Bahamians Do Not Know How To Date (And We Need To Learn)

By Drew

Mother nature is a cruel mistress. Can you imagine if a woman decided that the next man to get her pregnant, let alone have sex with her, was to be determined based on physical strength, stamina and pure testosterone? How packed would the gym would be? How different would men act?

“Look at my muscular arms……may I have a morsel of cunny now please? #JustAMorsel #MannersMakeTheMan

Fortunately for men, we don’t need to be physically fit, prove that we can run a gazelle down, capture it, kill it and then drag it home…..every day. Nope. In the Bahamas just have a job, be slightly normal and have a data plan and women now will let shit go….

“Your drug convictions, 5 baby mamas, chewing with your mouth open and referring to denim as “jeans pants” aside……are you open to marriage or…..?”

Relationships have now grown so polarizing that it’s either “we goin” or “we’re not going”. There is no nuance and that’s why we need to discuss and realize Bahamians really have no idea how to date.

Did….did y’all know women can have sex with multiple men whilst dating multiple men and that’s perfectly ok? I lowkey used to word “whilst” so it would hit different. Ladies, maybe use that word when you break the news to the guy you sent this article to that he aint the only nigga on the team.

“Whilst dating you I’ve sampled and enjoyed several penises. Some larger than yours but thats neither here nor there” #HowToBreakABellyDown101

Bahamian men and Bahamian society at large has demonized women doing….umm….what men do.

I’m lying?

 Show me the difference between this….

Pictured above: Sarah, who is single and has had 15 sexual partners in 6 months

…and this….

Pictured above: Sam, who is single and has had 15 sexual partners in 6 months

If we’re telling the truth….

Pam ain ever lied except that time she kissed Jim on the boat when she was engaged ine forget

We have to start at equality if we’re gonna have an honest conversation about dating. If a woman is single she is allowed to fuck with as MANY niggas as she wants. We can’t praise men for doing what women have to do in secret for fear of public backlash.

…yes, ladies. You heard me.

I know y’all doing it in secret. Lets not pretend y’all ain out here pimpin on the same level as these niggas.

Yes, fellas.

That chick you won’t commit to or keep canceling on or been flaky with? She has a nigga she has sex with that either has quality non committal penis, or is her ex who she feels safe with but really don’t wanna be in a relationship with.

Look at niggas…lol

lol….wait till you find out how often he is hit it and how heen spend half of what you did but anyway….lemme get back to this article….

But she’s allowed to do that because fuck you thought, beloved?

That being said, ladies….y’all need to get your shit together too. If a dude says he’s dating around and doesn’t wanna be serious DOES NOT mean he’s a “fuckboy” or a “piece of shit” AFTER you have sex with him thinking your vagina was special enough to change his mind. Don’t let your vagina write a check your heart can’t cash is all I’m saying. A lot of y’all signed up for non committal penis and tried to sneak your heart in there “Just in case”.

“What happen to #HotGirlSummer, Bethany? How your feelings end up in my pants? #ArthurLowkeyARealNigga

If that nigga let you know ahead of time he’s doing his thing and you decided to catch feelings under the impression that you could “fix” him, then at that point you’re not the victim you portray yourself to be: You’re a volunteer.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one….

Him: “Before we get into anything serious, just a heads up…I’m seeing other people and just doing me right now but I’d love to get to know you. Ultimately the choice is yours”

Her: “I’m a strong independent woman that don’t need no man so this is perfect THANKYOUVERYMUCH”

*Sees him at Latitudes with another woman*


Close ya mouth before you catch even more feelings he didn’t ask for flies

So, now that we have that out the way, and because I’m a terrible writer: Let’s (finally) define what dating is….in layman terms.

Dating is when 2 people agree to get to know each other with no strings attached until they both decide to have sex, take it to the next level or just call it quits because they aren’t well matched. There is no commitment, no ownership and no obligations attached. You can date as many people you want as long as they’re aware of the situation.

Its flirting with the idea of a person while trying to decide on what level they deserve to be in your life. Kinda like if the Christian council was a person…

The Christian council, flirting with rampant peodophilia on the island but not taking it too seriously. #Meh #MaybeOneDayButNotToday


The Christian council, not speaking to Dorian cause she’s just not as provocative as a “Carnival” or a “Numbers” situation. #WontGetTheLikes

…and now…

Ah yes….they have decided to commit themselves to the gay issue fully as its their one and only focus…

Hey….if you love it let it kill ya….but I digress.

