Patrice O’neal said something genius once. He said men want women around but just not around us. Be in the vicinity where I can call your name and I know you’re near but not really near me. You’ll know when we want to be around you because then we’ll come around you. Otherwise leave us alone. Now there’s nothing like watching Game of Thrones with your girl or any other show (providing she doesn’t talk during the episodes cause that’s annoying and I will leave you in a heartbeat over that shit.) but otherwise we don’t wanna watch Scandal…like at all. We don’t wanna be involved in your phone convo with Brenda and we don’t care about whatever dress you’re looking at on Forever 21’s site. Do that shit by yourself and stop interrupting Madden or football to show me these shoes you REALLY need. Speaking of which…
7. Respect your mans respective sports season.
Now there are two sides to this and in my efforts to be fair in this heavily biased article I wanna get this right at least. The NBA season is almost all year. I get it. It’s a lot of time spent home or out to the bar watching the game. Also I totally understand that you’re nervous he may not just be “watching the game”. But there has to be a compromise. If I can agree to watch the game every Wednesday and Sunday my God no one’s getting hurt here. Otherwise we can watch it in the background or watch the highlights the next day. I think that’s fair. Now, for you ladies dating men who watch football I have NO sympathy for you. Football is Thursdays, Sundays and Mondays. The average football fan likes to watch their team play and whichever big game comes on. Last week for example, if you date a Dolphins fan he watched that game, enjoyed that win and couldn’t give a shit about the games that followed. Maybe the Broncos/Colts game but that was done by the half. We have the longest off season, our playoffs last a few days and our final championship game is played once, no repeat. I don’t see what the problem is here, I really don’t. From Monday to Saturday I’m all yours. I just want Sunday. That cant be too much to ask.
8. Be some semblance of how I met you in the beginning.
I’m really nervous about this topic because this is gonna step on a LOT of toes but I said I would keep it honest so….here goes. Lets be honest, kids, we live in the Bahamas. Stop me if you heard this one: man gets married to woman, both in shape, both in the gym or doing whatever to maintain their level of fitness. Woman goes from 150 to 380 in a year or woman has baby and 20yrs after having child still hasn’t “recovered” from the baby weight. Now ladies once again let me defend you in this, us men are NO different. I look at some of my boys who are married and they went from hardened gym studs to fat lazy pieces of shit. You have no reason to not have fried meat pizza night with your lover cause you both don’t care. I’m not mad at either of you. If he’s not in shape there is nothing he can say to justify why he wants you to be and any argument away from that is bullshit. But ladies if your man met you at 150lbs and you followed all of Beyonce’s instructions and he put a ring on it then that’s no excuse to just stop everything. He was attracted to you that night in the bar because of that body and that face. If you lose that body what makes you think he shouldn’t be a little bit bitter? He didn’t sign up for Rosie O’ Donnell, he signed up for Jennifer Aniston. The same way you want to be courted and treated the same way you were when you guys first started dating is the same way he wants SOME semblance of what he met that night as well. I’m not saying not to gain weight or you cant let go here and there, I love a woman who can eat with me on my bad days as well…..lets get a large pizza and coke soda and speak ill of our friends tonight. Absolutely. But lets not forget ourselves in the process. Lets do it together and stay healthy and look good for ourselves and each other. Cause trust me if your dude is gymming hard and doing his thing and your home making excuses he wont care about your looming insecurities because of your choices.
9. Forgive us or leave us alone.
Yes, yes I know I shouldn’t have made that comment about your sister and her four different baby daddies. My bad. And I know I messed up when you broke into my phone and saw those boob pictures of Charlotte from Accounting. But once we have that 14-day conversation about it could you please let it go? There is NOTHING more annoying than a woman who says she’s over it and 7 years later you just happen to put your phone face down without thinking and she goes “must not want me to see those dirty pics from that Charlotte bitch right? Whatever, nigga!”. That may be cute for Stebie and Joseline but its not cute in real life. Its annoying. Now understand if you wanna leave then leave. I get it, those pictures have implications. But if you’re going to stay or take me back then after the initial month of you “dealing with it” please in the name of White Jesus let it go. There is nothing in this world more dangerous than a man trying to do right who keeps being reminded of all of his wrongs cause ya know what? He’s gonna go find something wrong to do since he’ll be nagged about something anyway. And that’s not a threat that’s reality.
10. Do unto us you we do unto you.
Ask any man what would be the first thing that ran through their mind if their wife or girlfriend called them and said “Hey baby, when you get home shower up and put on some clothes, we’re going to your favorite bar to get toasted then have nasty sex later.” 97% of men would think it was a trick and probably run. Know why they would get scared? Cause women don’t do that. Oh you think you’re treating us by making us dress up and going to a fancy restaurant and you pay and tell us “its your night baby…..have whatever you want!”?. Guess what, WE NEVER ASKED FOR THAT. Quick question, when your dude goes out with his boys, do they go to Lucianos for a few glasses of wine and tapas? Or do they go to their favorite pub for wings and beer and then come home stink of it poking you in the butt to see if you’re up? I’m guessing the later. The average guy just wants to go out and have a good time and on the odd occasion as much as he wants to be with his boys he’d also love to do that with you. Yes I know his favorite bar wreaks of Guiness and bad decisions, but go. I know the wings don’t come with a toilet and everything there is deep fried and laden with carbs but for this one moment chill and have a few shots with your dude. Talk about nothing, make fun of the fat couple in the corner with too many appetizers. Talk shit about mutual friends and how much better your relationship is than theirs. And get drunk….not sloppy bringing up Charlotte again and crying drunk, but fun drunk that leads to nasty sex. Know why this is is important? Cause that’s what all those other women after your dude would do and that’s where they hang out. Again this isn’t about you, its about him. Trust me when I say if you do this once every three months or so he’ll sit with you through every cheesy dinner Olivia Pope convinced you was sexy. I promise.
Now ladies I by no means think these tips will make your man stay, if you married or you’re dating a cheater or loser then he’s going to be that. But you know what, if you’re with a guy who is worth a damn then these 10 tips will keep that dudes attention and even maybe, just maybe, make that relationship last a bit longer. Blessed are the strong, kids.