Feel free to judge him based on this status alone as that’s exactly how he is as a person

Feel free to judge him based on this status alone as that’s exactly how he is as a person

His status got me thinking and I realized every heated argument I’ve ever been involved in with a female has been with a self-proclaimed “Independent Woman”. Every single one. See among my friends I’m the loud, drunk, obnoxious one that says what they want to say. That’s why they bring me along because they know once the chick with the bad blowout and no makeup on starts reciting her resume I’m going to go off and cut her down to my level. Which, as you can tell, is pretty low. Well I’m sober right now and I still loathe you, so here are 6 things self-proclaimed “independent women” need to know.

Stop Proclaiming You’re Independent

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear people declare their narcissistic drivel concerning who they are and what they do? And what makes it worse is these people will say it with no provocation.

"My job is all I have so lets talk about that for a few hours then we can discuss your cancer"

“My job is all I have so lets talk about that for a few hours then we can discuss your cancer, K?”

No one cares about your master’s degree, your certificates, how important your job is and why you don’t need a man. Yes I know you’re an independent/intelligent woman. Absolutely your life and experiences matter but honestly… really doesn’t matter. If you’re in a social setting then be social. The problem with a lot of these women is they’ve studied one thing all their life and have no idea that that one thing is boring as fuck to the rest of the world. They never developed the social skills necessary to actually be involved in society on a casual level. Then when you call them out on it they are quick to say “I just get tired talking about Scandal but I guess people can’t handle intelligent conversation”.

That’s not the case, madam. We all work, we all have jobs we go to and have to be smart all day. It’s not that we’re not capable of having an intellectual conversation it’s just that we don’t want to right now. Right now we want to be dumb and drunk and talk about the possibilities of calorie free Cheetos or if Kim Kardashian’s ass is real. That’s way more interesting at 1am than hearing, again, how amazing you are.

You’re Single Because You’re Boring (annoying)

The big claim by independent women is that they can’t find a man because men are intimidated by their intelligence or financial status. Nope, not true. No man is going to run away from a smart, rich, down to earth female. My mother is a nurse and studied in Europe for 15 years, came home and married a man with a 6th grade education but a body that looked like the statue of David.

Pretty much my dad in the 70's if you add melanin....and an uncensored dick

Pretty much my dad in the 70’s if you add melanin….and an uncensored dick

My dad wasn’t intimidated and I’m sure there are countless stories no different from theirs. They put 4 kids through private school and college and are still together to this day. My mother is just as smart and just as intelligent (there’s a difference) as any female I know but what sets her apart from the female in question is she’s also down to earth and a pretty chill chick.

Now to be fair you may just be dating bitch niggas which is still more or less your fault. The average bitch nigga can’t handle a smarter, wealthier female. If that’s the case then make better choices and keep it moving. But in my experience these women are usually just straight up boring to be around. They have no personality or, as stated above, can only hold a conversation about themselves and/or their job. If “How to Get Away with Murder” doesn’t rumple your stilskin then try “Game of Thrones”. Or get a hobby. Knit, go to the gym, play flag football….do something that makes you interesting. Or do none of it and die alone. Really it’s up to you. But please don’t confuse male abhorrence with intimidation.

You’re Unattractive

Stop rolling your eyes at me and hear me out. I know a lot of very independent yet very attractive females. If you’re one of those then I’m not speaking to you. I’m speaking to the women who have just let themselves go. They are so caught up with work or academia that they wake up in the morning, I assume say “fuck it!” and just show up to life looking an actual mess.

Those highlights are lies, Becka, and you know it!

Those highlights are lies, Becka, and you know it!

Note I didn’t say you were ugly I said you were unattractive which means that you’re not attracting anything to your table. This ties in with why you’re single. Yes I know you respect yourself and want a man to date you for “what’s inside”. Absolutely he should love your mind, heart and whatever else is inside that you deem worth loving. However, initially, no one gives a fuck about your mind, heart and whatever else is inside that you deem worth loving. If you’re going on a date or just out with friends I should not be able to pick you out of the crew.

I swear whenever 3 or more girls are gathered together I can always tell who Miss Independent is going to be. She’s the woman with her hair in one, those weird flats women wear, a sweater in July (because she respects her body) and my mother’s jeans. You can respect yourself and still look like you give a shit about your appearance is all I’m saying. Looks aren’t everything but it damn sure helps. Then you turn on your friends, who aren’t even dressed slutty, and tell them they are just because they’re the ones getting the attention.

Do what they keep whispering behind your back what you need to do: fix you. Get that hair sorted, get some heels or not flats, put on a top made in 2015 and stunt on these chicks. You’re already smarter than all of them, now you just have to be as good looking. P.S. Be prepared to lose some friends. They were keeping you around BECAUSE you look a mess which made them look amazing by comparison. You’re welcome.

