By Drew

So its ‘09, I just got back home and I’m in love with Venny. The Drop leaf riddim is on its last leg, Dakarai is home and Drake has just dropped “So Far Gone”. An album that would literally define my summer that year.

I think he's still looking for that Blackberry with the side scroll

I think he’s still looking for that Blackberry with the side scroll

I think that was the last time I heard the words “I’m a good woman” and believed it. There seems to be a running theme on this island that the archaic term “good girl” still holds water.

Ladies, y’all bad…..like really bad.

I used the term archaic because all of the 1st world countries evolved beyond this thinking years ago but for some reason, may it be because of religion or just plain old conservatism, Bahamian women feel the need to latch on to being a good girl as if anyone gives a shit. People, there are no good Bahamian women anymore….and that’s perfectly ok.

Now before y’all “get in formation” and jump down my throat, let me explain. Notice in the above intro I made reference to 2 terms: Good girl and good woman. Usually when a Bahamian female says “good girl” that means she’s pretending to not give you any happy time because she thinks that’s what she’s supposed to not do.

“Steve Harvey said I musn’t give you any because, despite those 87 niggas I slept with before you, NOW is a good time to make a nigga wait. We can cuddle though!”

“Steve Harvey said I musn’t give you any because, despite those 87 niggas I slept with before you, NOW is a good time to make a nigga wait. We can cuddle though!”

Then there’s the term “good woman”. These are the women that cook, clean, work and take care of the kids and we know this because she normally has a Facebook/Instagram status where she shows how she…well….cooks, cleans, works and takes care of the kids. These are normally the chicks on Facebook who claim they didn’t mean to take a selfie but they look flawless by “accident”.

“OMG my baby was playing with my phone and caught me looking perfect by accident lol #iLookGoodThough “BillsPaidEdgesRight #StillSingleButWhoNeedsAMan #iNeedAMan"

“OMG my baby was playing with my phone and caught me looking perfect by accident lol #iLookGoodThough “BillsPaidEdgesRight #StillSingleButWhoNeedsAMan #iNeedAMan”

Lets start with you, good girls.

Hi.

Come closer to the screen……come so no one can see this fiery truth I’m about to tell you.

Ready?

I know you’re a hoe.

Damn it woman stop making that face! Just act normal for Pete’s sake!

 You seem upset that I called you a hoe and now you’re breaking your fingers in the comment section. Its ok, Babygirl. Guess what…..we’re ALL hoes.

“He’s a hoe and she’s a hoe and he’s a hoe and she’s a hoe”

Do you have any idea how hard it is to NOT be a hoe on an island this small?  Check your Facebook. Chances are me or someone from 10th Yr Seniors has had sex with some female on your list, I promise you. Even the false god Ricardo Wells, who we’ve all agreed is the best of us and more or less 10th Year Jesus has probably nailed one of your friends.

Benevolent slut

Benevolent slut

For some reason y’all are still stuck in 1995 when if a woman had sex with more than 2 1/2 dudes she was more or less a prostitute. It was to the point where in high school if a female gave a dude a hand job anywhere else but the house of God she was scarlet lettered for the rest of her life.

True story, I know a female who we thought was slutty for years. All because one time we think we heard she gave a hand job to a guy at a party once.

That’s it.

That’s literally all we knew her for.

Me and my old classmate were talking last year and tried to think of what the hell else she did to make us think she was a hoe and all we had was the one time that we still aren’t sure even happened because niggas.

“No bey I mean she touched it and then I put my hands on hers and rubbed it so technically it was a handjob but I didn’t finish. I mean I finished after she ran away crying so technically…..”

“No bey I mean she touched it and then I put my hands on hers and rubbed it so technically it was a hand job but I didn’t finish. I mean I finished after she ran away crying so technically…..”

