By Drew

 

It’s ‘02 in Halifax and I’m in love with Janice. She was kind, sweet, loving, into fitness (much like I was) and just really a great human. In the relationship I was kind, sweet, cheated almost daily, took her out, tried to be loving….all the things a Bahamian man encompasses.

“…did he just say cheat daily like he shouldn’t be cut from dick to taint?”

Firstly, judge ya ma, caucasian stock photo baby.

Secondly, ya….I cheated….a lot. Inevitably she broke up with me because MSN messenger was never anybodys friend from the jump. I was devastated. My boy, Joe, can tell you. I listened to Dwele’s “Subject” album on repeat, punched a hole in our wall and even tried to do the “pop up/please forgive me” maneuver.

Lol….that didn’t go well.

“…oh Hi, Drew….meet the new bigger dicked fella I’m getting over you with….Ryan”

Took my cousin Kenny, a 3piece and a few gallons of Anejo and cokes to get over that one. But it was easy because she was/is Canadian so once I came home I was safe from seeing Ryan and his, I assume, baseball bat dick. Janice is presently the only ex I am still friends with to this day….and thats because she’s not Bahamian. Lord knows if I had to live with the fear of seeing her I would not have made it this far and we could NEVER have been friends. Its within that vein that I try and teach you kids how to deal with the great Bahamian breakup.

Lets be clear, if its been less than a month you’re not broken up.

LoL….oh you thought y’all did break up aye?

Silly rabbit.

Nassau small, beloved. A firm, cemented break up takes about 3-6months on this island. And yes, thats ticking all the boxes: Not talking, not seeing each other, no grinding, no friends “checking in” but low-key seeing if you grinding someone new….

“Andrew wanted to know who the fuck that was you was with by Smugglers if your car got sorted or not? #askingForMyFriend #WhoJuicinYouTho?”

Bahamian breakup phrases range from, but are not limited to, the following:

“Fuck you nigga…we done! Go grind ya next bitch!”

“I think we need some space cause you obviously retarded!”

“I can’t do this anymore….I think we should see other people”

….and the classic….

“Bey…Ine into this no more cause real talk this don’t make no sense.”

When a man or woman says the latter phrase understand they were done with you weeks ago….they just needed an argument to say that shit and finally escape your clutches.

“Nigga you out here having your AC on 17 when you know I like it at 21? Bey Ine into this no more cause real talk this Ain making no sense”

Ya, its that easy.

Bahamians are a hot tempered bunch. We tend to act in the moment with a finality that we are not prepared for, towards a destination that we haven’t been to, away from a person we need but don’t love right now.

Its science. We will stay with a bad thing until it ends violently with makeups and breakups littered on the path to singledom.

Once the words are said and we’re out of each others sight…..there is a difference in the actions of the Bahamian genders….we do not treat the initial salvo the same and I can’t stress enough the differences between us.

Women?

Typically they meant that shit but not really. That was just some energy they needed to get off their chest in the moment unless niggas was out there doing the most at which point…ya, fam….thine ya girl no more.

“10 years of cheating, not working, stealing from her and lying and she dump me cause I flirt with her cousin? Type shit….”

But if this is your 1st to 5th row then you good. She mad but y’all Ain over.

No, beloved….look at me.

Y’all Ain over.

Please don’t go to The Pier thinking you safe and end up with a rum and coke in your face cause you thought just because she said “its over” that it was over. Naw, son. You gotta let that rice settle before you eat it.

Men?

We’re different. Men “break up” for 1 of 3 reasons:

1) We lowkey wanna juice one gal right quick but need to get out from under you for 72hrs or so to accomplish this cause you always around with all that stupid love and affection.

Looka this nigga girlfriend cockblockin…smt

2) We genuinely need space because you’re annoying and we don’t wanna be with anyone else but we just wanna be able to play madden and not hear about the bitch in marketing who “tried it”.

Or 3) We just straight up tired of you and hate you…..like real genuine hate.

Oh ya, we is hate y’all IN the relationship, beloved. Like legit. I’ve been in relationships where I would think of ways to start arguments JUST to get a night away from them.

“I tief my own money and blame her just to get out the house….this is my life now”

Now you’re single(ish).

If you’re like me, male or female, then you have single friends at the ready for times like this. I won’t call names but once that thundercat sign goes in the sky then your friends know you’re single and they rally…..my god do they rally.

Actual footage of me summoning niggas to meet me at the bar to celebrate my freedom

Life is great.

You’re out, you have no real reason to go home, you’re having the time of your life…..and then in walks your “ex”.

