"It was all just a week ago (week ago)"

“It was all good just a week ago (week ago)”

After this conversation and the initiation of the “long term relationship” the situation adjusts itself from comfort to passive aggressive agony within a dark vacuum of everything unsaid. By the men at least, women tend to say everything they want but its always pre-empted by a word or a statement. The problem is we men have evolved to a place where those words and statements no longer have power so that leaves women with less verbal bullets in their guns and more frustration than ever before. We’re on to your tricks ladies and we are no longer afraid. Here are 5 words/statements that will not work in 2015.

1) “Fine”

I remember the first time a woman used this on me. We had been going back and forth for hours and my simple logic was having no effects on her emotional convictions. Suddenly after making the same point I had been making for 4 hours she yelled, “FINE!” then walked away. I was young, new to the relationship game. I became stressed, palms sweaty and eyes welling up for fear of the potential relationship doom that word might hold. Of course I then surrendered. Chased after her while she sulked, told her she was right and I was wrong and begged her to be okay. Years later I realized that “fine” was the proverbial wall that women hit when they realize we wont budge off of what we think is right or just good common sense. “Fine” is the passive aggressive Trojan horse that if you let enter your soul will crush your morals and who you are as a person. Men now know this trick and simply don’t care. In fact we pray for “Fine”, we push the arguments to that end. “Fine” now means she’ll go sulk and silently beg for attention, but you’ll get none of that here madam.

This is where "Fine" gets you in 2015, ladies.

This is where “Fine” gets you in 2015, ladies.

Now I know I was right and you realize I wont budge off this mountain, at all. How do I know? Because a woman will never submit in an argument she KNOWS shes right about. Don’t mind your bf looking mad, that’s just for show so you think he gives a shit about you talking shit about him to your friends for 3 hours. Nope, he knows two things now: (1) he won and (2) he has some time before she brings up the same conversation again. Now he can do important things like watch the game or be away from you. Don’t get cocky though, posturing around like you just beat Tyson is a mistake, trust me, there are consequences. Like her saying …..

2) “No sex for you”

Ah the old “no sex for you since I’m mad” technique. Ladies I need you to know something: that shit only works on sitcoms and movies starring lesser men. Sex is a small price to pay for peace and quiet. Any man with any dignity will hear that statement, giggle and go in the bathroom and sort himself out. You’re denying me something I just started doing 10 – 12 years ago. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been masturbating? I know and love myself better than you ever could. Sure I enjoy sex and all the trappings of it but at the end of the day I’m quite fine spending some quality time with me.

..well, me and my 2 friends over here

..well, me and my 2 friends over here

Also keep in mind that if you play that game too long that gives way to, you know, cheating. Sex is the one thing women can take away from us that used to work but now a dude will let you live for 3-5 days then when he realizes you’re just being extra starts texting Keisha. See Keisha doesn’t hold grudges and she, at this moment, isn’t mad at him. Now that’s not to say your bf is going to automatically cheat on you with said woman, I’m just saying you’re not helping. But don’t worry you have lots of time before he actually makes any solid play on Keisha because chances are you already said this to him…

3) “You’re sleeping on the couch”

Lets take a gander at the average couples living room: its usually equipped with a comfortable couch (women love comfort), the “big TV” for guests and for general Netflix cuddling. Playstation/Xbox/ laptop or apple TV depending on your boyfriends media vice in life. And its usually near if not directly next to the kitchen. Let me get this straight; this is the place you want to send me as punishment? That’s not a punishment, that’s a mini-vacation. You just sent me to play Madden, get drunk and Facebook all night without you there asking me when the games done or why I’m creeping some chicks profile. This is the freedom I had before you and now here is a small taste of it without your judgement. Women have no idea how much fun the couch is. The average couch is super comfortable especially if your girl picked it out. You literally created the most comfortable jail ever and while you’re thinking we’re downstairs “thinking it over”, we’re actually watching some pretty disgusting porn. No no not the porn we showed you to make you think we were normal and totally okay with the sex we have. Nope, that other site with the girl who does the thing in the forest with the people and the vegetables.

Fun Fact: that bookmark in Google Chrome labelled “AppsForEducation” isn't that at all. Its porn

Fun Fact: that bookmark in Google Chrome labelled “AppsForEducation” isn’t that at all. Its porn

Oh we’ll act like we care and we’re hurt but notice we never not go. You think we don’t know we pay rent and bills there as well? We know. But it’s a vacation from the argument and a moment to be a bachelor….if only for one night. Also; porn.

