The 6 Types Of Bahamian Couples (And Why They Matter)

By Drew

I’ve been in about 10 weddings in 10 years. Which means once every year I’ve had to do the song and dance of outfits, wedding planning, dress rehearsals, praying to Christ Jesus the bridesmaids ain ogly and having to wear…….sigh……shoes.

This year, thank God, I am in 0 weddings.

“Shhhhh….rest well, my pretties. There’ll be no tight shoes and slow walking up aisles for you this year. Rest and be at peace. #LoveMyKids #FlipFlopsForever”

Needless to say, as an unmarried wedding aficionado, I’ve seen enough to where I can identify the energy of certain couples from a mile away and I’ve counted 6 that we need to acknowledge.

The “Thank God They Together” Couple

Y’all ever met a couple so terrible as people, so fucking vile as human beings individually, that when you heard they were getting married you was like, “Yes…..fucking, YES!!”. Y’all love to think, “there’s a lid for every pot” means ogly people will find love too.

Not true.

Stop telling people they ga be happy and there’s someone out there for them. Plenty of y’all ga die alone.

Especially this piece of shit. If it wasn’t for Kaizen I’m not sure Jesus would have had to die for HIS sins too. #JesusDiedForEveryoneButHim

I think that nursery rhyme is for aint shit niggas finding aint shit gals and they just be assholes together in holy matrimony. And we should be fucking GRATEFUL that they found each other. Its like Future marrying Kim Kardashian. Y’all wouldn’t be happy to get them BOTH off the streets wreaking havoc?

This is what the world would look like if they got married and left us all alone #Utopia

Ween gotta call names but y’all can name at least one couple where y’all be like….

“I mean he a asshole and she a bitch….shit…..least they can’t hurt anyone anymore”

Thank y’all for finding each other, bey, honestly. God is good all the time and all the time??


The Partiers

I love them but I hate them cause I’m an introvert and I genuinely loathe people because I’m a Capricorn first. Irony is I’m a great time.

Like….I’m legit loads of fun when I’m actually out.

So this couple comes in handy when I actually wanna see the light of day.

Above: me seeing the light of day

This is the couple that sets realistic social goals and are unapologetic about it.

Their Instagram is lit.

They always on some boat or plane or at some sexy brunch. You know they not lying cause their occupations are well known and documented so you know they not just doing it for the gram. And, boy, I felt bad for the lyin ass fake Instagram “influencers” during covid.

They was stressed without them likes.

The SECOND outside was kinda open they was on some….

“I am so blessed I can show my naked body for the applause so my daddy issues are well fed because therapy is expensive and tough to be alive! #iLiveWhereYouVacation #LookHowNotFatIam”

Nah they not that.

They the ones living their best life and refuse to let this word “marriage” box them in to being some old fogies who just work, go home, not fuck…..repeat.

Shoutout to y’all.

You’re inspiring…….but to my future wife, just know….thine me. We partying once a month if that. We ga be Netflix and fucking WELL into our marriage…..Pizza, wings, scotch and dick…this I promise you. Selah

The “My Kids Are Everything” Couple

This one is tricky cause there are 2 types of these folks. There are the ones that are looking out for their future and LOOK at their kids as their pension plan. Which, let me tell ya, the way these lil niggas getting drafted for baseball, I don’t blame y’all.

I’d be out by Freedom Farm WILDIN.

“That’s my son….Pension Piccolo Bain. Super proud of him. His brother, Lyford Cay, also plays baseball too as well.”

I encourage all couples with kids to get their kids involved in sports cause bruh….it pays off. And blah blah self esteem and blah blah confidence but I want the box seats fuck y’all.

“Lol….look at those poors that didn’t invest in their kids…lol. Anyway…RUN PENSION!! RUN!!”

Then there are the parents that….ummm….do a little too much.

The mother always looks like this….

This is what unconditional love looks like

And the father perpetually looks like this when you ask him how things are going…

“They….they took everything from me….EVERYTHING!”

And they always on a schedule. Like….they always have something to do. I never understood that. It’s almost as if if they don’t have errands then they’ll have to sit down and realize how broken and sexless their marriage is and then what?…..go see Harrison like some kind of sinner?

