Why The Columbus Statue Needs To Come Down (And Why It Matters)

By Drew

Ever heard of “Schrödinger’s cat”? Its a wild theory that something or someone can be dead and alive simultaneously unless someone messes with the object or device in question. Being dead and alive at the same time is kinda like eating gas station chicken at 3am while drunk……….IN THE GAS STATION.

He knows they fried that chicken in oil from when Perry Christie was in power but he died months ago when the Valley quit junkanoo so…..#NothingMattersAnymore

We are going through a season of exposure. I feel like this is the highest volume of receipts I’ve seen since I been in a Florida Walmart. Duane Sands/FNM and that whole “who let the rich folks fly here when Bahamians couldn’t” debacle. Couples, married or otherwise, are breaking up at a rapid pace and light skin therapy Jesus is NOT helping….

Now really ain the time for hard truths, groundbreaking realizations and life changing conversations, Harrison. Let us be toxic and broken in peace #CalmDownBeloved #MFSpittingTho

Covid, George Floyd, a legit racial revolution, outside kinda open but not really…..a cleansing is happening. But, if we’re truly going to cleanse and come out of covid better, wiser and stronger….

..then its time to take this statue down forever (also why this nigga look womanish? No?)

Not sure about y’all but school yadda yadda yadda’d through slavery for me, honestly. To be fair, they may have offered a history elective that went deep into everything. Problem was I always strived to be in classes with women that would never let me touch them ever, as opposed to the other “informative” classes.

Understand that I’m a man first, beloved.

“Hi, I’d like to sign up for the womens studies course. Also I was told there was a class on womens hygiene and “Lacefronts 101″ class that seems interesting”- Me in the 90’s

If girls were not present en masse then I did not care about the topic. That being said, I remember vividly how Columbus was described to us in general and trust me…..they slow pitched that in real smooth. The Columbus I was taught in school?…..

Look at him. Hydrated. Clean. A hero to the people and definitely has a “#BlackLivesMatter” sticker on the Nina an Pinta them

I trusted that nigga.

I thought he was a hero who brought us here, tongue kissed couple Lucayans to let them know he was different, brought a few of his black friends because who parties better than African niggas? I thought this dude was just swell.

Then I went to college…come to find out this dude was NOT swell. He wasn’t swell at all.

What I thought was a Carnival cruise with people drinking Alize and making consensual sexual mistakes turned into….

I know in my heart that that one nigga jumping out the hole in the net is a Bain. I’m not saying I have proof just trust me on this #EnslaveWho? #EnslaveYaMa

And we weren’t the only ones catching smoke. The Lucayans got it the worst. Understand that he was killing, raping, dismembering and just being not the nicest guy to the Lucayans. And he did all that AND THEN gave them smallpox and syphilis cause I mean why not.

So lets get our ducks in a row:

Sold and bought slaves using their free labor to accomplish legit all his shit.

Destroyed the Lucayans and their culture more or less.

Helped the spread of smallpox to the Caribbean and beyond.

Probably said the N word……a lot.


Did I win piece of shit Bingo yet or……?

Damn it! I forgot about the mass hangings….with fire. Did I mention the syphilis?

To be fair to our elder statesman, they may have been just as ignorant as us.

I’ll give them that bly.

I’ll allow an argument here for ignorance and lack of real knowledge as to the ass wipe that Columbus was. But whats Perry and Hubert them excuse? Granted, in the grand scheme of things we definitely had bigger fish to fry. I just feel like that’s an easy conversation and a quick fix while drinking and laughing at how dumb Bahamians are for playing ping pong with their politics.

If I was Hubert or Perry?

“Ok….before we get lit. Lets take the Columbus statue down and replace it with Sade for Andrew because he’s awesome and she’s perfect! #ShutUp #LetMeDreamDamnIt


ANYONE else will do.

I really mean that.

Obviously not Hitler, Trump or Lizzo or some shit.

Ok……hear me out…..a statue of Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z.

We gonna sit here and pretend like Piccolo isn’t a legendary fighter and striving single black father? That’s what we doing this close to Fathers Day?

