I’ve always had more female friends than male friends. I think it has something to do with me being raised by women. I have 3 sisters, 0 brothers and about 88 female cousins. My grandmother used to call it a family curse that there were so few boys in our family. I’d say the ratio would be 5:1 and that’s just the family I know of. Suffice to say I’ve heard a lot of grumbling and complaining about how sad some of you fellas are.

I’m by no means perfect nor am I any authority on being a “man’s man” but I think I can safely say that I try to strictly follow guy code to the letter if I can. A lot of you guys totally disregard the laws and walk your own weird path and I’m here to tell you that you are a fuckboy and you do not deserve sex or scotch ever in life. These are the 6 things that a lot of you niggas needs to stop doing, STAT!

Stop Lotionin

For all my foreign readers the term “Lotionin(g)” refers to the actions of a guy that over zealously compliments, pursues, or indulges a females wants at her gold diggerish/thirst driven behest. Now this term has been broadened, especially of late, to include guys who just in general over-pursue women that are known to be easy or just plain not worthy of such eager pursuit.

Its one of those things where you know it when you see it. Now to be fair, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I cant tell anyone who to date and how to pursue them but seriously some of you men are borderline “gay friend” status with these women and you still don’t get laid. Lotioning is like the friendzone set on fire.

Have some confidence in yourself and if she is obviously using you for your money or services (none of which are sexual) then move on. Females outnumber us substantially on this island, trust me there’s one out there for you.

Ok maybe not her know...other females

Ok maybe not her but…you know…other females

Yeah I know she let you touch her leg on your 18th date and you think you’re wearing her down but no. Just no. She’s using you and using your lack of self-esteem against you. Take a step back and realize that for the amount of bills of hers you’ve paid, the number oftimes you’ve picked up her and or her kids from home for a meal, and bought groceries for her mother, she isn’t going to date you.

Accept it, rub one out and come the morning start over (pun intended). Whats that phrase all the Christian girls love to use as ammo for when they dont want to put out? “Not equally yoked” is it? Ya, find that equally yoked female and leave the rest to their one and only loves: Wado and Glenzantino and such. Those dudes got laid on the strength of a thigh snack and a criminal record.



Stop Being Creepy

What makes any man think they can sexually harass any woman ever? I’ve heard countless stories of guys who follow women around grocery stores or in the mall thinking this is the proper method to ask them out. I’ve heard of men that women have told “I have a boyfriend/husband” and they still call the job, send flowers/lunch and even send jewelry. Understand something, Captain Creeperface, women are complex creatures. In the Notebook that guy was creepy as hell but he was Ryan Gosling so that’s ok to totally stalk someones life for years.

When he follows you around they call it "romance" When I do it they call the police.

When he follows you around they call it “romance” When I do it they call the police.

This man built an entire house and future for a female who was engaged and made gave no inkling of wanting to be with him beyond their little tryst. Now if the aforementioned “Wado” does that then he’s “insane” and “wrong”. But when Ryan Gosling does it millions of women everywhere swoon because true love or whatever bullshit they convince themselves of.

Problem is you’re not Ryan Gosling and your “persistence” isn’t cute either. If she tells you to fuck off then do so and keep it moving. I have been shot down thousands of times and in those moments for sure it stings but the older you get the more you take it in stride.

Funny story: I had a friend come down from Australia once and me and a few friends took him to the bar. He hit on just about every girl in the bar. He got shot down by all and every time he got shot down he smiled, said thank you for your time and kept it the hell moving. Then, lightning struck, at 3 am he struck gold with somebody and I didn’t see him for a few days after. That’s the heart of a champion right there. You take your blows and keep it moving.

Nothing wrong with hitting on a woman just know when its time to throw in the towel is all. And all that good shit aside, dude that stalking shit is just creepy. Cut it out.

Stop Traveling in Packs

Will someone please explain to me why men are still travelling in large numbers? Now let me be clear, I’m not saying if you go out and run into several guys you know and you all decide to chill and scope the scene that that’s wrong. No, not at all. That’s a good time. I’m talking about groups of men literally clamoring into a Ford focus for a night out on the town. I have a personal rule of no more than 1 other guy in my car at a time on my way to the bar and no more than 3, myself included, meeting me out for drinks.

Now its football season so these numbers can be adjusted considering we’ll all be meeting somewhere to watch the game but in general them’s the brakes. Why is this rule in place you ask? If I pack 5 guys into my car and we all go out then that means I have to make sure these 5 grown ass men have a way to get home. So if I meet a young lady as sexually liberal as I am, willing to explore said liberties that night, know what that means? She is either going to have to “sit small” between 5 guys whilst I drop them all home one by one or just in general see my situation and change her mind.

"Damn it Carl, Jeff, Reggie, and Brent!!"

