Bahamian Marriages, Social Media and Why We’re Doomed

By Drew


When I was young I wanted a huge wedding. I wanted to get married on top of a mountain with a sword in my hand and my warrior woman by my side. I even had my vows all written in my head. Today, if I get married, it will be peppered with Game of Thrones quotes because I’m really just that stupid.

“Winter is coming but we are iron born and what is dead may never die. Ours is the fury as the night is dark and full of terrors. Amen”

The older I get the less I like people and the more I’m ready to get married in front of the 10th Year Seniors trap house and have Young Randolph officiate because I do what I want.

Pictured above: Pastor Randy and the Church Of Trap

For a long time the divorce rate has been climbing. We’re at an impasse and before we totally ruin the celebration of marriage we need to deconstruct it first in order to understand where marriage in the Bahamas went wrong.

Can we be honest for a sec, people?

Marriage in the Bahamas was never a holy precious thing. People love to claim that “back in the day” you stayed with your spouse regardless of the circumstances. I have no argument for that….that’s actually true to an extent. But how is that a good thing exactly? People stayed together because divorce was a little short of illegal. I’m pretty sure women used to get burst with rock by a gathering of their peers if they even thought of divorcing their husband.

“Apparently Francheska got tired of him cheating and verbally abusing her and has the nerve to leave. She ga learn today!”

Know what else used to happen back in the day? I could pick up a broom stick and and murder my wifes face with it without much legal repercussion.

So…I don’t know…”Back in the day” isn’t a really good measurement of morality #ImJustSayin

So lets avoid that little nosedive into days of yore and deal with today.

Now most of you will look at me and say, “Well what could he possibly know about marriage that I don’t as I’m IN a marriage? This nigga dumb!”. 

First off, your mom is dumb.

Secondly, I, much like the rest of your single friends, know more than you do because guess who married people go to and bitch to when you mess up??

Ya, their single friend.

I know more about how your spouse is feeling than you do because they never told you.

Especially niggas. They come to me about their issues like I’m a freed slave that whispers news from the outside.

“Wait what?! The Zoo AND Waterloo closed? The hell is Aquafire?”

All the horror stories I’ve heard have come from married dudes who complained about their wives in vivid detail. And sometimes you don’t even need to hear the complaints, its written all over their faces. Go ask an unhappily married person how their spouse is and watch the left turn it takes.

“Stan is good tho I wish he would be home more and not have given me Chlamydia last week but we’re going to Disney for vaca…excited!”

Men are a bit more cryptic.

Asking an unhappily married man how his marriage is doing is like asking a Vietnam vet what war was like…its gets really dark really quick. You could ask this a nigga how his wife is and he’ll be like…

“I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none. And thus I clothe my naked villainy . With old odd ends, stol’n forth of holy writ; And seem a saint, when most I play the devil…”

Leaving me like…


Please don’t get me wrong: I know that there are happy marriages. And no, I’m not basing this on Facebook and Instagram. I’m fully aware that half of you are lying and the other half are telling the truth by NOT posting lies.

I see the statuses all day from some spouse being too extra about a marriage that 45% of their friends list knows is broken.

“Chick on FB bragging bout her private school kids when she hasn’t worked since 2005 and her husband is barely making ends meet!”

Beloved, look at me.

No….don’t exit out the article….that’s cowardice….look at me.

We know……We know.

Une foolin no one I promise you.

And to these niggas out here talking about “my rib” and “find you a queen” let me ask you this….can your “queen” keep your phone for a day unlocked? Not just the iPhone that you leave haphazardly around to reassure her that you’re “transparent”. I mean the other one you keep in your work desk confusing your sweetheart on the daily.

“…every day after 5 this nigga goes missing like clockwork…these purses wont pay for themselves tho so…”

Understand that there’s no judgment here. I can speak on this because I did it….often. I’m just saying Nassau is 21/7, son. We know you lying and you’re only making your spouse look stupid by maintaining a log of recorded lies on your social media. People don’t even have to look for receipts on niggas any more….its right there on the gram.

“I’m seeing “church flow” pics but she here at brunch tho….the fuck?”

There are good marriages on this island. People that love each other, talk out their issues and are mature enough to love beyond the imperfections we as humans inevitably have. I personally know like 4 good marriages out of like 20 but that’s better than none.

So, why such a low number?

Earlier I stated that marriage was a “celebration” and y’all just kept on reading. But how many of you really got married to celebrate your love? Devoid of obligation, “we were pregnant”, time, etc…How many?

I’m sorry but if you look at marriage solely as a contract or an institution then you my friend are doing it for the wrong reasons. How cold does that shit sound when you say it out loud?

“Jane and I recently entered into a contract to not have sex and be distant with each other forever!”

We spend exorbitant amounts of money to flex on acquaintances who only came to see her dress and to see if he would show up. Going to a wedding these days is like going to a goddamn presidential  inauguration.

“4 – 8 years of false promises, politics and rapid aging due to growing apathy and indifference…initial here”. #Marriage”

I would love to say that we stopped celebrating marriage but that would imply that we ever really did. Look at our grandparents: Half of them were either forced into marriage or got married so young they didn’t have sense enough to know the difference.

