This is only our second carnival and let’s be honest we’re still in the novice stage of our overall carnival development (Y’all know we’re s***** at some of this don’t front). Yeah, a few of us may have traveled to other countries and enjoyed their carnival, but it’s an entirely different animal when it’s on your turf – You’re not on vacation; this ain’t Trinidad you still have to show up to work, run errands, deal with family, maintain a personal life and somehow entertain your friends from out of town.
No matter what you as a Bahamian may think of ‘Junkanoo Carnival’ it’s a representation of our country in the Caribbean and it effects our reputation regionally and internationally. So I beg of y’all…please….don’t be out there having us look like lames in front of company. It doesn’t matter how our Carnival was developed, who got picked to sing, how many Bahamian “bands” are allowed to play or whether or not Wyclef will be posing next to a motorcycle. If you’re a true patriot you should want this to succeed, because regardless of your allegiances we need this to work. Mostly because we paid a grip for this.
So that being said, Andrew (A) and Dakarai (D) are back at it again with a few #ProTips for our loyal readers.
You Need To Be Able To Rally
D – Your ability to survive a carnival weekend in any country is almost entirely dependent on your ability to rally after a night of partying. What is Rallying you ask? Essentially it’s your body bouncing back after a hangover, catching a second wind, realizing you’re not a little bitch, and pouring yourself another rum and coke. I’ve rallied after J’ouverts, after I’ve been lost with no means of communication and when I’ve had near death experiences, and still been able to show up to the next fete because….It was my duty(Game of Thrones voice).
A- I’m a professional drinker so if there’s one thing I know its how to maintain alcoholic stamina. Get some Chelsea’s Choice water in you every three drinks people. No, not Aquapure. I have it on good authority that that will give you the runs and that shit (pun intended) is not cute when you’re doing whatever it is you people do during soca music dancing. Only Chelsea’s Choice preemptively cures hangovers and stops you from getting the wrong chick preggo. The life you save may be your own, kiddos.
#ProTip: Tylenol PM is your friend. Milk Thistle is your friend. Hyrdrating at the end of the night is your friend, but most importantly a combo snack from Imperial at 4:30 am is your friend. You can workout next week fam.
All J’ouverts are not all created equal
D – Firstly, I don’t know if my people know how to J’ouvert properly. Throwing a J’ouvert before you’re ready can lead to things like, PROMOTERS CHARGING PEOPLE FOR PAINT, which is probably the most offensive thing carnival veterans have ever read. Where they do that at? There was a time in Nassau where you’d see the pictures trickle out from a J’ouvert and just say ‘nah’. Now though we’re a little more experienced and we can successfully pull them off…we’re almost all growns up.
A – I have no idea what Jouvert is beyond Nal going to it fully clothed and returning with paint all over him. Wait….Nal and Sannie did a photo shoot for their wedding and the exact same thing happened. Are weddings Jouvert? Is someone getting married? Carnival stuff is confusing.
#ProTip: Phones in sandwich bags, heads wrapped for people with hair and/weave, are there beard wraps?
Learn to love Soca
D – Who doesn’t like to drink, fete and have fun all day? Soca is just more than music, as it is a culture that is associated with it giving you an opportunity to let loose and express yourself in a way you have never done before. As great artists once said ” SOCA DOES GIVE ME POWERS” and “Where all them woman does come from daddy” Some of the most lyrically accurate statements of all time.
#ProTip: Download all the Private Ryan mixes you can. Time is running out and you need to know the chunes for 2016.
It’s just a wine
A- Big mans like me don’t wine fam. However, if perchance I am wined upon I take it for what it is: Some female has decided I’m safe upon to girate on but not necessarily to sleep with. I was just in the group of guys that her friends decided to fuck with and my front area was the closest available for her buttocks to grind on. No better, no worse. No need to be lightskin about a wine, niggas. Stop handcuffing these girls for …Jouverting? (Again, I’m assuming its some painted wedding ritual.)
D – We live in a day and age where we put all our business on Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook, so what is wrong with teefing/giving a wine, absolutely nothing. Remember, no bumper is safe. Accept it and embrace it.
#ProTip: Don’t be lightskin about a whine.
Carnival Culture Village bring a flask
D- The culture village is a cool experience but I can’t stress this enough. Take a roadie, a go-to drink, or an over-sized flask. Yeah, there are drinks out there and this may be a legally dubious suggestion, but this is The Bahamas you’ll be fine. Drink in public..for free. Why in the world are you going somewhere in the middle of the day without copious amounts of ice and alcohol in your car. I’m sorry, are you made of money? You should be properly lit by the time the road march ends and more turnt than everyone that actually participated.
#ProTip: You don’t need chasers you’re an adult. Juice and sodas are for children. Be a grown up, it’s the weekend.
Suits was created by Carnival Jesus
D – Look man, I don’t even wanna talk about this too much, but sadly for me the word’s already gotten out. There’s a bigger boat this time, a floating J’ouvert, maybe custom tumblers, hats, give always, champagne, photo-ops, the list goes on smh. And the most important detail about this for anyone who’s been turned off by partying in Nassau this all takes place at sea, so technically, I mean….. Are we really in Nassau? Non-researched and obviously incorrect answer is no! The Nassau partying rules and usual stushness do not apply.
A – Know how I know Suits will be fun? Its the only part of this weekend that John has invited me to. He knows I don’t do sun and or people and this includes both which tells me its probably worth my time. Also, word on the street is there’s lots of like minded women….women with vaginas. This isn’t rocket science, people.
#ProTip: This is a cooler fete. You’re going to overestimate the amount of alcohol you’re going to drink. That’s fine but here’s the thing, you’re also going to underestimate how friendly people are. You’re making best friend for life and they’re going to try to give you all of their alcohol…all of it. In fact I think when “vibes” was being defined they legit meant when people would pout you full cups of tequila and just assume you’d drink it.
Last #ProTip y’all have to stop saying you’re going out to watch carnival, sigh just stop it, that’s not how this works. Either pay and go on the Road or head to the cultural village take in the sites music and alcohol and enjoy yourself, this isn’t rocket science, in fact it’s pretty easy Bahamas. All we have to do for the next 96 hours…is…wait for it…have fun and don’t pull no scene. I’m sure you guys can do this. You can do this right?