Why You Don’t Have A Man

I love it when women say things like “There are no men on this island!”.

Do you know why I love it? Because they usually say it in the presence of men. Functional homo sapien penis swinging men. We all know how that conversation ends up we’re just never honest to whoever makes the statement. Men try to defend themselves for maybe 2-3 minutes but if this is a female you wanna bang or worse, she’s just annoying, then usually we back off and let her have her opinions on how someone as perfect as her just can’t find a man because its just like the old adage says “Men hate perfect women”.

Well ladies I’m here to tell you what that guy and Drake won’t tell you because chances are if you’re still single and complaining about how there are no men you’re one of this ladies.


Ms Independent

Let me guess…you don’t need a man, right? You have your own job, pay your own bills and you LOVE to tell people how you have and do both. You’re above the riff-raff that other women would settle for and if he’s not white collar then you’re not wasting your time. You would much rather go home and use a home appliance on your universe than to ever have a man think he’ll even get a kiss on the cheek from you because you know what you deserve. You work out, you eat healthy and you’re the Alpha female, queen bee and baddest bitch.

Good for you, you go girl.

Heres the thing, She-Ra…no one cares.

Any man worth his gib doesn’t care about any of that. Sure its nice to have a independent woman and by all means do your thing, but I don’t need to be beat over the head with your ambitions and goals. Understand that men want a woman, not competition. If you’re out and a nice gentleman offers to buy you a drink of just sparks up competition maybe let your walls down. Yes, I know there’re a lot of scummy no good guys out there, all of whom you fear are after your coin, but if you’re that afraid then why are you even out and about? You could have stayed home and spent time with your cats. You came out of the house to be social and deep down you want to find that guy but you’re so defensive you won’t give the right guy a chance. In the words of Aaron Rodgers, RELAX. Have a drink, breathe, and listen. Will most guys be full of shit? Probably. But you don’t want to take the chance on missing out on the one guy that doesn’t think calamari is a Italian province. So maybe…take the leap


Ms. I Used to Date……

“OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES!!!” – That’s what every man has wanted to say this woman every time she references the rich guy she used to date. Know why guys won’t stick around with you? Because you refuse to stop talking about the lifestyle you used to have that the guy you’re talking to can’t afford.

Yes I know, you dated a famous drug dealer or a numbers boy and you used to drive around in a Benz and he paid your rent. Then things didn’t work out because his work (wife) got complicated so now you’re here.

Madam, we’re both enjoying the $10 all you can drink situation in the middle of the ghetto, we’re both broke. Sit small, have another Vodka and cran and let’s talk about something other than your broken dreams. Men have egos, fragile ones. No man wants to be with a woman who constantly references things that he can’t afford or do for her. Picture a guy coming to you and saying he dated Kim Kardashian and she was the best and her body was everything but, you know…”you’ll do I guess.” You’re not Kim Kardashian and I’m not “Wado Runks” your drug dealing ex.

Get over it.


Ms. Jesus Will Send Me My Man

So let me get this straight: We have an impending war, VAT, the middle east is in its constant tipping point, Taylor Swift is still making music – all these travesties and you really think Jesus has time to select the perfect man for you?

Yes my dear, his eye is on the sparrow but that sparrow didn’t ask for a man though. Jesus doesn’t have time for your excuses why you’re single and neither do men. I’ve heard so many women over the years who watched their lives pass by and complain about being single but do nothing about it.
Work, home, church, repeat.
All the men in the church are taken, obviously you can’t date someone from work and sadly, and I’m sorry to say this, Channing Tatum is not real. He’s a robot that Nicholas Sparks and Disney created because Brad Pitt got older. You will be single the rest of your life waiting on Jesus to do your job for you and I promise you this. And for all of you who think that the deaconess in your church found her man through the power of Christ…maybe go spy on her. Chances are she met that dude at the same bar “Ms. I used to date…” goes to. The Bible even says “faith without works is dead” i.e. you sitting at home watching Preachers of LA all night will not get you a guy.
Put yourself out there. You don’t have to go to the club necessarily but my God, it wont hurt you to go to a mixer or a flag football game or, you know, out of the house once in a while. God will send him you just have to be in place when he does.


Ms. I’m not over my ex

First off…get over your ex.

Yes, it’s that simple. Think Carrie in that Sex in the City movie that I totally didn’t watch and enjoy.

Remember when Mr. Big left her at the altar? She was damn near a corpse for months. Be that corpse. Deal with your pain, be mad, be sad, be angry, be fat, be all those things…but make sure to be done with it before you put yourself out there.

No one wants baggage and no one wants to deal with a girl who is still in love with the ghost of boyfriend past. Don’t worry, men will be there when you’re done, I promise.


Ms. Tyler Perry (pun intended)

This one is gonna hurt but I’m not here to make friends.

Ladies, life is not a Tyler Perry movie. I’m sorry but it’s true.
You’re not Jill Scott and you’re not gonna end up with the chiseled light skin guy at the end of your life’s movie. That happening is like winning the lotto and truth be told if you win the lotto then chances are tons of light skin chiseled men will be trying to date you.

So really if you’re that girl then stop reading this and go play some numbers.

Now, if you’re a big girl and you have men throwing themselves at you and it’s the kind of dude you want then I have no idea why you’re reading this article. If you’re not, then ask the Dr. if getting off your ass and working out is for you.

Ironically enough I love to see big women in the gym working out, sweating and really giving it their all. I respect them and I admire them because they are trying. But I’m sorry, if you’re sitting home eating the KFC family meal and get tired while trying to form a sentence then either be that and invite me over because KFC is delicious or stop complaining about the man you can’t find and how men only like “skinny bitches”.


Ms Social Media

For the record I don’t like you…..I don’t like you at all.

You post 72 selfless a day.

You seem to think anyone cares about your breakfast, lunch or dinner and you don’t seem to realize that no one believes your lips are that big. But do you know what really grinds my gears? The inspirational posts about what real men should be doing and your plans for when a real man comes.

Then heaven forbid someone puts up a post about a break up or relationship issue you’re the first one there giving your opinion about men and relationships. Keep in mind you’re single and probably going to be for a long time.

Know why?

Because you refuse to get the hell off social media.

When you’re not on Instagram, Facebook, Whatsapp, Tinder, Linkedin, Twitter (I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re still on Hi-5), you’re at all the major events and parties (probably uninvited) but when you’re there you can’t just have a good time. Nope, its photoshoot time with your friends or you’re documenting everything that happens at the goddamn function.

No one wants to date you because you’re a tourist on a trip no one wanted to be on in the first place. Put your phone away and be human. Be capable of a conversation that doesn’t end up online five minutes later. I don’t know…maybe you should be alone because I really don’t like you.

And there you have it, the truth. No man will admit to this and that’s ok, I am a harbinger of uncomfortable truths. But please believe this comes from a good place. In my perfect world no one would be single and we’d all be in love and be loved for who we are. Life would be one big Drake song come true. Sadly if you women don’t change your ways your lives will end up like Drake song titles, sad and wanting. Thank me later.