Bahamian Weddings: A Beginners Guide

Bahamians love weddings.

Please understand me: We really could care less about your “forever” love, your commitment to each another or any of that foolishness. No, y’all had 2-5 years to figure all that shit out. We sat with you through the tears, the lies, the cheating and the tire slashing.

We endured it all.

Hell, we’re taking bets AT the wedding as to just how long it will be before you get sick of each other and get divorced.

Ya, we don’t care about all that.

We just love to get dressed up, fake smile, gossip and then eat free food and judge you for not being able to afford an open bar all while trying to estimate just how much in debt your ass is going to be for the next 10-15years.

I think we need to address Bahamians weddings and what to expect.

Dress comfortable, you’re gonna be there awhile.

Ladies, don’t wear shoes you cant tolerate for more than 12 hrs because if you don’t, trust that your feet will feel it all. Don’t mind the Bahamian ladies tipping on their toes when they walk in. Their feet have evolved to a point where they don’t even feel that pain anymore.

 

Oh the invitation said the wedding starts at 12?

Lol….it’ll start at 2:30 the earliest because Fashawna the girl who was supposed to start the brides hair at 9:30am couldn’t get there until 12pm because she had to drop her baby off to her baby daddy and…well….you know how he go. Then she couldn’t find parking and she thought you told her you were in hotel room 120A not 42C….its been a long day for Fashawna but no one else on this island, unless it was Mary Magdaline herself, could fix the brides hair.

The groom is usually somewhere drunk and wondering who half these niggas even are IN his wedding.

Oh, did I mention that there are like 30 people in the wedding?

Theres the 13 groomsmen of whom the groom knows 3 of them really well and the other 10 the bride insisted he find because “that’s how much friends she has that have to be in the wedding”.  Then theres her nieces and nephews that each have a role to play that they carry out with the grace and elegance of a jonser on crack.

Lets pause here for a second.

Can we please stop letting 6yr olds hold the $828 ring you bought on ebay, refurbished, that you told her cost “a lot” and walk with it……on a goddamn silk pillow? Who’s idea was that to begin with?

Give both rings to functioning adults because chances are after this pre-divorce celebration you’re going to need that pawn shop pay out.

Now I know what you’re thinking: How long could it take 26 people, arm in arm, to walk up an aisle and assemble themselves ? Seconds, MAYBE minutes right?

Lol….silly rabbit.

There’s a procession….my god there’s a procession.

For some reason Bahamian folks decided that to walk at normal speeds to Shania Twains “From This Moment” was waaaaayyy too pedestrian.

No.

We need you to see us emphasis our love with every beat of the song through choreographed walk stepping movements, arm in arm, with a stranger we met last week. So what should take 2 minutes, just took 37minutes of your life.

God help you if they don’t loop the song right because then there’s that 6.5 seconds of awkward silence when the pause in the cd is advancing to the next song and the bridal party is just walking up to nothing at all but trying desperately to stay on beat to non-existent music.

When they finally arrive and set up, then in comes the bride….and she’s beautiful. I mean stunning. Of course in her elation and excitement to marry the man of her dreams…surely she’s in a rush to get to the altar right?

LOL…y’all like to have hope bey.

Um no kimosabi….she has an entirely different song for her saunter up the aisle and please believe she will NOT get to the front of that aisle until John Legend sings the last words of whatever he’s crying about this year.

But she gets there and now its cute and lovey again.

The women in the audience are whispering about what she should have worn and the men are whispering amongst themselves about who used to hit that and why the groom is crying like a bitch.

It’s a great time.

Now this is where churches differ and we have to address this difference. Catholic or Anglican wedding? Pastor will say legit like 12 sentences then tell them niggas kiss and keeps it moving.

Short and sweet.

But if it’s a Baptist church? Buckle up because he’s about to attempt to save souls today, my friend.

God help you if he tells the bride and groom to be seated because then you know he’s about to have the most lit sermon about love and life.

Eventually it ends and you’re relieved.

