How to fix Traffic Jams

This Morning it took me an hour and 10 minutes to get form my home to work, which is approximately 4 miles away. Sitting in a car not doing anything for that long gives you a lot of opportunity to think about things.

Sitting in a traffic jam takes a toll on us both physically and emotionally shaving years off our lives in the process. I care about this country and our people and I would like to help alleviate the traffic problems created when the school semester begins. So here are my suggestions:

Large Scale Murder.

That’s actually a terrible idea. Murder is awful, don’t do that.

Smaller Scale Murder

Image result for the hunger games the cornucopia scene

Okay this is much better. We have this traffic because there are so many kids that need to be sent back to school. If we take some of them and make them murder each other Hunger Games style on television for our entertainment this should chip away at our traffic problem.

And don’t act like Bahamians wouldn’t like it, I’ve heard my countrymen advocate for the cruelest most macabre punishments for criminals to demonstrate, in the most ironic way possible that harming other people is wrong.  Our people would be down with some child murder believe me.

I swear I’m kidding. Please don’t murder anyone.


Leaving your kids home. 

I’ve seen our latest exam results and so have you.  Our kids don’t learn anything in school. At this point our kids would be better off if they stayed home and watched The Price is Right all day. At least they’d learn basic math and the cost of everyday items.

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And sex ed?

Exile Our Kids

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There are an endless amount of islands scattered all throughout the Bahamas, we have so much space, let’s build some schools on another island send all our kids there, and if they prove to be good at anything they can come home, if not they can stay their asses on this burgeoning dystopian penal colony. This may seem awful at first thought, but it’s a great idea on so many levels:

It Promotes Equality

Upward mobility is a damn near impossibility in this country thanks to our ridiculous property prices, stifling taxation and meager salaries.  Most people who have anything at all do so because they were born into a well-off family and they’re able to inherit their family’s property or business.

If we’re being honest with ourselves we’re living in a feudal society where property ownership is entirely dependent on who our parents happen to be. Exiling kids to a deserted island until they achieve something is a way to ensure that our best and brightest are the ones who succeed and not the dumbass kids of rich people. This is how our society becomes a true meritocracy.

We can develop an Out Island. 

Our penal colony Boarding School is going to need a staff, and they’ll need houses, shops, post offices, murder robots, and infrastructure, they’ll need people who will need salaries and further housing. This is an opportunity to develop an economy independent of the nation’s capital.

Penal Colonies aren’t always awful. 

Austrailia was a penal colony and now it’s one of the world’s most prosperous nations. Sure awful genocide happened there but they’re rich so that makes it okay right?

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Let’s get that goofy railcar from China. 

Image result for chinese railcar that straddles traffic

A company in China is testing a bus that goes over traffic. Seeing as our country is well on its way to being a full-fledged colony of the Communist Superpower, we might as well try to get one thing that benefits us out of our government’s unrequited love affair with China and its money.

The bus is supposed to alleviate traffic but not interfering with its flow. I think it’s worth a try.

Handing out Contraceptives

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If the reason for these traffic jams are kids going to school, how about we have less kids. Sure this won’t do anything about the traffic problems we face today, but if we have kids at a slower rate the population is going to decline which means less kids, which means less kids going to school which means less traffic.

So let’s go into neighborhoods and hand out condoms, IUDs, plan B pills, birth control, everything. Let’s cut into those numbers.

What’s the downside?