Couple celebrating with sparklers at the beach

We, The Unmarried/Childless 35+ Year Old Bahamians…

By Drew

My mother turned 79 last week Monday. She’s one of those Aquarius demons that no one wants to talk about. Her, Joseph Gaskins, and, waste of human life, Naldo Dorsett. Why Does no one talk about the problematic duality of Aquarius’s?

This is a picture of Nal forcing himself to smile while forcing his son to smile while wondering why they have to smile for a picture he didn’t want to take.

I’m 40 which means that my mother had me at the tender age of 39…..AND I have a younger sister. Understand that back in those days that was unheard of and uncalled for. My mother was a rebel for even getting married at *gasp* 30. My grandmother must have been like…

“30? You’re getting married at 30 like some retired trollop? I raised you better than to find love in your time, get married and raise a beautiful family late in life like some painted whore!!”

Little did we know she was in the vanguard for what would be an ever so present reality for most of us and, frankly…..that’s perfectly fucking ok.

The hilarious thing about growing up in the Bahamas with all the rules that come with aging and life is that NONE of it translated from then to now. My mother told me she bought the property our house is on for $8,000. We’re by NO means rich but by no means poor either. It’s a great house on a great property.

For that price now?

“Cable Beach villa, minutes away from Bahamar, First, last, security and blood required. $10,000 a month. (No kids, dogs, cats, fish, music, tv, heavy breathing, toilets, platonic relationships allowed.) Serious Inquiries only

A wise man once said, “the rent is too damn high!”, and he wasn’t wrong.

In my parents generation you could make $400 a week and live COMFORTABLY. You could get a pretty ok house, a vehicle and raise 12 kids and never go hungry. Try doing that now with $800 a week. Lil Sprinkles bout to be eatin roaches.

“Its not enough to kill the roach you gotta eat them shits too, beloved, cause the way these Purina prices set up…”

Inflation, price gouging, governments that refuse to hold companies accountable so that Bahamians can make a living wage…..the amount of people I know personally that are selling weed and weed related products as another source of income would blow your mind.

And I’m not talking about like, you know….thugs. I mean good Bachelors degree ass niggas. These phone calls are WILD…

“Andrew….Andrew Bain? Yes its Chad Symonette with your Kemp Road Gun murder kush delivery. I can bring it before 12 or after 4 as I have to perform a surgery this afternoon.”

Shit is real out here, beloved.

And they wonder why we aren’t married? Why niggas are out here raising pitbulls and boston terriers like they’re human children? Do y’all know how expensive alive children and spouses are?


Let one of your friends explain their expenses after having kids…..that’ll dry up that vag and shrink that dick REAL quick.

“…ok so Dylans fees are $500 a month and that’s before a seat fee, uniform, apple tablet, medication, breakfast, lunch and dinner…..anyway I brought you here to see if you’d be interested in buying some penis this evening or….?” #MisewellSellLeg

And yes, I know little “It was only supposed to be a back rub” is the pride and joy of your life….I have NO doubt. I get it. Children are fulfilling, they are delightful and they will carry on your legacy and provide a sense of purpose and community and family for a lot of people that need that and my God I know it’s a blessing….

… some of you.

We gonna act like ALL y’all kids and marriages are blessings? Its no shade, I know several happily married couples and several parents that are doing AMAZING…..but not all. Some of y’all kids lil slow…

“I asked this nigga whats 2 + 2 and he said ‘Purple elephant’ and drop kicked the wall so I’ve been drinking a lot lately…”

And, let me be clear…..I was that kid.

I was borderline retarded. I thought I was Wolverine for the greater part of my childhood and was actively awaiting the manifestation of my healing powers at ANY point. I jumped off of my mothers roof with a sheet cause I thought it would turn into a parachute. During my ninja phase……….did you read that?


DURING MY NINJA PHASE…..I once attacked my mother with a plastic knife from atop the cupboards that this silly woman paid good money for, to show her that her paying for karate classes would not be in vain and the fact that this woman did not end up just being like….

