Last night I watched the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Warriors in the NBA finals. The victory secured Lebron James’ place as one of the top players in the history of the game (because the fact that he is one of the best players in the history of the game isn’t enough) while giving the city of Cleveland its first Major League sports championship since 1964.
For some people last night’s game may have been a definitive statement of what is what in the NBA. But last night left me with more questions than answers.
Q: Is Akron still awful?
A: That place is still a dump
After Lebron left Miami to return to Cleveland he made a commercial endorsing Beats by Dre headphones, which were promptly lampooned by ESPN host Dan Lebatard’s dad. In it, Papi Lebatard proclaims a number of things about Lebron and Ohio in general, and none of it was good.
The fact that Akron’s most famed native son bought home a title for a city he grew up hating makes them the worst.
Q: Where the hell did Steph Curry go?
A: Seriously, has anyone seen him?
Steph played below his average in the finals and his team lost because of it. If he showed up at any point between games 4 and 7 he would have been celebrating right now instead of Lebron.
Q: Can Kyrie Irving ever come back to Kendall Isaacs Gymnasium?
A: Definitely not
Believe it or not 10th Year Seniors’ first ever podcast took place in reaction to an incedent in which Cavs point guard Kyrie Irving stormed off the court at the Kendall Isaacs Gymnasium in Nassau in front of a bunch of kids at a celebrity game for the Jeff Rodgers basketball camp. It was a ridiculous scene and in this era of all camera phone everything I don’t understand how this didn’t end up on Deadspin or the now defunct Grantland.
On his way out Irving was greeted by a chorus of jeers and boos by the campers and their families and he was allegedly told that he can’t come back again. Even though he’s a champion now that still stands.
Q: Is Harrison Barnes a max-contract player?
A: Hell no.
Harrison Barnes has been a solid role player during the last two years with the Warriors, who found his physicality, versatility on offense and defense and shot making ability not only useful but essential during the past two playoff runs.
Enter the 2016 finals, Barnes looks like the Mon-stars took his talents to play Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan for the fate of the world. I don’t know if we’ve ever seen a career 38% three point shooter miss so many open shots. Whatever check someone was about to make out to Barnes is torn up at the bottom of a garbage bin right now. Cold World.
Q: Is anyone from the east going to step up and give The Cavs a credible threat?
A: Not as long as Lebron is Lebron.
Let’s face it, the Cavaliers tore through the eastern conference like a hot knife through butter. They didn’t even lose a game until late into the eastern conference playoffs and only The Warriors (a superior team top to bottom) were able to put up a fight.
The East has been trash since the first time Jordan retired and unless Ben Simmons turns into another Lebron and somehow the Sixers manage to put a good team around him (don’t bet your life on any of that happening) Lebron should continue to have a cakewalk to the finals for the rest of the foreseeable future.
Q: Will other Cleveland Sports teams finally get off the schneid?
A: Is Robert Griffin III the starting quarterback of The Browns?
Q: Does the fact that Lebron came back to Cleveland and win Dan Gilbert a championship vindicate Gilbert?
A: No. Dan Gilbert is still an asshole.
After Lebron’s departure to Miami, Cleveland Cavaliers owner wrote a disgusting “runaway slave” open letter to his former player assailing Lebron’s manhood and integrity because he took money to play basketball elsewhere (fucking really). The attention Dan Gilbert attracted with his hijinks drew a lot of attention to Gilbert and the fact that he is:
A: Probably racist
B: definitely an terrible person who destroyed thousands of lives with his company’s predatory loans.
Because karma doesn’t exist if you’re rich, Dan Gilbert’s runaway slave came back and won him a title, and he hasn’t been to prison yet. Must be nice.
Q: Is Anderson Varajao going to get a ring?
A: I hope so.
Andy Varejao came into the season being the longest tenured member of the Cavs, longer than Lebron who spent four seasons in Miami while Andy was cellar dwelling in Cleveland. He was waived midseason ending up on the Warriors eventually losing to his former team in the finals. Sometimes teams give rings to guys who spent part of the season with them and they may opt to give one to Varejao, I personally hope he gets one so he can be the only person who lost a championship and still got a ring.
Q: Does this mean people will want to come to Cleveland now?
A: Nobody at any point has ever wanted to go to Cleveland. I don’t anticipate that changing.
In a postgame interview Lebron stated that people may want to make their way to Cleveland because it’s going to be the biggest party the city’s ever seen. While he’s probably right about it being a huge party, I don’t anticipate too many people taking him up on his offer to join them. Cleveland is a shitass city.
Q: Did JR Smith give someone the pipe last night?
Before returning to Cleveland, the Cavs partied in Vegas until the wee hours of the morning. pic.twitter.com/PH5SgGD41U
— Arash Markazi (@ArashMarkazi) June 20, 2016
A: Someone definitely got the pipe.
Q: When the hell does football start again dammit?
Q: What’s going to happen now that Jon Snow and Sansa Stark now have control of Winterfell?
A: Yes I turned from the game to watch the Battle of the Bastards and I don’t regret it one bit. I think they turn their attention to the wall and the impending doom from “the others”. Time will tell though.
If this year’s finals left you with questions, feel free to ask them in the comments and we’ll try our best (worst) to answer them.