This is where niggas fuck up. Ladies and gentleman I can’t say it enough; To pull off a successful breakup you can not, I repeat CAN NOT, go to the same places you and your girl used to go to. You lost that shit in the divorce, beloved.

Ya I know you weren’t married, but in Nassau its just like you were and you almost need lawyers to set the lay of the land so shit remains permanent albeit amicable.

“Ok so he gets Green Parrot PI, Tailgaters and Village Pub and you get Green Parrot Nassau Side, Harbor Front and any new eatery that opens out east….correct? #ItsFunnyCauseItsTrue”

You legit have to cut the island up to avoid them and, as I like to say, go “ghost”. Fall off the face of the earth. If y’all used to hang out at Olives then you better carry your ass to Sharkeez. If y’all ate at Seafront Sushi then you’re an Ichiban person now. If y’all used to do soca parties then….ya, y’all shoulda breakup from time cause I really don’t get the fascination with soca bey for real.

$1500 for a costume, $200 on liquor, $100 for concerts, dancing to what seems to be the exact same song for 19hours?…..$1800 #PricelessMyAss #BigManDontSoca #OkiLowkeyLoveRollItGalButY’allRunninOutOtherwise

In essence you have to cut your outings in half and just settle if you truly want to avoid your ex. And, by and by, please don’t do any drive-by “lets see who park by their house” moves. You are only gonna have your heart broken. That could be my mother parked at my apartment and gals be like…

“He had the nerve to have some old bitch who look just like him limping to his door….heen ever been shit!”

Now its been 2 weeks of no communication, careful avoidance and outings with friends and loved ones that you turned your back on because you were so consumed with your now ex. Life is great!

lol….no it aint, stop lying.

You so lonely!

Oh it never hits you on Friday, thats happy hour. Satdee? Naw, you busy catching up on shows, Netflixing, getting your day drinking on, etc.

Oh but that Sunday.

Its quiet, that bed is a bit colder than usual. No birds chirping, work in the morning , all them single friends are booed up with their fuckbuddys….and you home, alone, with no food and Wendys/Imperial containers littered near your bed from shame eating. Now….you miss your ex.

Beloved, put the phone down and breathe……your mind is now the devils playground and only Jesus can save you from this lonely mess you’re in.

“MEEEEEEEEEE? I ain tell you leave that good man listening to these gals. #Stay(Godly)Woke “

You’re now at the crossroads. Do you send that ominous, self serving text of, “Hey, sup?”.

Do you try and reach out on some dumb shit? “Hey, I left a left sock there….do you see it?”. Or do you just be honest with yourself and realize this loneliness is just a temporary phase that will pass if you just –

Goddamnit woman let me finish my thought….smt #Gals

So, its been 3 months. No contact, no texts. Your shit is moved out and you’re back at your mothers house/new apartment where you belong. Shit, you even have prospects….real prospects….and you’re ready to love again and, if it is white Jesus’s will, ready for true happiness when, like clockwork……

“Hey, bighead….you up?”

Sigh.

Now you done forget ALLLLLL the shit they did before. You remember all the good times, forget about the time he slept with your cousin in your bed while you were at work trying to pay for his Jordans.

Niggas forget that she was a scorpion woman with no soul that drained everything good and positive from your life.

That one text is a destroyer of worlds. And it almost always comes just when you’ve met someone new. Its almost like Bahaians have a 6th sense when their ex is somewhere finding happiness without them and need to break it up because how dare they!

“I better text Tamara before she fuck around and find her soulmate!”

This is the point where you’re either gonna go full breakup or you’re gonna submit and let one grind set you back another 6 months in emotional hell……or heaven.

Understand that that one text can fix everything…… meaning that person has genuinely changed or…..you end up back in a shituationship and wanna kill yourself days later.

The choice is yours.

Ever heard of the Sword Of Damocles? Story goes that in order to teach a lesson to another nigga, a king tied a large sharp sword above his thrown and the only thing stopping it from crashing down and beheading a nigga was a gotdamn horse hair. He then ordered the guy to sit there and make decisions all day as a king would.

That’s what its like having an undefined “ex” in Nassau. You go out and try and live your life as best you can without bullshit and your past creeping up on you. But above your head, in the back of your mind is always that fear of seeing them out or running into them in the footsore when you’re on your period, buying tampons, with no edges and a shitty closure.

This is sally. She looks horrible. Don’t get caught slipping like Sally

 If you’re gonna leave, leave and mean it. Because, if not?

Object above your head is closer than it appears

Be safe tho

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