“Damn it Carl, Jeff, Reggie, Larry and Brent!!”

Now if I have 1 guy with me he will for sure be able to get home somehow someway, but not 5. I’ve voluntarily stayed in the club and had to hitch a ride just to accommodate a friends one night stand. You take that L because friendship. I would sooner walk home than be the reason one of my friends didn’t get laid.

Stop being immature

How is it 2015 and dudes are still in their feelings when a guy gets a girl or gets engaged? I’ve heard of guys actively trying to sabotage relationships just because they feel like they’re “losing their boy”. Seriously? Best believe if I get a girl she will be involved in 85% of my social life. I’m a big advocate for having one’s space and going out with your boys when that 85% starts to feel like a cage but outside of that why else are in you in a relationship if not to have fun with the woman you love?

Just because you’re single or hate your girlfriend/wife doesn’t mean I have to hate mine as well. When I had a girl that was where the fun was. You go out with your girl, get wasted and have sex in a church graveyard (editor’s note: what?) because we’re drunk and our sense of morality is weird right now. But no you’re constantly the guy trying to convince your boy to dump his girl so he can be as lonely as you are. Not cool, son.

Find yourself a girl or a new friend but don’t ruin someone’s long term happiness to suit your short term needs. When 10th Year Seniors Co-Founder Renaldo (aka NalElectronica) got engaged I’m proud to say the whole squads response was “Okay, do you”. Not an ounce of hate. Sure we tease him about it but we’re guys, that’s kinda our job.

I do this once a week because of reasons.

I do this once a week because of reasons.

Now to be fair whatever your boy does or doesn’t do is on him. He’s a grown ass man and should act accordingly if he really wants to be with his girl. But peer pressure doesn’t help the situation and no one wants to have to make that girlfriend vs old friend decision. For the record though I choose my girl cause she has the vagina and the good snacks.

Stop Cockblocking

If we’re being honest I have to blame Drake for this one. Never in our history have we seen a man so aggressively cockblock other men. He made an entire song about it.

I like Drake but lets call a spade a spade, people.

For some of you guys it’s a hobby, like you enjoy it so much that half the time you’re not even trying to get with the girl you just don’t want to see the other guy have her. Do you realize the hate involved with doing that? Marvin Gaye didn’t die for men to be doing this to each other.

Lets be clear, I’m not saying you cant sleep with another man’s woman. Sure its not cool but if she is a cheater then she’s gonna do it regardless. My issue lies in your methods of getting with her. When you have to badmouth or lie to any woman about another man in order to get laid then you are a beta male and I hope you get herpes on your face. Not like a cold sore, no that’s too subtle. I want you to wear the herpes on your face like a fucking scarlet letter. Men who do this are the lowest of the low.

Its like taking steroids in sports: You didn’t accomplish your goal like everyone else through hard work and tequila shots. No, you took the easy route, told my girl you saw me with another girl then lulled her into some homoerotic sense of security then boom, she’s being manipulated by you and your snake tongue.

Any man that watched the animated Robin Hood and thought he was "funny"'re a cockblock and you're wrong .

Any man that watched the animated Robin Hood and thought he was “funny”…you’re a cockblock and you’re wrong .

The average relationship can survive some cockblocking but no man can survive a savage first interaction cockblock. That’s the one where you’re at the bar talking to a chick you just met then this beta piece of shit comes over and asks you about another girl or says some shit like “Hey, did you take your AIDS pills? Is your AIDS any better or nah?”. Then they walk off leaving you to have to deal with the back of the female running away from you. I don’t even have advice for scum like this. I hope you die slow from some penis stomping related “accident”.

Stop being out of shape

Whats ironic about guys who judge womens bodys is that they are the same ones completely out of shape and have the nerve to call ANYONE else fat. Recently we’ve seen swarms of critics judging Serena Williams’ body calling it too masculine for their tastes. Meanwhile she probably could kick the ass of any one of them at anything really. We put so much demand on women to be thin, solid, thick, big ass, no ass, big boobs, less stomach all this shit but then we ourselves look like a watery triangle. I’m not saying you have to be Channing Tatum…

...though lets be honest it would really help.

…though lets be honest it would really help.

I’m just saying lets tone it up a bit. I’m a pretty big guy but I’m functional and mobile with my weight. I lift heavy ass weight and it suits my endomorphic frame i.e. I will always be a big guy but I just put muscle on top of my bigness.

Whatever works for you do that. Run, lift, play flag football, just do something other than play video games, eat and then tell your girl she needs to lose a few.

Now to be fair there are a lot of guys who are fat as hell but they are also rich as hell so they don’t need to see a gym because women will come at them regardless. That’s fine but do you really wanna trust that particular woman who obviously is with you for the money? And miss me with the “She could be into him for who he is on the inside”. That may be true but….

....I'm just sayin

….I’m just sayin