I stepped outside this morning and I felt it.
It was subtle, almost like a shy whisper from mother earth herself trying to tell me that it was time. I looked up and saw that the trees were blowing, dogs were curled up a little tighter and a grown man walked past me in a 372lb bubble jacket and wool head condom on.
Winter is coming.
That’s right people. Not only have we survived this snowballing clusterfuck of a year but now we approach my favorite time of a year, the all-important cuffing season.
You’re still single. That ex you left (again) is still a horribly shitty person, you are about to graduate from one-leg-out-the-sheet-fan-on-level 3 weather to you-ain’t-shit-cause-you-cold-and alone for Christmas weather…. and now it’s time for the hunt to begin.
For the layman, cuffing season is when, due to the drop in temperature and increase in peoples “giving” spirit, you shack up with one another for a time period to selfishly not be cold, sober, unjuiced or alone during the winter time. The term “cuffing” is from the word handcuff which implies that you can’t get away which is a pretty strong argument for a nigga like me cause I’m easy to cage.
Bahamian folklore would have you believe that cuffing season is primarily, like all other holidays, a female centric season. They’ll tell you that that’s the time when women seek out men with paychecks so they can get their X-mas hair and nails paid for and have a date at family lunch to distract from their internal sadness.
Nope, men cuff women for the same reason women cuff men: No one can masturbate that much!
Sometimes I romanticize the idea of a family. I wake up, scotch in hand on Xmas morning, looking outside at families having the time of their lives and celebrating themselves and the birth of white Jesus apparently. The idea of scurrying off to the “aunt with the big house” for Xmas Lunch.
I think about that shit all the time.
What it would be like to not have to cuff some chick I kinda like but only tolerating until Feb. I want the kids with the picket fence and nice house…..Then I see the faces of those same people in January that can’t afford school fees because they decided their D student kid needed A-1 Jordan’s and realize I’m ok.
So we cuff.
Now a standard cuffing negotiation rarely starts off with a formal discussion. There are no terms of agreement you have to click yes to. Nope, it’s more subtle than that. It starts off the same way every bad decision you’ve ever made usually does.
If you’re lucky you can find someone who just can’t get it right all year every year that is tolerable, ok/good in the sack, and won’t judge you for being the pineapple ham stained mess you will eventually become within that month.
It’s not a joke.
I can’t prove it but it’s something about fatty ass Bahamian food, cold fronts and knowing you have time off during winter that makes you fall in love THAT much quicker.
Don’t fall for that shit.
If they were annoying during the summer then trust they’ll be annoying in the spring. There’s a reason we call it a season people. Here’s a trick I learned: The lower the number on your ductless unit falls the quicker you need to get them out of your space.
Now, as I said, cuffing season is not just centered on women using men to get gifts, it’s also men seeking companionship. But like most things in life there are gender specific problems we need to troubleshoot.
Ladies, please understand that because we can spend a few weeks with you does not mean we like you…..at all.
I know what I said when I was drunk and full of turkey. Yes I know what I promised at your work party when I was super affectionate, claiming you as mine, drunk and…..well……full of turkey. And yes I know you met my family that one time and everyone was nice to you and knew your name (even though I never directly introduced you to my parents, cause um no).
All of that was a lie.
You think I didn’t send the family group a heads up?
I’m so sorry.
Winter puts even the strongest of us into our feelings and we just needed to say that shit that we should have said to our ex’s before they left but you’re here so I’ll project my emotional mess on to you.
You’re the best.
Yes, I know you’re mad but hey…..you have a whole year to get over that cause this time next year when that ice around your heart melts…
And fellas, please stop getting swing by these gals who….well they do the same thing niggas do: swell your ego and convince you “things will change” just long enough for her to get that Michael Kors purse, Armani weave and “jeans pants for her lil man”.
Bro, that’s not your girl, that’s not your child, and that’s money you don’t have.
Men are forever trying to handcuff chicks that don’t belong to them. She has a living breathing boyfriend and because she chilled with you for a couple nights you think that warrants spending all that cash that she obviously isn’t going to spend on you? And y’all chicks miss me with the “giving for giving sake” argument. Women love to use that as an excuse as to why these dudes out here robbing and shooting people like mad during the winter just so you could look right for Instagram.
Also, condoms guys. Condoms and birth control. I really could care less about you getting an STD I just don’t need any more traffic because you slipped up and gotta drop your bastard to school at 7am. Stop having these summer babies cause you wanted to go raw during the 3rd round and you figured your pull out game was strong. Everyone’s pull out game is strong until you’re sitting at working googling just how many kids there are in your pre-ejaculate.
For the larger men like myself, this is our time.
The time where it pays to be over 300lbs. When ALL those chicks that wouldn’t F with you in the summer come looking for that teddy bear to cuddle up with.
You don’t need the speech, my friends.
We are the real MVP’s because #CuffingSeason and “#BearSeason walk hand in hand. What’s bear season you ask? It’s when all the big dudes come out more than they usually do because….let’s be honest, we’re a sweaty bunch. I require AC wherever I go in this world and that’s just something I have to deal with in my life.
But not during winter.
Big niggas flex hard on small dudes when that cold front comes in.
It’s our time now. They are all witnesses.
All in all there’s no shame in cuffing season. I wear my years in the service with pride. Not everyone has a family and not everyone needs one. There are a lot of us that haven’t quite figured shit out yet or have bigger ambitions and aspirations that require our attention and by the end of the year we just need a good cuddle, some good food and some good company with no strings attached. It’s the perfect transition into the new year because of all the hope associated with a new “relationship”. The idea that it’s not so bad and maybe, just maybe, we can get it right this year. So if you’re single and alone this Xmas then get yourself a winter buddy and cuff em up.
Winter is coming.
Stay (cuffingly) Woke