The Great Bahamian Zombie Apocalypse (And Why We Ga Die)

By Drew

Nal and I have theories on how this world will end. I am of the opinion that the robots will reveal their dormant sentience and systematically kill us with extreme prejudice. It’s the theory that made the most sense for years and I have my receipts.

The fact that this pee my bed nightmare of a news story didn’t make headlines speaks volumes #WeGaDie

Nal on the other hand is convinced that there will be a zombie apocalypse and has already run several hypotheticals by me all of which end with him saying, “….so this why we can’t stop gymming bey”.

“Gymming”…..a word and action I miss.

There is not a human woman alive that could ever be as sexy as an empty gym. #MissYouBaby

So, when March rolled around and we realized we were in a pandemic, and while watching you people do shit for 10 months, it was clear that we would all be dead in an actual zombie apocalypse and we need to talk about it.

If I’m being honest, I haven’t been the best during this pandemic. I did a lot of stupid shit early on. I wasn’t wearing my mask when I left home, and when I did I was wearing it wrong. It was a combination of being ignorant and not wanting to have to cover my beard because that was important to me at the time.

Apparently I wasn’t alone.

Look how karen tryna assassinate her parents and grandparents with her Covid Breath. #KarenWhy?

It took me about 72hrs of my mother constantly fixing my mask that I learned that nose AND mouth had to be covered. That was me in the beginning of March.

So, how?

How in the cinnamon toast fuck have y’all not figured this out yet?

March was a bly.

NO ONE knew what was going on. It wasn’t like we were all medical practitioners and just knew how to wear surgical masks properly…..I was kinda alarmed by the washing hands thing tho I won’t lie. I was legit confused like…..

…so you just gonna shake niggas hands with curry, doo doo juice and dick skin on your hands? Washing hands was new to niggas? Lol Wild.

And trust me, I get it.

Once we got in the swing of things these hand sanitizers been smelling lil Hennessey mixed with Detol’ish. Niggas out here putting 151 and green rubbing alcohol in Aquapure bottles with a spray nozzle talking bout “Hand Sanitizer”.


I didn’t get THIS black out drunk  from the 99-2000’s to NOT know that that’s Carlo Rossi and bleach in your spray bottle. #TooSoon?

Here’s the plot twist: My mother, who is a nurse (cause you never stop being a nurse really) told me that when she was practicing in Germany they would use strong as shit vodka and or very strong hard rum to disinfect wounds if they ran out of the proper sanitizers and disinfectants. Come to find out niggas were ahead of the curve… the most ghetto yet cost effective way ever.

To be fair to them….

…this shit costs $2.25 for a 40 ounce so it probably cures cancer or AIDS. Barton Vodka may or may not cure AIDS. #I’mWrongButAmIWrongTho?

And this is how I know we would die from the Zombies. They didn’t ask us to find ways to hunt wild pigeons or potcakes or some shit like they do, I assume, in The Walking Dead …

I never watched it but I just assume we would be hunting potcakes and y’all toy dogs for nourishment. #iWillEatYourDog

They didn’t ask us to run from an undead mass force. They said, “wear a mask and wash your hands”.

That’s it.

That’s how we fight the not-zombie pandemic. And looka y’all….just look at y’all.

This y’all in Charms. Zombies would have had a buffet in that bitch for free. Ain even had to chase y’all down.

I know us.

Y’all would be on some…

“Noooo, girl. The arm and ass eating Zombies is be mostly central. Club we going to out West. The nice Zombies out west. They may nibble on ya finger but otherwise we good” – This y’all?

And maybe that’s the problem.

Maybe this virus, god forbid, needs to evolve to another level of pants shittingly epic proportions for y’all to get it through your skulls that WE ARE IN A PANDEMIC. I legit think y’all need real zombies to visit y’all like Jehovah’s witnesses to get y’all to wake up….

“Good day, we noticed you don’t have a mask on outdoors. We’d like to talk to you about eating your face off as a prize for your bold stance and “bravery”

Wear your mask, OVER both nose AND mouth whenever you’re in public AND around your elders. Wash your hands whenever you can and sanitize your hands when you enter ANY and EVERY establishment. Yes, that includes your sweethearts house as well, the fuck?

Half y’all sweethearts livin like this but this your “refuge” and une wan wash your hand? Lol….K

Don’t be the one woman or man that causes the survivors to wonder if you’re hiding a zombie bite mark or not. Cause, speaking for 10thYearSeniors, we have been preparing for both the robot and the zombie apocalypse.

It’s the zombies turn now, we’re ready…..are you?

(Please) Be Safe tho