That was in ’95 when weave was known as OPH and the phrase “I wanna sex you up”was the filthiest thing you could say to a female. You’re trying to tell me y’all “good girls”, in 2016, didn’t bed Kenvado, the IT guy at the Christmas party last year, because your best friend just got engaged and “life isn’t fair”? Better yet you’re trying to say that was a “one time thing”?

Stop…lets clear something else up quick.

Ladies, stop saying “I NEVER do this” after screwing me to within an inch of my life. No one is that good at sex that quickly and that soon and they “Never do this”.

“OMG what are we doing I never do this?!!....No but there are condoms in the second drawer to the left, Gatorade and snacks under the bed and an extra XL shirt in the closet if you need it….”

“OMG what are we doing I never do this?!!….No but there are condoms in the second drawer to the left, Gatorade and snacks under the bed and an extra XL shirt in the closet if you need it….”

This isn’t me downing you, I’m trying to say its ok.

Its perfectly fine.

There’s no shame in having a past or a present. No real dude is going to look at your past and judge you.

We get it.

When you were off in college you felt safe beyond the eyes of your parents and nosey ass Bahamians and you went nuts. Good for you, and thank you for putting in that work.

“I’m really glad that Football player you slept with in 2012 showed you that move you do with your tongue. We should send that guy a gift basket cause he’s A-1 in my book!”

“I’m really glad that Football player you slept with in 2012 showed you that move you do with your tongue. We should send that guy a gift basket cause he’s A-1 in my book!”

Ignore Drake. By conservative Bahamian standards you’re NOT a good girl…. and you know it.

As for you “good women” I have a question: Why do y’all want acknowledgement for doing your jobs?

Y’all for real want props for taking care of your kids, working and paying your own bills? What did you think was going to happen exactly? How did you think this movie ended?  That’s like me going on Facebook and bragging about normal shit that I do daily.

“I work, pay for my own food, pay my own rent and when I go to the gym I lift my own weights! #GoodMan”

“I work, pay for my own food, pay my own rent and when I go to the gym I lift my own weights! #GoodMan”

Welcome to adulthood, Cinderalla’laKeisha.

Sorry that millionaire hasn’t seen how good you look today but yes, like millions of women all over the world you have to get your ass up, do a job you hate, pay for food you don’t want to eat and take care of your ungrateful kids. Life didn’t give you a bad hand, that’s your goddamn job.

Renaldo has 2 kids whose lives he’s very active in and he’s an amazing father. I’ve never heard him once brag about how he takes care of his kids and all that he does for them. So why y’all bragging?

You’re not a good woman because you do more than women you deem to be lesser than.

You’re just a functioning member of society. Yes you could have been like “these other bitches on this road” ….ok….and? Do your job and keep it moving. Your accomplishments and effort will speak for themselves.

Mary's daughter is well mannered and polite as fuck. Mary always looks good and Mary's edges are forever volcanic. Mary never puts that shit on Facebook because she's busy being awesome. Be like Mary

Mary’s daughter is well mannered and polite as fuck. Mary always looks good and Mary’s edges are forever volcanic. Mary never puts that shit on Facebook because she’s busy being awesome. Be like Mary

If you ask my mother a “good woman” doesn’t swear, doesn’t have tattoos, and certainly doesn’t dress provocatively. I love my mother but my last 3 ex’s looked like this…

Woman, behold your son (and his choices in life)

Woman, behold your son (and his choices in life)

All the females I roll with are foul mouthed, tatted, shot taking, happy houring, burger eating slices of heaven and I love it.

Who the hell wants be around Susie Salad eater? When did that get fun?

My friend Nicky can take down as much scotch as I can. Elaine can hang with any nigga alive and knows more about comics than 95% of this island. Noelle is realer than most dudes I know and my battlecat….well…I mean look at her

#soon

#soon

There is no room for a boring chick and I think women are tired of curtsying.

That constant dance of being a lady then having to deal with life. Life doesn’t allow us to be pleasant these days. There’s no time for it. Absolutely women should know when to be ladies the same way men should know when to be gentleman.