“I’m done. Nigga walks around back flipping off cabinets trying to kill me with a plastic knife with a shirt tied around his head I AM FUCKING DONE DO YOU HEAR ME?!”- She said to herself

“Why don’t y’all have kids?”

Lol….y’all wilding.

And I want kids. I know I’d be an amazing father cause I have the exact same IQ and attention span of a 6yr old. Lil nigga/lady would be my best friend probably. But the reason a lot of us are starting late has more to do with reality than it does any weird lack of moralty or lost notion of family and community within our society.

We’re simply just not ready for kids/marriage: That’s it and that’s all.

You don’t get to 35 or 40 and dodge kids and marriage arbitrarily. You dodge them shits like niggas in the matrix.

35+ year olds using the collective powers of condoms, birth control, pulling out and plan B to make it to 40 with no kids #ItsNotMuchButItsHonestWork

Y’all have to stop asking us “when?”. And y’all know the “whens”.

“When are you gonna get married?”

“When are you gonna give your mom a grandchild?”

“When are you gonna settle down and just have a family?”

WHEN are y’all gonna mind the business that pays you? Asking for a generation

Has it ever occurred to some of you that some women may have a hard time getting pregnant? That maybe we wanna build a career more than we wanna have kids or marriage? Maybe we prefer our solitude to marriage? Maybe some people are just gay and this backwards ass country won’t even ALLOW them to marry and or probably adopt but you’re mad they can’t fill in the blanks for a life that didn’t even make YOU happy? Woman been comin to Christmas lunch for 6 years with the same female “friend” and y’all still asking her why she won’t find a man.

Aunty Lena is gay, beloved….stay hydrated and focus on your 2 baby daddies is all we ask

We are the generation of “in our time”. And, ya know what?…..we deserve. We survived Christie and Ingraham forever and then right when we were like, “whew…..ok, now is the time for change….now it’s the people’s time!”….BOOM….

“My fellow Bahamian citizens and residents….I’m coming to lie to you today about….”

The rest of us:

Us all pandemic

We survived hurricane Andrew, George Bush, Iraq War, Beyonce’s “Lemonade”, Minnis, Trump, Kobe Died, pandemic…..We was like, ok….and now we heal……wait….oh Jesus not again……

“My grandparents were subsistence farmers on Cat Island who couldn’t read or write….”



Bruh…give us a second to figure shit out.

Divorce rate high as shit and we bout to have a generation of children raised by day drinking adults that don’t understand their homework or how to work “the Tiktok”…..I’m just sayin maybe not ALL of us need to be having kids and marriages right now.

If I’m being honest the only reason I never got married, at least not yet, is because I never wanted to cheat on my wife. I also wanted to be in a financial situation to give my children MORE than I was given because isn’t that the point of it all? To improve on how you were brought up? And yes mistakes happen but….

….there’s a pill for that

But I refused to walk into a marriage that I KNEW beforehand would be a mistake… I waited. We are ALL waiting. We want the same shit y’all want. And ya know what? Maybe we don’t. Regardless, it’s not your business, bey.

Everything is fine and we are all ok. Some people are in marriages and don’t want kids. Some single mothers AND fathers are doing this alone. Some people are going through their first divorce and NEVER wanna get married again. Some of you had a kid with someone you didn’t wanna be with let alone marry and you’re making the best of it. And some people just like having disposable income to travel the world and see shit that the single life affords them. Y’all know them set….

“Anyone wanna go to Sarajevo this weekend? I heard there are some awesome hotel and flight sales on trips to fucking SARAJEVO” #NiggaWHAT?

All of the above are perfectly fine. And if you’re reading this and you feel an obligation to be married or have kids then please know…you’re ok.

We are all ok.

“Not my mom….I put her through 40 years of ninja attacks, broken bones and emotional trauma cause I was wildin lol”

But, the rest of you?

Be safe tho