By Drew

Ah, the great Bahamian long weekend.

If there is one story from the Bible that defines Bahamians as a people its Jesus turning water into wine. I feel like not only is it a power move but it’s such a Perry Christie thing to do.

“Now I know people dying from diseases, war, and violence….but my first miracle bout to be turning Aquapure into 19 Crimes cause this party borin. Someone bring me a 5gallon!”

If we’re being honest, Bahamians just need a reason to eat and drink. It don’t take much at all. Birthday? Drunk. Funeral? Dead drunk (see what I did there?).

Shit, we’ll celebrate the nigga that enslaved us and brought us TO this island just to have the excuse to drink and eat fried hypertension. Imagine if Columbus could see us now.

“All the mass murdering and pillaging I did and Diabetes and heart failure is what wipes you people out? SMFT!” – Columbus probably

So, with that being said, time to make some ground rules for this Long weekend that’s upon us.

1. Get drunk early

Look at me, beloved.

LOOK AT ME….stop sitting at your desk thinking about Tequila vagina and Hennessey dick and look at me

Tuesday is coming.

That is a fact.

Yes you’re off on Monday….but that Tuesday? Naw….that ain goin nowhere fam….that comin faster than me during sex every time.

“I came quick because the commercials started and I didn’t want you to miss the next segment of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. I came quick for YOU, Karen!” #JK #iJustLousy #JudgeYaPa

So get drunk between Thursday night and Sunday day please. Stop going to goddamn Montague at 10pm on Monday, the day BEFORE you have work, then show up to work talkin bout…

“I need a vacation from my long weekend LMAO”

First of all that joke stale and played out…..shut the hell up, Bianca. No one cares. 

Secondly, you had 4 whole days off.

Plus I saw your Instagram, Brandon. You wasn’t building a goddamn shed…..you was at some random fete with Virginia Chan and her soca demons who I swear could find a soca fete in hell. 

Actual future footage of Virginia in hell ignoring the (many) reasons she’s there in the first place

Get drunk early. Sleep late. Don’t be dumb Monday.

2. Let People Enjoy Things

One thing I learned after/during Game of Thrones season 8 is that people really feel like they have to insert their opinion in places no one wants it.

 For 6 weeks Steven Cartwright saw me celebrating my Northern Queen and this nigga  jumped in on my timeline like…

Ashleigh probably threw his ass into the conversation from her cliff of Freeport lies and (still) rising unemployment but I digress..

If I decide to stay my fat ass in bed and play PS4, drink, smoke and order Marcos for 4 days then that’s my goddamn business. If Janelle and the cool kids association decide to buy a yacht for 2 days just to flex on niggas then that’s their business.

Stop judging and do you. I hate niggas who sit on social media all day then text the group chat on some…

“So y’all see Kenvado on boat talkin bout they on excursion? Where does Ken work and whose boat is that? I thought he was broke? Doesn’t he have a child? Is his child fed and taken care of since he on boat? Also….”

Hey……shut up.

How do you see someone having fun and then automatically wanna know whats in their pockets and the details to try and sully their fun?

I’m the opposite.

Every time I see Darron Turnquest or one them post some picture of what they eating my first reaction is…

“Where they goin with this beautifully plated lil bit’a food? They ga be hungry later but I hope they enjoy”

Just shut up, mind ya business, enjoy your cats or, I assume, 4 days of violent masturbation, and leave the rest of us to our devices.

3. Side chicks/Niggas please be on manners

Yes I know…it’s a long weekend and you really wanted to spend time with Married/in-a-relationship bae….but this is not your moment, beloved.

You know how this holiday wibe go so lets not get in our feelings.

Remember your sidepiece contract and keep it holy.

“Ok so here, Clause 6, sub category 4…the third line reads “Holidays, long weekends and birthdays are family time. Sit as small as possible until your government name is called at a time designated by the cheater and NOT, and this is crucial, the cheatee. So….”

This is why ya need a hobby or….I don’t know….friends. But don’t text ya not-nigga or not-gal on some …

“So ine seein you this weekend then? Fine….stay wit ya husband….fuck both y’all and I mean that”

Cause, come Tuesday, you know what you waking up to..

“Morning handsome….missed you. How was the weekend?”

And your dumb ass will respond in kind…

“WHATEVER….anyway missed you too. When you droppin this vag off? You need breakfast by the way?”

Sigh….just behave and relax till Tuesday.

4. Don’t get in fights…….but please record them properly

I feel like the type of people who get in beach fights and gas station brawls don’t read my articles so this is a safe space.

People…record the fights horizontally with your phone not vertically. I’m tired of having to switch my phone all around trying to see what gone down.

Don’t do this..

“Goddamn it, Kevin!! Hold the phone with sense so we can all enjoy this attempted murder that you witnessed!”

Do this…

“Perfect, Kevin. Now hold still….I saw a boob pop out and you know the fight hits different when untethered breasts are involved.” #ineStoppinNoGalFight #LetEmFight

Some narration is cool but I don’t need your play by play while the movie getting cut. You’re not goddamn Morgan Freeman, Wado.

All we need you to do is scream “MOVIIIIEEEEEE!!!” and “Bey muddafuck BEY MUDDAFUCK BEY MUDDAFUCK!!!!!!” ,for the culture. Stop trying to sound smart at Rubis at 3am with a philly cheese steak combo on your breath.

“Here we see Linvado, and a host of ne’er-do-wells putting on a Pinewood resident what appears to be, if I’m not mistaken, a “cut ass”. We have not had a fortnight of peace on this island and as the plethora….wait he have a gun!!”

Also, on behalf of the non-violent, in bed by 9pm, don’t recognise no one in the video, members of society, we would just like to thank you for all you do and for documenting these moments.

It means a lot and we are forever grateful.

God bless.

5. Don’t get (her) pregnant

Don’t look at me like that;

Y’all know exactly what I’m talking about.

Long weekend. Black Mirror, When They See us, Swamp Thing, Always be a Maybe……Netflix LIT this weekend.

AC on 17.

Lasko on 3

Half a pizza in the fridge.

Liquor in the freezer.

Dick on icicle and vagina on heartbeat……this bout to be a fuck-cation!

Yes, ladies. I know when y’all horny its like a small vagina elf playing the drums on your clitoris. Don’t matter….I still ga cum quick but I be knowin. #stayWoke

Condoms or pull out. This is NOT the long weekend to pull and pray.

Wrap your shit up or cut off the goddamn “Adult Alternative” cable music channel and put on some DMZ or Sizzla or some shit. This is not time to make love this is the time for juicin. Its scientifically impossible to make love to a Sizzla song.

No?

I’m lying?

K

Put this song on right before you go to have sex with the woman you love and watch how you go from prince charming to bedroom bully in 20 seconds.

See? Exactly….now y’all jucing the way you should. Don’t get caught slipping out here and she put on some…

Niggas singing bout being committed and taking gals out in public. You got half a bottle of Grey Goose in you and you and your dumbass thought you was reachin for a condom or pulling out in time?

No one has EVER pulled out during a Jagged Edge song and that’s fact.

Y’all wildin.

6. Have fun

Life is short, friends. Lay in bed all day and rest. Drink until mistakes are made. Smoke until everythings funny. Beach, fete or whatever brings your ass joy. Just have fun. Life is short….dont get caught up on dumb shit.

And for my last most important point…

7. Be safe tho

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