The 2022 Bahamian Social Media Awards (And the winners are….)

By Drew

I’m sorry but if you think social media presence has nothing to do with your location, race or ideology then you have not been paying attention. I think I’m very much allowed to single us out because you KNOW a Bahamian Facebook post when you see one. We even think we know our waters from everyone else’s water.

“Oh this in The Bahamas! Ya could tell by the water: only our water pretty so” lol…anyway this the Maldives but y’all be blessed (Just’s Exuma. I shame)

We are a unique people….some of us a little less unique and more “high functioning Sandilands patient drunk off brunch mimosas”. But, for the most part, we are a very entertaining people. And I, who don’t post anything but nonsense and 10ys shit, thoroughly enjoy y’all being clinically insane. I be in bed laid up like a whole gal just vibing to y’all freakin out.

“…looka Allan Pachino Wallace bout to do a portrait of the Queen with 82 cents, a shattered bottle of vitamalt and a 3 piece spicy. This nigga good at art, bey!” #HeShouldHaveBeenMinisterOfArt

And, unlike these Bahamian award shows where we KNOW all the usual suspects who are gonna either get nominated or win within that incestuous community….know who picks these winners?

Y’all. Y’all decide.

….because violence should be democratic, never oligarchic.

So….lets get messy….

Platform: Facebook

Award: “That nigga/gal who under everyone post so ya have to wonder if they have a job” Award

Don’t play dumb. Y’all know exactly who I mean. That one person who, as you scroll Facebook, they have a fucking opinion on EVERY topic under SEVERAL posts to the point you wanna ask…

“Every topic? My nigga EVERY TOPIC? You wildin at 6:12am over a Cardi B song, beloved?”

Y’all ever see someone so active on facebook you wonder if they a virgin or just can’t pull women/niggas? You really wanna sit them down, rub their shoulders and softly whisper in their ears…

“My sister in Christ, respectfully, when last you get grind to powder? All these hard opinions but no hard penis at home, babygirl?”

I’m not saying sex should distract you ALL day but I just can’t see how you can maintain a healthy relationship and be that active on Facebook is all. Maybe y’all have spouses, perhaps Chante indeed DOES have a man at home. Perhaps these weird niggas have a whole woman in their bed. Impossible that she happy. Nigga in bed like…

“OMG, babe! Ricky just responded to my reply under this thread in the “Vocal Bahamians” group….things getting SPICY! You misewell go sleep cause this looks like an all nighter!”

If your nigga has “all nighters” in Facebook groups then ask your doctor if cheating on that nigga aggressively is a good option for you.

I sometimes try to imagine what it’s like for them and what their office/homes must be like. It’s no way they just on a laptop or phone. It has to be some type of center or like a lab.

“LOL…I love this video I saw this when it first came out.”
“I hate this pharmacy shit so lemme explain at length how I feel bout this…”
“LMAOOO this look like a good party but why I wasn’t invited? Y’all fake”
“Let me tell y’all a too long story about my life under a post that has nothing to do with me”

Y’all HAVE to be tired…..and because of this effort and in lieu of your exhaustion…congratulations!! We wanna thank y’all for all that content cause we all discuss you in person and it’s a great ice breaker!

“Bey, Jason on your Facebook?….BEY….WHY IS HE LIKE THAT?? LMAO…I thought only I thought he was fucking crazy!”

…and just like that….a friend was made.

Never change, and thanks again!

Platform: Whatsapp (Group Chat)

Award: The “We having a discussion but you insist on sending goddamn 6 minute voicenotes and we don’t understand why” Award

Let me get this straight: You saw everyone typing… even says in the lil whatsapp box above “Andrew is typing…”.

It says it.

I seent it say it.

You saw everyone just getting off in the group….TYPING. But you thought your message was so special and groundbreaking that we wanted…nay…..NEEDED your fucking sermon? And the topic don’t even be that heavy. Niggas could be arguing about if they could fight a Gorilla and here come this person…


You fucking up the vibe, beloved. 15-30 second voicenotes MAX. We be tryna get these jokes off and keep up with shit and here come Voicenote Veronica with her morality and values in the middle of a male vs female playful sex row.

“First off the bible says, “Lest a woman want her tongue and mouth to corrode in sin, let not a penis reside within” and if we fully disregard Songs Of Solomon we can further unpack…” – Voicenote Veronica

But again, I’ve made friends in groups from side messages of, “Why they just don’t shut the fuck up?”


Y’all bringing people together in their mutual disdain for you….you are appreciated!

Platform: Instagram

Award: The “Why is THIS on your close friends tho? This ain even that deep” Award

Why you have me feelin special when I see your green circle, I click on it, and it’s you frying chicken?

No…..don’t scroll past this I’m talking to you.

Look at me.


I’m thinkin I’m about to see you and your nigga runnin a train on a woman of ill repute but you whisperin on Instagram over chicken leg quarters, beloved? That feel right to you? Une shame? Who you hidin this chicken from? What’s THAT conversation in your head?