“…lightskin Harrison Thompson? Lol No, baby Jesus is my counsellor and God is my therapist but you drink a lot so maybe…..”
“Knock knock…its Karen, nigga. So Jeffrey left, the kids are in college and my vagina hairs have now locked….like…my pussy looks like a blind Damian Marley so….”

I mean if you like it I love it…ain ga be me tho. #Respectfully

The “Fuck Them Kids” Couple

Let me be super clear here: their mentality is not LITERALLY “fuck them kids”. But its lowkey “fuck them kids”. This is the honest married couple with kids. They tell you the actual truth about being a parent. The couple above? Oh they lie….they tell lies from the pit of Satans asshole.

“Oh my God who would I be without Susie, Jeff Jr, Janice, Patrice, Kyla and John? I wake up to them and fall asleep to them and I would not be the woman I am without them!!!”

…nah not this crew. They tell it like it is…

“I love lil Raekwon with all my heart and soul. I will bleed for this nigga, you hear me? But if I could go back in time and not drink that Hennessy and apple juice that night….”

They happily drop lil Plan C off to their parents for the weekend so they can smoke weed, have sex and be alone together. Its beautiful to see cause the party couple has NOTHING on this couple. The party couple used to having fun. These set?


“…….so I may have some ecstasy. Ine saying we should do it but the kids ain back till Mondee….I mean….#ItsLit”

Love y’all bad and I hope y’all ok, bey.

The Cheaters

I love this crew cause on paper it all looks perfect and happy and right. Ever see someone’s social media and you like “Bey he is post his wife a lot….”. Then you sitting next to your girl/wife, that you NEVER post and she lookin at you like,


Now, am I saying people who post their spouses a lot cheat? Nah….I know several couples deeply in love that post a lot and I know people that post nothing and both groups are happy. HOWEVER….be weary of that crew that post when they SUPPOSED to post. Y’all know the set…you can schedule them posts like clockwork.

Valentines come….

“5years ago today….thank you for being the bane of my existence. I literally think God put you on earth to punish man for his sins you cantankerous harpy mine, babe! #LoveWins”

But then, one quiet evening, you’re at your little neighborhood bar, minding your business and….

“Hold on….thine Katrina…wait…..WAIT…..NOOOO, BEY”

Now you gotta text YOUR spouse on some….

“BABE…no, fuck them kids I have tea. Biiiiiiiiiiiitch guess who at the bar!!!”

Here’s the thing, if it’s the guy cheating then we gotta abide by code: No snitching. I have several female friends and if y’all reading this I need y’all to know…..

This is the way #Respectfully

I don’t care if this nigga have his dick out and she is handling it in plain view while keeping constant eye contact with me. I’ll be over here like…

“Whew….this water hitting tonight. Is this ice new? Are y’all using new ice?” #IneSeeShit

They almost my fav couple cause they BOF cheatin. BOF them ain shit. But hey….if y’all willin to stay together for whatever reason then understand I grew up eating fry sausage sandwich with bread and no condiments who am I to judge?

Do you.

The Adventurers

I hate and love this couple in equal parts. I hate them cause they always inviting you to either eat or do dumb shit that they know my fat black ass is not going to do. I think they are mocking me half the time.

“Wanna fuck with Andrew and ask him if he wants to go on a hike through the Bahamar swamps and eat from the land for the weekend?lol….call him”

Will y’all just….stop? This is the couple that say wild shit cavalierly like they ain doin wild exotic shit for no reason. You’ll have them over for dinner and they talkin shit like…

“OMG Greg, tell Drew about what we did last week in Sarajevo….Drew have you ever had bison pizza sliders from Sarajevo?”

Then they invite you places they KNOW you can’t afford in a time in which you cant even save to AFFORD the shit THEY invited you too.

“Listen, Next week Monday we’re going to Antarctica for the weekend and we’d love if you guys can come.” #iDon’tHaveAntarticaMoneyNigga #TheFuck?

They lowkey fun tho cause they bring great and weird gifts and their pictures always lit. They’re good to have around for the “My kids are everything” couple cause it keeps them entertained while the cheating couples fires off a few booty call texts while everyones distracted. The partying couple uses them as a springboard to discuss where all they’ve partied globally. The “fuck them kids” couple meanwhile are pouring drinks and shots ignoring EVERYTHING they’re saying. And the “Thank God they’re together” couple? Lol….y’all is invite them out aye?


Be safe tho