Don’t forget where you came from

What really gets me pissed about some of these women is when you KNOW where/what they came from and yet they get brand new when they see you as if you don’t know their past. I’ve been in several situations where I knew a female from my childhood, they make it big, start making a considerable amount of money and all the trappings. Then they see me at the food store that one time I decided to go straight from the gym in my weathered “Superman” t-shirt and destroyed British Knights that I’ve had since grade 12 and act like they’re too good to say hello. (can you tell this is totally a true story and I’m still salty about this?) All of a sudden they don’t know who I am and forget when we used to play booger war.

It was a simpler time

It was a simpler time

Or they see a female who they’ve known for an equal amount of time but who’s had a kid with no dad in the picture and decide to go in on her with all the pretentiousness and vitriol she can muster. Madam on behalf of myself and that unwed mother of 1: Fuck you. I’m not saying that you can’t speak politely or be as smart as you’ve become. I don’t cater to this new wave of “keeping it real” 24/7. However there’s a time and place for everything. There’s a time to be professional and have a stick up your ass and then there’s a time to be humble. And when all else fails we’re all human. Its never beneath anyone’s station to be kind and be warm. Also, WE PLAYED BOOGER WARS TOGETHER AND I NEED YOU TO REFLECT THAT IN YOUR GREETING THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME! …..again, still a little salty about this.

Don’t be a hypocrite

So let me get this straight: You had a kid for a drug dealer, got out of it because drug dealers don’t make good fathers/people, and now you want to put actual good niggas, with no semblance of drug dealerness, through a gauntlet because of your 3yr old sins? Seriously? What makes it worse is they will put up pictures of their sons and be like…

"The only man I need in my life....but if you're rich you can slide in my whatsapp I guess"

“The only man I need in my life….but if you’re rich you can slide in my whatsapp I guess”

Why are you on this date then? And you’re not only on the date but you’re preaching to me about how you don’t need a man. If little “Taekwonario” is all you need then save me the $150 I’m about to spend and go home and be with him then. Pick a lane. You can’t say men “ain’t shit” then lowkey slide in my Facebook messages asking for a handout. Or when you do get a man have him buy you “that good Remy weave” by week 2. Sidenote…

Does this even need a caption?

Does this even need a caption?

Respectfully, sit all the way down. I totally understand that you can and have been taking care of you and yours but that’s no excuse to make my pursuit of you harder. You weren’t always this angry and this bitter. You came up through some hardships and did it alone. I get it. I see you. You need to keep it 100 though. Either you need a man or you don’t. Nowadays niggas aren’t going to just accept your resting bitchface as they jump through hoops and ladders to win your heart while you’re simultaneously telling them you don’t need them as you spend all their money. Trust me there’s another chill ass female with more kids and less contradictions who is open and worth the headache more so than you are. (Helpful tip for the guys: If you suspect a female is the woman described above let her read that passage. If her reaction is “Well go find that bitch then!! See, typical niggas!” then you know to stay away and my work here is done)

You’re Bad at Making Sex/Need To Get Laid

For some reason these self proclaimed independent women will hint, and at times, brag about their sexual prowess. Its really weird to behold. As soon as you challenge them, on what is a logical assumption, that they are probably frigid in bed, they go off about how “you don’t know” and “trust me its worth the wait”. So your argument is you cant find a man, cant keep a man and haven’t gotten laid since R. Kelly’s “Ignition” and you expect me to believe that your sex game is worth the wait? If I wanted to wait a long time for a cheap offering followed by immediate regret I’d just go to a McDonalds drive thru.

You’re really bad at sex because you fuck every 6-12 months. You can’t be good at anything within those time parameters. Now that’s not to say that you may not have a past and you’re a newly reformed stripper/hooker turned independent woman. I call this female Jane Bourne (Female Jason Bourne. Maybe watch a movie): They have convenient amnesia of their past lives but get their backs against the wall (or on a bed) and they just instinctively react accordingly. But those women are few and far between. Hard to turn a stripper into a CEO.

She's smarter now because she wears glasses she thinks

She’s smarter now because she wears glasses she thinks

For the other 98% of you maybe stop buying batteries for BOB and destroying your lady junk and get you a cup full of man penis. I’m not saying to go out there and lay everything that comes your way, that’s what the actual prostitutes are for. That position is filled (pun intended). I’m saying that you’re tense and probably need some loving that you don’t have to plug in. Yes I know no one can love you like you but it cant feel good cuddling with your cats after a romantic session with a rusting Bullet. Just saying.