“Lemme post this bomb ass lemon pepper chicken from pinterest cause I know who NOT seeing this culinary glow up and its that bitch Bethany….her stink fuckin ass”

You not hurting Bethany tho. You hurting us. I got lesbians and gay niggas on my Instagram who gotta stay low cause Bahamians are fucking stupid and messy so their green circles be LIT. I love a “I supposed to be to work but look where I is” close friends story. Even the criminals on the timeline that post $462 in 20’s on a bed next to a AK47…LOVE IT.

But not you. You out here on some….

“Your girl chef’d up tonight y’all! #SheCooksTo”

Beloved….if your green circle ain givin this…

….sis throwin that ass on bro tho. She on demon time. Not a condom in sight. Just vibes.

…then just post ya dry ass stories and let’s move on with our day.

But ya know what, I’m sure you have your reasons so go off, young king/queen. Just know ise be mad EVERY time. Thanks tho, you tried.

Platform: Facebook

Award: The “…but no one even ask you all this personal shit tho” Award

Y’all have anyone on y’all facebook who is work hard to let all 3,000 of their followers into their personal lives and no one knows why OR asked for the information they gave you? And they don’t hit you with the juicy shit. Say what you like about the ghetto Bahamian side of Facebook, their shit be SPICY. Chardonnay them be on some….


….leaving us like….

“This is extremely problematic behavior probably stemming from years of mental trauma but let me scroll through this comment section for hours to fully understand the tea this evening!”

Not y’all.

Y’all get on Brent Symonette internet to discuss this shit….

“I remember I was dating this guy and his hands were small. It always bothered me but I got over it because my mother always told me small hands create lands. We broke up because we didn’t get along in the end but that taught me that maybe small hands don’t create lands. Anyway I just thought I’d share. Hope everyone’s having an amazing Sunday!”



And yes, I know what y’all ga say, “Andrew just keep scrollin you wildin right now”. You are absolutely correct.

And I do.

I don’t go under the post and say what I really wanna say tho I think one day I just might cause I tired, bey.

“Good day….you know no one gives a fuck and these are pity likes right? Like….you….you know that right?”

Sigh….but you bring all them people to your page to lie about your story being interesting so here we are… too are thanked. Which actually brings me to another award….

Platform: Instagram/Facebook

Award: The “We’re all thinking the same thing about this person/influencer but we don’t wanna look like haters so we ga like the post but deep down we think you shitty at life” Award

Oh I see y’all.

I TALK to y’all.

Y’all can’t stand MOST these influencers. Tell the truth. If the Bahamas had 100 influencers y’all like 10 of em and they probably the 10 I like too. Harrison don’t bother no one. All Kedar wan do is travel and make your nigga look like sense for once. All Schin wan do is make videos, grow his hair out and be confused about what the fuck goin on in this country and why ween checkin.

Every time I see a thumbnail of his videos he look like he so tired of us being dumb. Lol (He’s not wrong tho)

We stan these unproblematic kings.

But all these used to be funny people who now fighting for their life to be relevant so they either start ALL the way running out or just plain getting outta character to garner the applause from days of yore? They gotta relax…

“Hi guys! So I wanna examine the differences between 3rd wave and 4th wave feminism within the caribbean diaspora and its impacts on afro caribbean women at large. Sorry I look a mess lol”

And 3,000 of y’all hit “like” on that shit then be in Sapodilla talkin bout…

“GIRL I SAW THE VIDEO. It was A LOT but if she like it I love it but I just don’t know if SHE should be the messenger for this topic but anywho!” #YouStillHitLikeTho

And don’t get it twisted, I do the EXACT same thing. I can NOT judge. I be out here likin people pics who I know ain shit AND broke but hey….if all this comes crumbling down and they really have to sit with their thoughts, the perpetual march of father time, their failures and the increasingly cold reality that being “popular” on an island that’s 21/7 tryna live off of “likes” ain ga feed them pitbulls you raising long term then they MAY do some crazy shit like…..I don’t know…..fucking stop.

But, no worries. We ga keep likin them shits till y’all “take time away from social media” to “figure some things out”

…wink wink….

I get it. Godspeed. Awards for you too.

Platform: Facebook/Instagram

Award: The “Who the fuck ask for this fat nigga Drew’s opinion or 10ys in the first place?” Award

I sittin my fat behind here bitch, moaning, and complaining about how people do things no one asked for meanwhile, the whole of 10th Year Seniors brand is “We decided y’all needed and would like this content so, here….you’re welcome, niggas”.

That’s literally the stance John and Nal came up with.

Y’all ain ask for NO sports shit. Not a single person said…

“Know what the culture need right now? No No not progressive political dialogue about how to make this country livable….podcasts. It needs podcasts from 10 niggas with NOTHING to do”

NO ONE asked for that. Especially me when Dakarai calls me to do a Dakarai ass podcast.

“Bey…let’s do a podcast on If Breathing is woke in this post canceled Kanye culture…lets do it at 10pm”

None of you asked for John to record your children doing sports, for Randy and Nal them to discuss those sports or for the False God Ricardo Wells to softly explain why Kobe Bryant is the greatest Basketball player to ever live. Alexis is try explain wrestling to y’all and not a single one of you requested it. And y’all definitely didn’t ask for my bullshit articles filled with broad generalizations, derogatory language and salacious and often times inappropriate themes….so we’ll take that award. Gladly!

Why “gladly”?

Because here you are.


Be safe tho