…so we don’t wanna see a black king and his adopted white child as a statue in our Bahamaland in these times of racial tension? Y’all ain really ready for change.

Piccolo wouldn’t be my first choice but I wouldn’t be mad. Know who should be up there?

Lynden “I actually freed y’all niggas” Pindling.

NO ONE can argue that. How could you? Like…..how? How, Sway?

How can you argue that that great man should not replace Papa Syphilis?

And yes, I saw the arguments to the contrary of taking down the statue. Oh, I saw y’all trapsy lil Bahamians, White AND black, talkin shit. Black people will, “Y’all really think y’all woke nah. Leave tings as is.” you all day. And certain white folks will, “Well black people had and sold slaves too so….” you to death. Both are straw man arguments at best.

Remember Hitler? He was the guy that wasn’t incredibly nice to jews and anyone else that wasn’t white. After years and millions killed know what Germany did?


Go to Germany and ask them bout Hitler and they like….

I’m not making this up.

If “Control + Alt + Delete” was a country its goddamn Germany.

Germany got so woke so quick that….

…this was Germany after George Floyd was killed. They created the Nazi’s….let that sink in

We are not our past.

We have grown beyond it. We are better, wiser, smarter. If that is the case then why are celebrating a tyrant? Why do we have tourists coming here and the first picture they’re taking is of a man that oppressed, murdered and pillaged black and brown people on islands that are majority BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE?

Make it make sense, beloved.

That’s like me coming into your home, claiming it as Bain Town, raping your wife, give her syphilis, kill your son who tried to stop the raping cause how dare he, then you, a simp, put up a statue of me in honor of “discovering” Bain Town.

Pictured above: Actual house niggas and racists people trying to justify that scenario before they comment some dumb shit under this article.

The popular argument I’ve seen online is, “Well everyone has a backstory. Pindling wasn’t perfect and neither were any of the great Bahamian heroes. So why Single Christopher Columbus out?”

Firstly, shut up.

Secondly, you are absolutely right. Lynden Pindling definitely had skeletons in his closet. So did most of our heroes actually.

Lets not forget that this great man cheated like crazy on his wife. Nigga, “I had a dream’d” his way into several panties. #AndStillWeStan


Let’s cut the bullshit, people. There’s a reason Bill Cosby is in jail and Tyler perry isn’t.

Not all sins are equal.

…we saying this movie wasn’t a crime? Did ya see the wigs/lace fronts or…..?

Remember Schrödinger’s cat from earlier?

Schrödinger’s experiment was simple. He put a cat in a box with radiation and poison unaware to the cat. His premise maintained that in that box, in that state, the cat was both alive and dead. A very final duality.

He didn’t even live long enough to read this article I wrote in my underwear with chicken crumbs in my beard. RIP tho

How are we not that cat?

Not its not as dramatic as “death” but it is a certain kind of death. We are inhaling a poison of the oppression from days of yore. A poison of our own creation. And you naysayers are right, it has NEVER bothered me.

I’m not gonna sit here and lie and act like I was driving past that statue every day upset. Do you know whats down the hill from that statue?

Ain no one was thinkin bout Columbus when Imperials right there.

But when I saw it was brought up my energy was why the hell not?

Its ok to change your mind.

Its ok to be educated on something late and then make an informed decision. I’m not one of these super woke niggas nor am I ignorant. I’m just a regular Bahamian that did his homework and was like…

“Take the statue down? I mean….ya, why not? Once we still have the day off I mean…..”

Y’all may think I’m running out but what about our kids?

This is the internet age…..they are googling shit. How do parents simultaneously explain the atrocities of slavery and how we got to these islands while driving past a celebratory statue of the nigga that brought us here as slaves? People are making it sound like he took us on a fun road trip that we agreed upon.

Can you imagine?

“Me and this nigga Chris Columbus makin a run to the islands to come see you, my Lucayan Princess. P.S. My syphilis test came back negative yay!”

This is an easy fix and one that’s long overdue. A petition was put out, signed and delivered. The people have spoken. The naysayers are in the minority.

Take the damn statue down…..or don’t get mad when someone else does.

Happy Juneteenth tho.