By Drew
I’m a comic/anime guy. Always have been. As I’ve mentioned before, me and a few of the members of 10thYearsSeniors have a facebook group where we unpack all the ongoing comic/anime series we’re watching. Trust me, its far less weird than it sounds.
While discussing overpowered heroes/villains one day it occurred to me….what superpowers are unique to Bahamians and Bahamians alone? What powers do we possess that separates us from the rest of the world?
So, ask yourself…….what is YOUR Bahamian superpower?
Sensing Danger
Superhero Equivalent: Spiderman (Marvel)
Picture it: Fish Fry, 1995. You’re with your main squeeze enjoying the majestic and casually homophobic sounds of Buju’s “Boom Bye Bye” and dancing sexually as your partner works his/her pelvis against yours.
Suddenly the air seems off. The hair on your arm starts to raise. Your head is on a swivel looking for the unease at the function. Something is wrong and the ancestors are whispering in your ear with a menacing, haunting voice….
5 seconds later a chair, almost as if from out of nowhere, touches the night sky and lands on Keisha’s 28 piece wig and all hell has now opened up. But you’re safe, as you was JUST standing by Keisha but….
Bahamians can sense danger a mile away.
We know a fight will break out seconds before it does. The measurements of time may waver but if you ask ANYONE who attended a function where a fight happened they have the exact same response.
It wasn’t your mind, Shavette; It was your superpower.
Tiefin People Man
Superhero Equivalent: Jean Grey (Marvel/X-Men)
Tiefin people man is an art that some women have mastered. Evolution is a tricky and trapsy mistress. She gifts some of us more than others. Jonquil Jones was gifted with height and athleticism. Eldece Clarke was gifted with speed. Lanisha Rolle was gifted with breathtaking, almost super human arrogance…
And, for some women?
They can sense when a man needs to be tiefed.
How?
Because, much like Jean Grey, they can sense the inner feelings of every man up for a quality cheating session. They don’t call her the Dark Phoenix for nothing, beloved.
She’s the woman in your mans office that he told you was just a friend. She’s the cashier at Super Value. She’s the lady standing behind him at the gas station. They can sense that y’all argued earlier and he, in a moment of weakness, may have been thinking ….
…then in walks “Ms Grey”….
And just like that…..ya man get tief. There really is no hope for you once she sets her sights on him. Unless you’re dating a crippled, bald nigga with a mansion and similar powers but we all see what she did to that nigga….
Stay woke.
Seasoning Food (Properly)
Superhero Equivalent: Blue Beetle (DC)
Blue Beetle is a lesser known superhero from DC because people tend to focus on the trinity (Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman.) I don’t have the time or space to really get into his powers save to say he has a magical beetle embedded in him that empowers him and helps him make decisions based on centuries of information. Ladies and Gentleman….that is how Bahamians season food. And like everything in this world…there’s a meme for that….
And by the way, this is not a black Bahamians thing.
This is a BAHAMIAN thing.
A conchy joe will season the holy shit out of a snapper the same way a black Bahamian would. Don’t sleep on these conchy Joe aunties out here making crab and rice like Mama Karen taught them.
I have never in my 37 years seen my grandmother measure shit in any pot. She just kept mixing and pouring and stirring the pot until she felt like that was enough and then BOOM….
Addendum: Not ALL Bahamians have this superpower….some don’t have it and out here putting raspberries and tomato juice and all type fuck in their coleslaw….we don’t know them and they are not allowed to sit with us. Just an FYI.
Information Gathering
Superhero Equivalent: Motoko Kusanagi aka “The Major” (Ghost in the Shell)
Maybe about 9% of you know who that woman is.
Short version, she is probably the greatest computer/internet hacker in Anime….EVER. She can gather terabytes of information in seconds and be able to use that information to make decisions and act accordingly in the blink of an eye.
Every woman reading this either has a friend like this or IS the friend like this. Bahamian women have the power to infiltrate a niggas whole life, break down all his walls and find out every granular detail of his being ALL on the strength of 4 dark words that PLAGUE every mans world every time we hear it.
