Ladies, I’m sorry, I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I’ve been really coming down on you  and I can feel the tension in the air. (By tension I mean I’m scared to see any of you in the streets seeing as I was talking about most of you so maybe not tension. Lets call it fear…there’s fear in the air.)So I’m gonna help a few of you out because I see some of you have chosen the absolute wrong guys to date and I don’t want to see any of you getting your heart (jaw) broken by the wrong man.

How Jody isn't president right now is beyond us

How Jody isn’t president right now is beyond us

All men have their issues and there are several things that pretty much 90% of men do. We’re all lazy; we don’t care much for your brother/sister/friends/dog(s) and what of it? But there are always exceptions to the rule that makes normal look like a walk in the park.

Here are the 5 guys you’re dating that you need to dump A.S.A.P.

The Bad Boy

Ahh the classics,women fall for them then get confused as to why it never works out. Yes I know he has family issues and had a hard life that no one but you seems to understand. He’s struggled trying to hold down a job, he was caught stealing, smoking weed, not showing up to work, and with another woman.

But it all can be fixed with your love and your love specifically.

Your first inclination that he wasn’t the one should have been the face tattoos and whatever “rebellious” hair du jour he’s rocking at age 35.

Look at your future......LOOK AT IT!

Look at your future……LOOK AT IT!

I get it, women are nurturers and any woman over a certain age without kids thinks she is doing God’s work by helping this poor chap. Let me clue you in on something, you’re not doing God’s work because clearly God has forgotten this fellow. If you know you’re a good woman and you’re working, taking care of you AND him and he hasn’t been making any headway for more than a year, then please stop lending him $50 for liquor, weed and gas (condoms). He’s not home late because he was out looking for a job, he’s out late because he was giving the change from the $50 to his equally as decrepit side chick so she can buy minutes.

Mr. Friendzone

You just finished dating the bad boy and now you’ve decided you’re going to date his opposite. Oh there won’t be any of that “finding yourself” for you…that’s for people who don’t want babies. You need a guy and you need one now. Enter Captain Shirt-in-his-pants. He’s the guy who probably broke you and the bad boy up actually. He hung around for those 7 years and always offered you good advice and told you how wrong your boyfriend was for you and what he would do different. He never asked you out or to leave your boyfriend outright, he just passive aggressively hinted at it. “I wish things were different because if that were me I’d treat you like the perfect beautiful queen that you are but I guess you’ve made your choice. My door is always open”.

More like his zipper is.

That guy is a dick (he’s probably into soccer) and I need all women to understand why: Any man that sabotages another mans relationship regardless of the situation is not a man and he violates every rule of guy code.

Hi, my small genitalss and low to average sex skills will marginally satisfy you for a relative amount of time.

Hi, my small genitals and low to average sex skills will marginally satisfy you for a relative amount of time.

Is it OK to wait out a relationship that you know will fail? Absolutely.

Is it OK to be a catalyst to the failure of said relationship? No, no its not.

In the end you’ll find yourself realizing 3 months in what a manipulative sleazebag this guy is and guess where you’re gonna end up? Back with the bad boy because it’s better the devil you know.

Mr. Ex-boyfriend

We all have a tendency to overstay our welcome and when we do, relationships end badly. I’ve seen it time and time again: you come out of a long relationship and then instead of giving yourself time to really get over your partner you go directly into the arms of some weird shaped idiot who “was there when you needed someone”. That’s all well and good, everyone needs a skeleton in their closet to remind you to stay humble and drink less. But the second this situation goes to shit your ex starts looking like Jesus walking on water. For some reason guys know exactly when to send that text. You know the text I’m talking about. The most powerful and most lethal text known to man:

“Hey you”.  (interchangeable with “hey bad ways” for our Bahamian readers).

Behold.....the destroyer of worlds

Behold…..the destroyer of worlds

Oh he’ll change just enough to get in your pants again but usually it’s a slippery slope to disaster. Mind you, there are some ex relationships that stand the test of time. They make up to break up then make up again cause both are either too stupid or too stubborn to just submit. Surrender is hard but it’s doable. If the next guy just happened to be a bigger piece of shit than the turd you initially left then you’re not moving forward with an old flame, you’re moving backwards into hell.

Mr. Conceited

Mr. Conceited is usually rich/broke, really good looking/ugly, chiselled/fat, metro sexual/blue collar or just average as fuck and refuses to accept it.

See what I did there?

Now what do those extremes harbour? Insecurity. Behind every guy who thinks his shit doesn’t stink is a father that told him for years that his shit stunk too much. Understand you’re not just fighting him you’re fighting against years and years of damage that he now projects into a false persona. He’s a Ken doll: dickless and emasculated but on the outside acts like he’s got it all together or makes you feel like you don’t.

He has that "daddy issues" squint in his eyes

He has that “daddy issues” squint in his eyes

When you go out he has to be the centre of attention and leaves you behind in the rain. Funny how with all this he never leaves you. He doesn’t not leave because he loves you, he stays because you’re the only one who’ll sit down and take it because deep down he knows you’re as broken as him only you both chose different paths to obtain the love and attention you both so desire. You want him to love you, he needs the world to love him. You won’t win.

Mr. Gay Guy

Well, this is gonna hit some nerves. Does your boyfriend love long talks and no sex? Are his eyebrows on fleek? Are they more on fleek than yours?

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I’m sorry to tell you this but you are dating a homosexual. Before everyone has a coronary please understand that I have nothing against gay men, in fact I support everything they do and I want to take this time to thank them for spending time with my girl when I didn’t want to and also for not liking girls which leaves more for the rest of us. We here at 10th yr support their rights to be themselves and get married so they can be as miserable as all the other married folks.

However there are a lot of women who date visibly gay men but chalk it up to, “He’s just different from other guys and this is a small island so there are a lot of ignorant people who don’t understand him”. Yeah, no. Most of my boys dress differently than most guys on this island, being fashion forward doesn’t make you gay. Know what makes you gay? BEING GAY. Listen I’m all for equality but if your boyfriend screams louder than you when there’s a roach in the house then Houston you have a problem. I’m not saying that all over feminized men are gay; I’m also not saying that overly masculine men aren’t. I’m just saying you signed up to date a man. If you want to date your gender equivalent then by all means ignore this article and move on. But if you have ANY doubt that your dude may be playing for the other side or spends far too much time with Javier the make-up consultant who’s “just a friend” then maybe it’s time to go.

Train dudes, y'all gay

Train dudes, y’all gay

I’m just sayin.

There are no perfect guys the same way there are no perfect women. We’re all in this to find the one person that we mesh well with and hope to God to not be a statistic of this skyrocketing divorce rate. I can’t tell you who to date because God knows I’m not perfect by a long shot. People can change and if your boyfriend truly loves you he’ll make the adjustments necessary to make you happy. Chances are though if he’s one of these guys he is what he is and there’s nothing you can do but either deal with it or move on. There are good guys out there, I promise. Before you know it you’ll meet your Bill Cosb- uh oh.

Guess he just needed his jello pudding popped....am I right? Too soon?

Guess he just needed his jello pudding popped….am I right? Too soon?

Never mind.

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