Our parents had a chance at love but that went to shit because they were raised by THE PEOPLE THAT GOT MARRIED AT 15….AND STAYED. And these are the people we’re allowing to dictate our fates? Those are the people you let convince you that if you weren’t married by 25 then you’re dead inside?

“I heard she just turned 17 and still no husband: Whore!”

If your parents are happily married to this day then God bless them. They are a rarity and should be cherished. Otherwise learn what you can from those that came from broken situations so you know what not to do and listen to those that made it work so you hear BOTH sides of the story. Its science, people.

Kevin Hart recently admitted to cheating.

Well…that’s not exactly right: a female tried to extort him for millions of dollars which then forced him to admit to his family and the world that he had cheated.

Yes, ladies, that’s how deep shit has to be for us to admit that shit.

“She threatened to tell my girl which was fine but then she started threatening my paper so….”

Now, I’m not here to judge that man.

Far as I’m concerned he’s the first and only dark skinned nigga to ever cheat in life. Y’all got these white people out here convincing you that black men cheat and its simply just alternative facts created by the media to ruin black love and I don’t want that for us.

If your boyfriend/husband just did that to the screen after he read that then he cheatin #StayWoke

JK….niggas been cheatin. He will tell you you have the best vag in the universe, how beautiful you are, respond to texts and play his position but if he feels antsy, frustrated, unappreciated or that YOU’RE doing the same shit as HIM?

“You goin to bed at 8 Babe? K, me too. Love you. Night!” #DontGetTooComfortable #YouAreNotSafeInThisZoo

And that’s both MEN and women by the way. Gals out here doing the exact same thing only better/smarter.

But what makes the Kevin Hart story so great is the outrage.

The moral backlash from both genders as if this nigga owed it to them specifically to be faithful. Now, to be fair, I feel like he brought this on himself. It goes back to my point about putting all your lies on social media like shit is sweet. Y’all out here taking couples selfies when you know y’all just almost got a divorce over the way he chews his food.

“You chew like a bitch, Lester. I’m leaving you”

That was Kevins biggest mistake in ALL of this.

He fronted for the world and worst off with his family that he was happy. That they were safe from his true nature and that the world was safe from yet another fallen artist that didn’t know when to stop doing dumb shit.

…do I even need a caption?

And please miss me with the, “Oh well that’s his/my right to post selfies and videos praising my spouse whenever I want. If you don’t like it don’t tune in.”

First off, tell ya ma don’t tune in.

Secondly, are you kidding?

OF COURSE I’m going to tune in. In fact, because you do it so frequently and with so much vigor, I’m gonna LOOK for your shit for 2 reasons:

1. Sometimes you need a good cry because happy people remind you of how sad your life is and shut up I’m in my feelings today.

2. People lowkey kinda want you to fail. I know people, as well as myself, that have legit waited out relationships.

“Bad Ways. Hows Trish?” – Girl who noticed you deleted all the couples photos/videos 5minutes ago #staywoke

YOU made me a part of your relationship when you made that shit public so excuse me if I too will need some closure as to how, when and why you ended (y)our relationship.

But I Digress…

Kevin made it our business when he made it public…..and its proven by his public apology. I’m wrong? Ok….how many of you Beyhive peeps knew the full extent of Jay Z’s cheating BEFORE 4:44?

I’ll wait.

And therein lies the rub.

Marriage in the Bahamas has become a public outing. A facebook post, an Instagram story, a quick snap of feigned happiness: something to show off to your friends. Our men marry because women have “paid their dues” or “she gave me an altumatium”.

Our women marry because “I was getting older” or “He was safe”.

We sacrifice our happiness, and to an extent our well being, in the name of a contract that we think validates our love and a social media post that we think will qualify it.

We’ve evolved past child brides and shotgun weddings. We evolved past “staying for the kids” and “divorce is sin”. People are abandoning marriages faster than Minnis locking up his detractors.

“Give me  3 years to lock up everyone I don’t like then it’ll be the people’s time, K?”

We have to evolve past this social media BS. If we don’t then we’re doomed.

Understand that if you want to be public and show every inch of your love life, let alone marriage, on social media then that’s your prerogative. No judgement. Just know that you run the risk of getting lost in a maze that may risk your real life. I’ve been in scenarios where it’s a perfect day, having a perfect moment with the person you love only for them to stop and take 10 couples selfies to validate it all.

“Kiss me like you fucking mean it, Bradley! This is going on the gram for fuck sakes!”

The world is yours. Nothing wrong with capturing the moment but don’t lose your soul in the process. We have to take a step back and ask ourselves why we’re doing so much and who we’re doing it for. Are we capturing memories or so consumed with a false image that its now controlling us. Is it for the love or is it for the gram?

And be warned: Nassau is 21\7: The more you flex on social media the deeper the hole you dig if shit goes left.

No worries though, you’re only risking a contract, right?


Keep your eyes north of the wall….and take care.