5 Places Most Bahamians Have Had Sex (And That’s Ok)
Know my favorite thing about writing these articles? It’s not the comments or likes or stressing John and Renaldo out every time lawyers reach out to ask them to take down an article about a certain…..let’s call them, ”tribal” school….their name rhymes with “Stack”.
Nah, I DO enjoy stressing Nal and John out. But the absolute best part for me is writing things and NO ONE commenting or liking it but it has a shit ton of views. That’s my favorite. It means I made niggas and women so uncomfortable they couldn’t be counted in the number of people that showed any evidence of supporting and or acknowledging what I said. It’s the best part of this gig. And with this topic? NO woman about to say yay or nay to this shit. But trust they right there readin like….
I’m not saying people had sex at ALL these spots. I’m just saying y’all know what the fuck I’m talking about and maybe y’all had sex at at least one of em.
Behind Stokes House
Let me be clear: I do not know who Stokes is. My mother tried to explain him to me and I just tuned her out as I was reminiscing about the night before where I definitely got caught by police engaging in fornication with someone’s daughter.
For the uninitiated….
Behind this house was a narrow sandy path parallel to the goddamn beach. You would drive in the back there in your moms Jeep, play some Jodeci, have a Wendy’s combo somewhere close because one gets peckish when you’re doing crime. And the real Wendy’s too….
Paint if you will a picture: Friday night. Just leave from Waterloo….and not this new Waterloo. This new Waterloo is fancy. I mean stabby Waterloo where you risked it all but the stabbings made the music better somehow….can’t listen to Capleton’s “Slew Dem” without bloodlust in the air.
But I digress.
You take your little thing and step outside for some “Fresh air”. Leave her friends, take her for a drive on the eastern road. Oh look…how we end up by Stokes House? Who would have thunk?
Now y’all parked up.
She gives you some sugar….little quick tongue kiss for the culture. You beg, she consents. Quick little 1,2. And now you’re heading back to Waterloo cause her friends paging her “911”. Ladies and gentleman that’s what was called in our day, “A quality night”. Women who get juice in the back of Stokes house are mothers and wives now and I think that’s beautiful.
Sadly that area was smartly blocked off so now you can only go to the beach and, I don’t know….enjoy your family and loved ones I guess. Anyway, Brave gotta go cause that spot was open and we were free to illegally fornicate in the moonlight in our mommy car during the Christie administration.
RIP to a real one.
I’m not naming no hoods. I’m not naming ANY ghettos. You KNOW when you in the ghetto. You heard them shots and you knew the danger involved. Men AND women cause I for sure was in a situation where I had to gauge where them bullets was coming from mid stroke. To the person you’re with, in the ghetto, the sex looks like this….
Inside? When you hear all them weird sirens and breaking glass and yelling?
Thing about it is, none of us NOW would do this shit. The reality of life and how fragile it is has sunk in. We have kids and responsibilities and work…..can’t be takin them chances. But when you were young and unafraid with no anxiety or anything to lose?
I can’t speak for the ladies but as a warm blooded Bahamian man? My fat ass had to take what I could get. I couldn’t be picky about location.
Know what was even more stupid about ALL this danger we put ourselves in? WE BRAGGED ABOUT THE SHIT. ESPECIALLY niggas.
Fucking love the ghetto tho. Cool ass people. Great food. And something about your car potentially being broken into or physical harm being around the corner made the sex hit different. But maybe that’s just me.
On The Beach
….something about that strip of beach out west from the Caves straight down to Goodman’s bay. It’s like it calls you to juice there….like a siren’s song calling ships to their certain demise.
So anyway, me and my gf at the time went to the beach across from Orange Hill and did just that.
(At some point we need to have the conversation about how terrible Shower/Ocean sex is but now’s not the time for that.)
To be clear, it happened in the ocean. We used “My gf is hugging me extra long with her legs around my waist” technique.
A tried and proven method within the culture.
I thought I was doin some gangsta shit until I found out niggas was legit having sex on the sand like some goddamn episode of Renegade. Only Lorenzo Lamas can pull off those feats.
Salute to those women who got the Ph balance of their vaginas forever changed due to sand and salty water/air entering your vaginas during night time beach sex with the man you thought would be your forever. Y’all the real legends. Who would we be without you?
Love y’all bad for that.
In a Honda, Altima or Ford Explorer/Expedition
Pick one. Cause ya had sex in one of em. And I ordered that in terms of success. Niggas in Hondas? Typically criminals or private school niggas who grammy live in the hood so they try play fake tough but really they pussy but they drive like this….
Y’all knew the type.
Had some goofy nickname like “Toones”. Don’t mind these professional women. Some of them had sex in the back seat of a Honda while their not-as-cute-as-them friend kept the other guys company which included the worst small talk of all time and her not giving him a morsel of vagina.
Salute to that female friend AND male friend because they were EXTREMELY important to the community. It takes a lot to look in the rearview to see your boy finger banging a girl in the back seat while simultaneously pulling her tongue out of her mouth and just trying to find somewhere to drive so he completes his mission AND talk to her boring ass friend.
Meanwhile, in the backseat….
Altimas had GREAT backseat space. You could make love in an Altima back seat. Like, really be tender. But them Ford Explorers/Expeditions? You could have an orgy in them bitches. Lay a comforter down, have a light meal, maybe some Carla Rassi because why not?
I know the basic thought on car sex on the island is that if you do do it your car won’t last long but….SO worth it.
At Your/Someone Parents House
Can we be honest for a sec? Who among us haven’t, when we were younger, invited a paramore over because mommy and daddy were at work and you knew their schedule and even if they came home you, “know what it sound like when they reach”. We’ve all heard that line from a highly suspicious sexual encounter in a foreign home.
I have been, in my youth, in some STICKY situations. What always blew my mind were the girls who were actually allowed to have boys IN the house. Parents come home and your dick on BRICK and she introducing you like you the child of a risen savior.
I’ve been on some couches, don’t act like you haven’t.
Don’t pretend like you ladies didn’t think the bed was “too much” but getting grind to powder on your mommy settee was the exact amount of danger that you needed at that time. Gals would literally shut shit DOWN if you suggested y’all move to a secondary location.
Shit was confusing but memories were made nonetheless.
We did what we had to do before we rented apartments, got a mortgage or could afford Airbnb’s. Kids, don’t let your parents gas you into thinking they were saints.
Yes, your mother probably got bent over in RND Prince Charles parking lot.
Yes, your father probably got some sloppy toppy in The Zoo Parking lot.
Absolutely one of your parents did/got some finger banging in the middle of Cocktails N Dreams on government worker night.
And you’re goddamn right some adult you know had a birthday sleepover at Nassau Beach hotel where the most awkward impromptu orgy took place.
But now, look at us. White collared jobs. Bosses. Successful. We really came off them beaches, from the back of Stokes house and out them Hondas unraped and alive!
We did that shit.
I love that for us….Be safe tho
St Annes Cemetery
Youth Choir church trips
RND Cinemas (pick one)
Galleria Cinemas (Pick one)
Hotel Parking Lots
Random parking lots/spaces over PI
Kingsway: “Likers hill”
“Somewhere on Carmichael”
Marathon Mall Parking lot
Town Center Mall Parking Lot
Governor General Youth Awards out island field trips