Your car is as hot as hell, you’re tired and you’re hungry because for some reason no matter how you try and prepare for the inevitable 8hrs of sitting and fake celebrating you ALWAYS leave weddings starving. Now, if you have a family that believes in fun then someone will have some Hennessy waiting outside with cran that you didn’t even know you needed until now. Its usually the delinquent cousin in the linen suit, that you never acknowledge outside of family events, that knows you secretly drink and do cosmetic drugs on the weekends but doesn’t snitch cause he/she isn’t here to judge.

Now its reception time and the bride and groom are already there waiting and so is the food….hot, ready and plentiful!!

Good, you’re catching on that that’s a lie and you’re actually living your worst nightmare in real time.

Welcome to the conversation.

No no….the bride and groom are out on Bahamar Boulevard in the grass taking pictures while you stand awkwardly in a hotel lobby trying to avoid ending up on some strange Instagram as a result of all the selfies and pics being taken by all the guests. You’ll be there for some time as the hotel/venue is never ready and they have to “set up”.

Once inside shit gets real because outside of the front row and the wedding party table, seating is crucial. Always pick the table in the back.

Trust me on this one.

That’s where the sinners and fun folks gather. That’s where the secret stash of pocket/purse liquor can be found and where ALL the “tea” on the bride and groom awaits you.

Leave the front row for the aunts and stuck up friends. I’ll take the back row with people that play well with my very own demons.

Speaking of hell…..sooner or later, while the Best man and Maid of Honor are lying about various stories from their pasts, out comes the food and its….not a lot. On the invitation it said it would be chicken and fish when  really whats in front of you is some tilapia/tadpole hybrid with 2 pieces of asparagus, half a dilly and a light drizzle of, what I can only assume, is frog semen.

At this point the food mixes in with the exhaustion of the day and the general sadness over where you are in life – now you’re just drunk.

Ties are loose, high heels are off and you’re not sure but Dj Thugga Knight .45 is playing the shit out of that Drop Leaf Riddim right now.

I call this the witching hour because within this hour all that you’ve been through has lead to this moment…..and its glorious!

Everyone is tired, hungry and dead inside so the party looks like

And yes, my friend, it’s a party.

It’s the party that the bridal party deserved for paying (in installments) $588 for a dress they’ll never wear again while the groomsmen paid $45 for a suit they’ll wear to work on Monday.

It’s the party the family deserves for getting rid of their kids and giving them to a stranger they barely knew, for a time they know will ultimately end.

It’s the party the guests deserve for weathering the storm of this relationship and being gifted shitty food, a long ass sermon and a cash bar.

But most of all, it’s the party the bride and groom deserve. Because in that moment when all are gathered and after all the money spent, time taken, arguments had and wounds opened……they’ve never been more tired and more happy than right now.

 

 

Honorable Mention goes out to…

 

The not-gay aunty and her “friend” of 32 years and their 4 cats.

The drunk uncle that hugs his nieces 10seconds longer than what the law should allow.

The “Amen, Pastor!” aunt that forgets that this isn’t actual church

The cool uncle and aunt that slip you $20 in your hand because they think that’s actual currency in 2017

The fake woke cousin that tells everyone at the reception that weddings are a lie and he’s vegan and just started crossfit and that black lives matter but has a white girlfriend….from Sweden

The not-gay uncle who plays manly when the men come over but lowkey been dissin every dress that walked by the entire day and is funny AF

The ghetto cousins who won’t shut up but they lit and don’t care and they make the wedding a blasty blast

The super Christian family that had no idea that you were a sinner and now have something new to pray about tomorrow.

The foreign white aunty/uncle that think this whole experience is hilarious and can’t wait until the next wedding.

The cool older family members that know their place and leaves the reception just when the lights go out because “this is for the young chirren em”

The respectful sweethearts that party like everyone else, leaving none the wiser cause they know who will be texting them after the honeymoon on some “Hey Baby, how you? I miss you”

The sweethearts that just now realize the gravity of their decisions and are about to sleep with the closest cousin they can find because vengeance is a dish best served cold.

The mother of the 6 yr old ring bearer that is hoping he/she gets lost in the fray because she’s drunk and doesn’t want to adult anymore this year.

You guys are the real MVP’s.

(Happy Anniversary Nal and Sannie. Godspeed)

Stay(matrimonially)Woke

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