4) “Excuse me?/pardon me”

The attitude that usually comes with this statement alone can shake the very foundation of your being. I’ve never heard a woman casually say this without some vitriol or just raw animosity. Its usually done with a head tilt and a tensing of the shoulders much like a boxer or assassin would do before the kill shot. “Excuse me” is normally said after you have said something inflammatory or downright offensive. Now if its true but just peppered with curse words and insults then you have to stick to your guns. Weakness in this case will only lead to an inevitable loss and you will be in an even longer argument. Example: “See Diane, this is why your dad left your mom. This same bullshit right here”. You’ve said it, you cant take it back.

You have just driven into Shitsville....guess who the mayor is

You have just driven into Shitsville….guess who the mayor is

You now have .8 seconds to come up with an intelligent and factual argument as to why this is true enough that it warranted you “going there”. Somewhere between your last word and her “Excuse Me?” you need to come up with a neutralizer. Its like pulling the pin on a grenade: If You don’t get that pin back to neutralize the explosion its gonna end badly for you. In the end though, once your resolve is true and you’re dealing with facts, she’ll still argue but she’ll lose ground. Men have figured out that if our cause and words are true we no longer have to just accept the bull that women tend to spew when their back is against the wall. It forces them into a place where now they have to have a sensible conversation. Warning: Don’t push it. Plant the seed and back up, let it breathe. Don’t see her reaction and then go off and start talking more shit. Let her have her moment then calmly explain yourself. I need you to trust me on this one. One “Excuse me” is okay. But 2-3 of those suckers? That’s when furniture starts moving around your head and ambulances get called. Logic is thrown out the window and hurting your face is her top priority.

Shoulda stopped while you were ahead, bruh.

Shoulda stopped while you were ahead, bruh.

Know how far to take it.

5) “We need to talk”

Ladies I need you to know these are the 4 most annoying words known to man. Every man on the planet hears these words and in their minds (hearts) punch you right in the uterus.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!", screamed no guy to his girlfriend ever

“YOU GO TO HELL YOU LIFE SUCKING WENCH!!”, screamed no guy to his girlfriend ever

It drives us insane because we know whatever conversation is about to happen is about us and some shit we need to “fix”. Never in the history of ever has a woman said those words and it lead to sex, burgers or happiness. As a matter of fact when men say we need to talk its because they aren’t getting ENOUGH sex, burgers or happiness. However, as of late, I’m watching it lose its power because now we just postpone the talk. See the flaw in the words lies in the timing: When exactly are we talking? Now you’ve just transferred the power of the intended sentiment over to the man who, if he has any brains, knows that this is the time to do everything he wanted to do to get his mind right for this talk. Wash your car, visit your mom, drive around the island, start a scrapbook…whatever. We delay it so that we know how to deal with it. Now to women’s credit they caught on to the fact that its probably not a good idea to initiate the conversation when their man isn’t near so the new tactic is catching you at home and saying, “Oh you’re just sitting here enjoying your life? Cause I was hoping we can talk for 6hrs about how my friends think I should be feeling about you”, Or some variation of that. We’re fully aware the conversation is inevitable, we just need time to sort out our feelings because when men are put on the spot with emotional shit you have been thinking about all day and expect us to decipher in 5 minutes, we panic. Our words get jumbled and our brains get scattered so women end up winning the fight and we agree to God knows what by default because we haven’t come up with shit to say on the spot. (Cause we all know you don’t want raw, unfiltered honesty).

I can tell just by this picture that this guy said something really honest.

I can tell just by this picture that this guy said something really honest.

Avoidance is key. We figure out what it is you wanna discuss, figure out how to weasel that argument to our advantage in the interim, then have the conversation fully prepared. Your ambush methods no longer have power here, ladies.

Understand that its not that we don’t care or that we don’t love you enough to have the full on argument, we do. But we want to have the argument the same way we want to go to work: We understand we have to in order to get the things we want but if we had a choice? Of Course we wouldn’t. These are just short cuts to avoid a inevitable “conversation” that will ensue for god knows whatever eff up we committed. Truth be told if women switched up their methods a bit we never would have figured out the code but constant repetition of the same checks and balances forced us to evolve to a point of apathy when the situation calls for it. Its 2015 ladies, time to either switch up your way of arguing or just join us over in Mansville where we don’t argue at all; We bury our pain and resentment away until the pent up stress causes cancer and we die early because we’re not allowed to cry. You know, the way masculine bearded Jesus intended.

Praise him

Praise him