The Jungless.

For my foreign readers The Jungless is the North American equivalent to a hood rat, chicken head, scallywag etc. She is a product of her many surroundings and she is a precious jewel, one to be admired, at times feared or, as I have done, researched. I, Dr. Andrew S. Bain, have painstakingly compiled years of research whilst spending time with the jungless in the name of science. If we don’t understand these creatures how can we hope to coexist with them let alone procreate with them? Our species depends on us creating life but we must be vigilant and aware for awareness is key when you aren’t sure whether or not you are dating or marrying the jungless. What I do I do for mankind and men everywhere and I hope my efforts aren’t in vain.

I have identified and listed all the types jungless to look out for in the wild. They are as follows.

 

The Young Jungless

The young jungless is easily identifiable as she isn’t aware that in life sometimes chewing with your mouth open whilst singing along to Vybz Cartel isn’t proper. She is too young to know her true jungless potential but too old to not go to jail for her ignorance. Pay no attention to her frail appearance for what she lacks in size she makes up for with harsh words, boundless energy and grip strength.

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Doesn’t even have to workout. Cause metabolism.

It should also be noted that the young jungless and her cohorts or junglii (A large gathering of the jungless for a common cause) all have the latest phones but the most dated hair pieces. I found this odd yet fascinating.  Beware young men: even though the young jungless may seem appealing and carefree with her childish antics and wanton disregard for your/her safety, a pleasant car ride can turn into a high speed chase from the ex boyfriend she forgot to tell you just got out of jail today.

 

The Bird Jungless

I wasn’t able to get close to this specimen as she kept slapping her head with an open palm and I feared she would slap me in close proximity. Every 5 minutes or so I would observe her violently slapping herself on either side of the head.

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Wtf is in there?

At first I thought maybe she had an itch from the 28lbs of horse tail on her head (almost like an appendage). In the end I concluded it’s a way to communicate with each other much like the slaves did through singing or birds do through chirping (hence the name). I came to this conclusion one day while I was in the B.E.C line.

 

The Silverback Jungless

Of all of the jungless this jungless was the most difficult to watch, almost terrifying. Her physique was large and powerful. Despite her large frame her shirts and pants were 2-3 times too small for her. The confidence in her strut and the size of her arms were like that of a silverback in the wild. She cared not for the volume in which she spoke or the manner in which she spoke it. Many of them seemed to be accompanied by their mates who in contrast seemed like a toothpick to them. She held his hand in a death grip equal only to the grip of the zipper on her jeans as it struggled for what seemed dear life to remain intact.

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Afraid. To. Say. Anything.

But the true quality of this jungless was her need to threaten everyone with violence while shining a light on her larger than life figure. To test her I attempted to skip ahead of her in the Government Utilities line. Quickly she commented on the size of my genitalia and warned me that if such an action is made again that she would punish me most forcefully with her hands to the effect of my mother also feeling the pain.

 

The Sophisticated Jungless (Maybe the pinnacle of female existence)

Ah this one was a tricky one. I had heard rumours of these at a local drinking establishment. Apparently the jungless had infiltrated common society to the point of obtaining white collar jobs. I thought it rumours and lies at first, but then my curiosity got the better of me. I went from business to business and found none. Like most business establishments they were all filled with lovely ladies dressed to the nines and speaking well.

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Knows all the lyrics to every Vybz Kartel song ever produced.

Then a curious thing happened: a gentleman had a particular reggae based ringtone and one girl, a bank teller, began to slowly gyrate. It was subtle at first but then as the song continued she began to, what I later found out to be called, “Bubble”. Oh how she moved and shook almost uncontrollably, as if a demon had entered her. Suddenly the music stopped as did she. Being even more curious I overheard a conversation she was having with 2 other coworkers concerning an altercation. The conversation went as follows:

“Yes, I was so scared but in the end the lady apologized for her words and I went about my day” – CoWorker 1
“Girl if that was me I woulda call my cousin and hit that bitch with a bottle….I don’t play dat shit. Don’t mind these shoes and this dress” – Sophisticated Jungless

What a turn of events! What was once or appeared to be a classy young lady on the up and up turned into quite the jungless she is. This is a step in their evolution that must not be ignored and must be monitored as they now exist in common society. They are in our businesses, homes, perhaps even in our beds. Who knows?!

 

The Social Jungless

Unlike the sophisticated Jungless this one was easy to spot. See these jungless are creatures of their own specific jungle and have no idea what or how to be outside of that environment. I ventured upon one at a classy eatery Downtown Nassau. The gentleman she was with appeared to be unaware that the young lady, though good looking, was the jungless. I knew for I had scene this anomaly before.

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Doesn’t waste outfits or liquor.

While everyone was casually dressed for their after work, Friday hang out spot, the jungless was decked down as if she were going to prom. Full on dress, 32inch high heels, heavy makeup and an air about her like she’s finally hit the big time. You see the jungless has but 2 dressing styles: Ready for a fight in the street casual or ready to go to the prom classy. There is no median. They know nothing of going to a casual pub and wearing a pair of nice jeans and a tank top. No, to them that’s not what they call “going out clothes”.
In the end the jungless is a creature that we have yet to learn everything about. We can hypothesis and theorize all day about what makes them what they are. Early scholars maintain that when the slaves procreated with Arawak Indians a few survived the march of time and civility. This genealogy would make this island their birth-rite and make us the settlers. Either way the journey and the research continues. If you too are curious research at your own risk.

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