that you wearing that and posting that pic is your business and you’re 100% entitled to do that. In fact its kinda inspiring.

But, beloved…..Leviticus? You out here using the old Testament to forward this narrative? Just post the pic and talk your shit, love.

“I in Macfit 6 days a week eatin cauliflower rice and diet water and y’all think ine ga stunt on the gram??….y’all ga get this BODY TODAY YOU HEAR ME?!!” – the caption you deserve #TalkYourShitBoo

 

Imagine if niggas did that bible verse/poetry caption nonsense.

 

LOL….J/K….Y’ALL NIGGAS OUT HERE DOING THAT TOO.

 

Niggas out here setting on-purpose-by-accident thirst traps for gals and it’s the same energy.

“Verily I say unto gals, come get this subpar dick when I finish liking man in this mirror….Selah” – Levitanigga 4:2-4(inches)

And please for the love of God stop posting pics of your trip talking bout “TBT” when you went to Miami that one time. That’s what we doin in these streets? Niggas go to Florida and think they seeing the world and all of its splendor.

“At the Olive Garden in Fort Lauderdale #TravelLife #Adventurer #CatchFlightsNotFeelings #GoingToFloridaNext #WhoMadStayMad”

 

Kids, understand that you can post whatever you want, wherever you want, however you want.

That’s your right.

But once I’m your friend and you make this shit public then you’ve now involved me in your weird life. You can’t be out here blogging whole hoe manuals and putting scripture in it and then call people that judge your hoe nonsense as “haters”. You also can’t involve me in your love life and when y’all break up not explain that shit.

You ga have me in your dm’s like..

“Hi, its me, Drew. So what happened to you and Trevor cause I see you took his pics down but last week y’all was at Smugglers holding hands talkin bout#BaeDate. I just need closure with this. Hope you understand.“

And ladies, these filters making y’all look beautiful as fuck and y’all don’t look like that….like….at all.

Ine saying don’t post a filtered pic on your whatsapp status…they cute. Love yaself. I actually like the little dog eared shits. Just post a real pic here and there so niggas know what they walkin into.

Gals post this….

“Oh shit….das a pie aye!!!”

 

Then we walk into Olives and get greeted with this…

Kill it…..kill it with fire!

 

Then y’all  be mad when niggas react like….

“This ain what I sign up for, Miss….not what I sign up for at all!!”

Escapism is one thing but life is too short to be fake on social media, children.

 

Stay Woke and RIP Mac Miller.

 

 

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