St Augustine’s College Is A Cult : And We Need To Talk About It (THIS IS SATIRE)
THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS SATIRE AND IN NO WAY FACTUAL
Look at them. I’m not even 10 words in this article yet and they’re already defensive. Ready to go to war for their belief that their school isn’t a legitimate cult. Whats funny is that my alma mater will get the backlash from this more than I will.
So let’s get Kingsway out of the way quick. Like the caption says we (still) have no pool, we loved white jesus to the point of having a spiritual emphasis week where we all lied about loving white jesus. We were NEVER good at anything sports related beyond women’s softball and we never had the finest gals/niggas or anyone to brag about beyond Rick Fox who, I’m pretty sure, has forgotten he went there….or maybe he hasn’t….
So now that I’ve gotten Kingsway out the way….let’s get into why St. Augustine’s College (SAC) may or may not be a legit cult.
Question: How did you find out your friend/loved one went to SAC? They told you didn’t they? A grown ass adult with bills and chronic back pain made sure you KNEW they went to SAC during a serious conversation unrelated to SAC, didn’t they?
They bring it up as if it’s a badge of honor. Like they got a different education or perhaps a fucking super power because they went to a school almost in Fox Hill. Can you imagine if a Vegan, a Crossfitter and a SAC student were all in the same room together? Jesus Christ…
Now, to be fair there, are 2 types of SAC students: Luckily for me, both types exist right in the “Lazarus Pit” group chat.
Alexis Burrows and Timothy “TIMMMAAAYYYYYYY” Bain both attended SAC.
Alexis? Cool cat. Never knew he went to SAC and he’s not obnoxiously proud of it nor is he mad about it. It’s just a thing that happened and he’s ok with slander or praise when necessary. He has a beautiful wife and child that he cares more about than anything else.
Timothy? Different nigga.
I met this nigga and he told me within seconds. He brings it up daily and he remembers EVERYTHING about SAC. Every smell, every sound, every person……If I ask Alexis about a gal who went to SAC (which I have) it’s always….
Me: “Timothy….you know one gal name Keisha McFineSacGal?”
Now some would say, “But Drew what makes it a cult exactly? Our incessant love and nagging about how SAC is the only school that matters and has ever mattered?”
Lol…yeah, nigga. Exactly fucking that.
But, I have receipts.
Have any of you ever DRIVIN through SAC? Why it built like a cult compound? Am I trippin?
Why y’all have a random mini-lake on the left hand side when ya pull in? It’s like the smallest lake ever that, I assume, is where dissenters are buried.
Another question: Why are “Non-Life SAC’ers” not counted as REAL SAC students?
No, don’t look away now…..ALL of you are guilty of it.
I once asked my friend who shall rename nameless (Nicky….her name is Nicky) about a person that went there and her legit reaction was…
There was an air of confusion and elitism. Like how dare you not be, what I assume they call, “An original”. What does it take? What’s THAT initiation look like?
Also, why do all SAC kids have a look?
Like, don’t get me wrong, there are some FINE SAC women, but y’all ever notice all SAC students look like them kids from the “Heal The Rainbow” Music video? Like they perpetually think they in a music video starring them and them alone.
And don’t get them started on BAISS.
Jesus Christ I swear the MINUTE BAISS starts every non SAC Bahamian groans because we KNOW what’s coming: SAC people running the actual fuck out. Grown niggas online freaking out bout kids running fast for a school they haven’t attended since TuPac died….
Listen, I’m grateful for the friends and chosen family I grew up with in Kingsway. I have people in my life that I have literally known since I’ve known myself. I’ve known my boy Tristan Miller from Grace Gospel Chapel preschool straight through to Kingsways grade 12….that nigga is family. But I could give a shiny red shit about Kingsway.
I’m 39….why exactly would I be proud of Kingsway? At least to the extent y’all SAC people go?
No one else brags about their school.
Look at Prince William alumni….they whisper that shit like a prayer for forgiveness. Ask them what school they went to and watch their reaction.
And they HAVE a pool…..which is hilarious cause they’re legitimately the first government school with a pool (cause they clearly not private). Giving Prince William a pool is like teaching Prison inmates locksmithing classes. Why y’all teachin them more ways to escape y’all prison institution?
And the thing is there’s nothing overly special about SAC people. They not racially ambiguous like the QC kids or weirdly wealthy with tones of “how y’all affordin this school?” like St Andrews folks. They don’t even have the murderous survival instinct of a StJohns student…
There are no real defining qualities of a SAC student beyond them declaring that they went there every 10 minutes….cause they a cult.
Need MORE proof?
I have a theory….hear me out: What if I told you SAC (The Big Red Machine) students think that a big red train was coming to take them to a place named “Vermillion Valley” where their real lord and Savior, Clifford, “The Big Red Dog”, would be there waiting to walk them into their own personal Valhalla of sorts?
And where is this Valhalla you ask?
What If I told you that in Estonia, every house has a red roof…
…and we think its coincidence that SAC’s very own Shaunie “Big Red Machine” Miller-Uibo married this nigga who is from guess fucking where….
Their heaven is in Estonia and Shaunie, or as they refer to her, “Red Ragnarok”, was all they needed to get them to their promised land.
Y’all don’t hear me in this church this morning….
Shaunie was the key.
The burden was on her that’s why she is run so fast. People think they is be stealing kids from government schools but that’s false. They put all the weight of their false god, Clifford the big red dog, and their elitist ideologies on that poor girl and now, if she becomes pregnant, she bout to have a skeety Estonian athlete god baby to rule us all.
Remember where you heard it first is all I’m asking.
And no, SAC people aren’t proud of ALL their students. In fact, they been quiet since Dorian. You could hear a PIN DROP among SAC students.
Looka the SAC people who see where I going….
Was it cause there was no BAISS? Nah.
Was it because they couldn’t go to work all last year and annoy people with their terrible school stories? Doubtful.
They been quiet for one reason and one reason only….
Oh y’all ain bout to claim Shaunie and not claim this piece of shit. Y’all mouth was HARD when he won. OHHHHH y’all talk the MOST shit.
This y’all king….no?
This man been fuckin up damn near 2 straight years and y’all ain say shit but out here talkin bout…
There are a lot of good and genuinely humble SAC students reading this and thinking, “Ine even do nothin” and you’re absolutely right. It ain ALL y’all. That’s like finding a Kingsway student that can swim…
However the innocent must suffer for the guilty and, beloved…..y’all gotta suffer with them.
Jokes aside, I’ve slandered y’all this entire article when really I may just be jealous. Your devotion, love and loyalty to your school is unmatched. You rep for your school and clearly there’s a passion there. The rest of us probably can’t relate because we weren’t blessed with your experiences. I’m open to being wrong and willing to take the high road on this….
……but nah y’all a cult and your love is weird and wrong. Lol