Y’all know the words.
No…..it’s…..
“You know this nigga?”
Y’all hear that?
SHHHHHH…..cut your volume down….listen….
Son….the minute a woman goes to her info gathering friend aka Mrs. F B -fucking- I, rest assured….she bout to get every lipton packet of tea on you, my nigga. They have a network of informants, social media allies, bitch niggas, BTC/Aliv employees…..ALL on, I assume, some weird payroll. But trust and believe she will have all the info you need in 24hrs or less.
The cost?
Brunch.
I’ve concluded that women treat other women to brunch for finding out dirt on niggas….I just believe this in my heart cause why the fuck else are we still doing so much brunching?
Jonser Strength
Super (anti) Hero Equivalent: Bane (DC)
Bane is arguably Batmans second biggest villain that uses enhanced chemicals to make him bigger and stronger every time he injects them into his veins.
See below.
Jonsers are arguably Nassau’s second biggest villain…
….that uses enhanced chemicals to make them bigger and stronger every time they inject themselves.
See below.
See the difference?
Ya, neither do I.
Jonsers are second only to, I assume, Olympic athletes. Think of it like this: We’ve all watched Lord Of The Rings right? There are elves….
…and then there are Orcs that USED to be elves..
That’s all jonsers are. They are some weird, broken version of the highest level of athleticism that man nor science nor Elven magic can explain fully. EVERYONE has an incredible jonser story. Just ask. The things these niggas will do for the change out of your cup holder is alarming.
However, if I may offer up some advice in the midst of this 2000 word love letter to ignorance and wanton off base generalities…..give them your money when you can.
Looka y’all…
Will they use it for drugs and not food? I have no clue. But when the robot apocalypse comes which, lets be clear, is totally fucking coming…
We have to have our brightest, our most intelligent….and our strongest.
I don’t give a fuck how much crossfit y’all do…..you will NEVER be as strong as a jonser. We will need them for the times to come.
We ga die and the robots will kill us but at least we’ll have our strongest fighters there with us is all I’m saying.
SMT….anyway, y’all ain ready to take real shit serious so let me continue.
Alcoholism
Superhero Equivalent: Tony Stark (Marvel)
Little known fact about Tony Stark that a lot of people don’t know because Marvel/Disney did an absolute shit job of fleshing out anything human or fragile about the character post Ironman 1 but Marvel niggas would watch Thor shit on a cracker for 2 hours and call it a masterpiece they didn’t show a lot of it, is that Tony Stark is an alcoholic. He’s struggled with it for YEARS.
Real comic niggas know.
Despite that fact, he’s been able to be one of the top 10 richest men in comics, built a tech empire and carried along accordingly being a great hero.
I can say the same for legit half of my friends.
Now, let’s be clear: Alcoholism is a clear and present danger in our society and we should take steps to ensure that anyone who drinks excessively is monitored and talked to about this terrible disease so as not to perpetuate the already burdening cycle of alcoholism in our society and its long lasting effects on our health and well being.
That being said tho….We are super good at drinking.
Like….REALLY good. I’ve seen niggas do things drunk that only a Bahamian can do.
Even the way we POUR alcohol is unnatural. Know what my boy Sanchez Brooks aka El Nino used to do? Travel with a 40oz of Absolut Vodka and 2 cans of cran then look at me like…
Now this nigga is super successful and a functioning member of society. And this is my point. It’s not a superpower that we can drink a lot. No…the Irish and Scots also hold that crown. Its that we have probably the most FUNCTIONAL alcoholics I’ve ever seen in my life. Niggas wake up with a Guiness and are productive, pleasant and just all around great people to be around. I don’t know about y’all but I would trade my alcoholic friends for the fake Christian ones ANY day of the week.
Honorable mention:
Women in “Junkanoo/Carnival Shape”
The power to know just how far your car can go on E
Jonsers in relationships based on their addictions (the greatest love of all)
Brent Symonette’s wealth
The Power of the SAC cult logic
Exes that can sense when to text just when you don’t need them to.
Niggas who cheat…..successfully
Be safe tho