The point is, it’s perfectly fine to have multiple options on the table as long as those options are aware they aren’t the only one. Why waste time with one person when you could date multiple people and then choose what fits the best? It’s literally why that nigga from the Bush Cook is always stressed out trying to come up with something new cause y’all niggas picky as hell and love new tings.

“Ok so last week Wednesday was the Peter TUrnquest Burger that no one could afford…..this week lets do a Romi Ferreira Donkey Burger topped with mutton and 3 chicken strips.” #LowkeySoundsDeliciousTho

So if y’all are this picky with your food why aren’t you this picky with your spouse?

Half these married people are only STILL married because 1) its illegal to kill your spouse and 2) they settled and now stuck with kids/mortgage/broken dreams.

If most of these people had actually taken the time out to date and not settle on the one person that kinda made sense at the time, trust me our divorce rate would be MUCH lower. Single Bahamians over 30 get real cocky when that man or woman that they tried to go after, but shot them down for the next person, get in their DM’s…..they get REAL spicy.

“…ummmm, I wanted you 1 marriage and 3 kids ago, hun! I’m sorry your nigga shitty but I’m good, luv. Enjoy!” #BeSafeTho

Also, women, cut out this timeline shit. Its 2019…..there is nothing wrong with being over 30 and single. Shit…some of y’all shoulda stayed single till y’all was 40. Now I know that’s easy for me to say because blah blah mens eggs don’t turn into Endgame dust and blah blah society.

My response to that is, who cares?

Listen, if you’re over 30 and your mother still holds sway in your dating life then you have FAR bigger issues than getting married as fast as you can. But if you are employed, hydrated, healthy, living your life, edges in order, car full of gas and you’re doing your thing?

Then, beloved… your thing.

These niggas will come.

You gotta trust the process. But don’t settle for some nigga that treats you like your hair can’t go in one just to not be alone is all I’m saying.

“He talks to me like I’m a Japanese March with no AC when I know I’m a left hand drive Honda with rims!” #NiggasDontTiefMarches #KnowYourWorth

Date around.

Worse case scenario you get a free meal and some drinks. Worser case scenario, you end up with the bill for what you thought was a free meal and some drinks….

“You said you were an independent woman that don’t need no man and feminism and equality and all that….so your half of the bill is $48.65….so cash or…..?” #KeepThatSameEnergy

Best case scenario? You find “the one” or the closest thing to it. But at least you walk into that situation, may it be marriage or otherwise, knowing you vetted all available options.

I’m not here to tell y’all where to meet these people, how to meet em or even how to shoot your shot. I’m also a shitty, flaky, don’t-show-up-to-the-function-cause-I’m-lazy ass nigga. I am the king of making plans in the moment then when the thing I said I would do comes up I get upset with the person. Just ask Dakarai.

“Why the shit is Dakarai texting me about a podcast I confirmed with him that I would do today? This nigga is never wan cancel at my convenience!! #SelfishAssNigga”

But I’m terrible by nature.

Also we need to get off our phones and actually see people in person. Whatsapp and social media in general is KILLING human interaction. Not everything is about sex, fellas. And not everything has to be a deep and heavy convo about this hypothetical future you have planned out for a nigga you met 2 days ago, ladies. Sometimes its nice just to break bread and be in the moment.

Some of y’all don’t even know what they doin. Y’all confused. This is what a “date” used to look like #TheOldDays


“Date night”

Sleep with that person to see what that penis/vagina do….just be safe.

Go on a date with that guy/gal you were interested in but never thought they were…..shoot your shot!! What exactly do you have to lose? Another night alone watching Netflix and posting memes so people think you’re fun when you lowkey a 3 piece and a bottle of Stoli from getting back with your ex?

“…lemme post another meme so people see I’m lonely and lowkey think I’m ready to be with someone that isn’t a dog or cat I’m happy!!”

Do it….and consider yourself lucky. Cause theres a fucking lion in Africa right now that, the only way to get a spouse, is to be blessed with the right genetics, strength and stamina…that has to fight another possibly bigger lion, to the death, just to get another lion to have a mate. Meanwhile all you gotta do is slide in their dm’s with the, “Hey, big head!”, and have a 50/50 chance.

Count your blessings, date around, never settle but….

Be safe tho