Workplace Relationships: An Exercise In Futility

by SHONNY

The workplace relationship…don’t we all just love them? Once you find out two of your coworkers are secretly smashing you can all begin taking bets on how long they will last before someone’s car gets keyed or gets completely embarrassed at work.

This is one of the trickiest relationships that you will ever manoeuvre in your life. Not that I would know, but I’ve seen many a workplace relationship go down in flames. Bear in mind, when I say relationship, this covers a wide range. It can be a fuck buddy or even a “we does go” kind of thing.

It’s not hard to see how some people end up in these situations. Shit, we spend most of our lives at work surrounded by these people, so of course, proximity dictates that it would happen at some point. Unless you work with super unattractive people or you’re just super unattractive.

In my case, however, I’ve never had a workplace relationship because I refuse to deal with the fallout from those things. They get messy almost as quickly as they begin and despite my lovely social media life, I’m lowkey and absolutely hate people knowing the intricate details of my personal life. There will also be that nosey coworker/s waiting and watching to see how it all plays out. It’s like they’ve all got front row seats to the soap opera that is your life.

Imagine really liking the person and you guys have an argument that plays out before the entire office. This would mean no more flirting, no stopping by your desk to check up on you and no leaving for lunch at the same time to go have sex in your car in the company parking lot. This will also pique the interest of your nosey coworker/s who has/have been watching your little office romance play out. Yes, when you guys are up, everyone is super fake happy for you but when you’re down, that’s automatically up for discussion in the lunch room by your intrusive and annoying coworker whose obviously not happy with their lives so they need to know what you’re doing with yours so that they can judge you and TELL YOU AND OTHERS HOW THEY WOULD LIVE IT BETTER! *deep breath*… Cause gals *in my John’s voice* and in some cases, guys too.

Anyhoo, I’ve asked 20 guys and girls their opinions on workplace relationships and decided to pick a few of the best responses. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the not so innocent).

 

1. Would you ever date someone that you work with?

 

Chase:

No, I wouldn’t because if we were to break up, our workplace relationship would be ruined, mostly because it would more than likely be his fault and I’m gonna wanna cut him on site.

 

Alphonso Elric:

I would date someone I work with but they would have to be in a department unrelated to mine to avoid conflict. I’ve done it before so once it doesn’t interfere with work, who cares?

 

Bob da builder 242:

 Hell Yeah! I love some good ole messy undercover shit.

 

Sally: 

No, we will most likely break up and I don’t like awkward situations. 

 

Gotti:

Yes, depending on how closely we work together.

 

2. Is your sex life up for discussion amongst your peers?

 

Chase:

My true few, of course, because it’s been so long, they’ll probably be more excited about it happening than I would. But other ninja’s, no, they’re too nosey!

 

DTF:

If you mean coworkers, no. Too many niggas telling nowadays. That never happens. Might get a vague reference but no self-snitching.

 

Jungalis Jay :

Yes…even though it’s pop down af.

 

Ultimate Truth: 

Um, my life is an open book so most of my friends/peers know my sex life story. Got none, want none.  

 Gotti:

Yeah, guys discuss it amongst each other all the time.

 

3. Can you tell when two persons are doing the nasty at work?

DTF:

The nasty? Grow up lol. Nah, I don’t be watching people that close. If I can tell, they are making it obvious. If it’s low-key, people won’t know.

 

Ashley Strachan:

Yes, I can. They always have that look. Look out of place, sweaty, dirty, men may still have their hard on. Lol, It’s obvious.

 

Henri:

Sometimes. It’s pretty easy to notice. Most people unknowingly start to treat each other differently. Then there’s the looks and touching. Too obvious.

 

Fabio:

Yes, I can, because sometimes when I try to make a move and I get curve, I know its because of that. There are only a few reasons why a girl would curve me in life. This is a true story by the way.

 

Charge on:

Yes, you just see it in them. They’re stupid.

 

4. Have you ever done the nasty at work?

 

Bob Da Builder 242:

Yup. In HR for that matter. Fight me.

 

Sour patch kid:

No…but I wouldn’t knock it ‘til I’ve tried it.

 

Alphonso Elric:

Definitely fucked at work because the culture required me to do so.

 

McGloven:

Ummm does *insert bars name* count as work? lol anyway, that’s not my official answer. The answer in this context is no. 

 

007 1/2:

No. But I would like to.

 

5. Would you ever sleep with a superior for personal gain?

 

Ashley Strachan:

I would never sleep with a superior for personal gain. I believe in working for what I want. I also believe in karma and I have morals and standards. Next thing ya know I damn lose my job because I ain’t arch my back properly or my peers find out about my sleazy work affair. What if information gets out I can’t deny? Df?

 

Sour Patch Kid:

Women selling their front for way less, like bamboo shack. So, I don’t judge people who have or would but it’s a nah for me. Unless my boss is Idris Elba.

 

Alphonso Elric:

I would 100% fuck for personal gain because, equal rights.

 

Fabio:

Of course, Have you ever heard exchange ain’t no robbery? We could call that an intimate interview. At the end of the day, it’s still business as usual.

 

HK:

Not only would I, but I have a plan for the type of sex we would have based on how much I have to gain from it. For example, if it’s a promotion, she gets the triple play and if it’s for a day off, I go down on her but not until she cums. 

 

Well, there you have it, folks. From their keyboards to your eyes. These are the thoughts of many of Nassau’s young professionals on the workplace relationship. I came into this social experiment open-minded, expecting to hear compelling arguments that could possibly change my mind on this or at the very least get me to understand the opposite end of the spectrum.

Nothing. Zilch. Nada.This has solidified my stance on this whole thing. I will never get into a workplace relationship. Y’all can keep that. It’s a no for me.

This has solidified my stance on this whole thing. I will never get into a workplace relationship. Y’all can keep that. It’s a no for me.

(With my luck I’ll probably be in one by next week)

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