There’s a time and place.

But I know very few females that are out here looking like queen Elizabeth….and not even she, I imagine, is “good”

“Pardon me but would you happen to have any tequila? I’m about to loosen this bra and become myself in this bitch!”

“Pardon me but would you happen to have any tequila? I’m about to loosen this bra and become myself in this bitch!”

Very few of you represent those old ideals of servitude and “knowing your place”. You’re out here killing it and being bad as shit and I’m happy as hell about it all.

Why?

Because NOW we’re closer to understanding each other. Even Mary Poppins got sick of the bullshit status quo and dipped out.

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And for all you ladies that still want to hold the mantle for God fearing prudish females, lets get 2 things straight.

1) Half of y’all aren’t as God fearing as you think but we’re not here to call names….just know we know who’s bed you crawled out of before you caught the holy ghost at 11 am service.

Yes, Edna! Shake that vodka and morning sex off

2) Good for you.  Women like you stay to yourselves and realize you’re not safe in this zoo because 95% of niggas are like me….and if you come away from your Netflix and no sex then chances are you would get your feelings hurt.

“I could go out and have a good time but….but niggas. Sigh”

“I could go out and have a good time but….but niggas. Sigh”

Jokes aside I wish you well because you’re in the minority. There’s nothing wrong with that….its just you’re gonnna be single for a minute cause those same girls who you call slutty and horrible in high school/college are happily married or in a relationship with the nigga you could have been with.

The girls you judge at work for always being out are putting themselves out there and choosing while you’re home….again…..unmarried and judgey.

“Yes girl I just got married to the man of my dreams. You still not giving head and waiting for Jesus to send a man? Good for you!”

“Yes girl I just got married to the man of my dreams. You still not giving head and waiting for Jesus to send a man? Good for you!”

In 2011 DC comics launched “The New 52”. It was a new look at all of their superheroes. The most notable change was that Superman was no longer in love/dating Lois Lane. He became romantically involved with Wonder Woman. Charles Soule, one of the minds behind the change, said they departed from the Lois Lane romance because it didn’t make sense.

Why would the most powerful man in the universe be with a garden variety female?

He needed an equal.

He needed someone that understood him, that understood what and who he was. The only female in that entire universe was Wonder Woman…the strongest woman alive.

They in the air flying and kissing and she still have him tied up so he doesn’t leave. Wonder Woman mussy Bahamian

They in the air flying and kissing and she still have him tied up so he doesn’t leave. Wonder Woman mussy Bahamian

They recognized the fact that it’s a new world, women no longer need to be constantly saved. Women don’t need us so much as they just want us around. Long gone are the days of the damsel in distress and men tolerating the stupid chick.

Oh we’ll have sex with them…oh yes we will. We just not wifin them the way we used to

Oh we’ll have sex with them…oh yes we will. We just not wifin them the way we used to

Its equal footing now which skews the figures.

You curse a lot? Good, it means you’ve been through a crucible.

You have resting bitch face? Cool, that means there’s layers to you and more to you that meets the eye. A welcome challenge.

You don’t play games? Excellent, I have a PS3 and John Madden for that.

You can cook but only when you want cause you been to work just like me and you’re tired? Pick up some wine, I’ll get the pizza and lets bitch about that chick in accounting with the bad shape.

You’ve been around and got sexual numbers as high as mine? Yay! That means you wont be boring when we make the sex.

The tables have turned and Lois Lane is dead. I’m proud to say Nassau has very little to no good women/girls left and thank God for that.  Superman doesn’t need a clean mouthed, docile, boring, good girl/woman by his side. We need Khalessi with a dragon looking down at the peasants. We need Michelle Obama in the 1st quarter tying her hair up and telling a young, broke Barack “I got this boo”. The world does not need another damsel in distress….the world needs this female savage…

Wifey!!!!

Wifey!!!

Bad is the new good…..and I’m here for it.

Stay(Amazonian)Woke

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