The Bahamas is Not A Real Place (And I Have Proof)

By Drew

I’ve seen some things on this island I call home. I once saw a jonser fight 3 potcakes because he, in his “mind”, thought they were condescending and pretentious and was tired of their attitudes going unchecked. I’ve seen a car pull a lawnmower behind it on the highway. I’ve seen Breadman and Relly kiss….with tongue.

For the uninitiated…

Pictured above: Breadman and Relly kissing….with tongue

All of the above and a plethora of other events eventually lead me to conclude, along with the masses, that indeed…The Bahamas truly is not a real place. Now at first glance this stance comes off as satire…like I’m on here making a joke. Its all fun and games until someone sends you a video of a naked woman peeing on the floor of a Chinese restaurant or a man fighting his girlfriend in someones yard because she slept out and “too much tings happening”…

I’ve seen some shit….YOU’VE probably seen some shit. So… I’ve broken down, by location, solid evidence and examples of why The Bahamas is not a real place.

If we’re gonna start anywhere lets start with….

Lyford Cay

Fictional Equivalent: Hogwarts School of Wizardry


How is Lyford Cay NOT Hogwarts?

A group of gifted, majority white, folks doing money magic, segregating themselves from the “muggles” aka “niggas” and not having much knowledge of the world beyond their walls. And yes yes I know Harry Potter wasn’t necessarily born in Hogwarts but lets just be honest….

He probably grew up in palmdale and got a scholarship to Hogwarts. Cut on his head was from a conch shell fight he had by KFC Mackey St but y’all aren’t ready for this adult conversation

Now obviously Lyford Cay residents can’t do “magic” per se but when I see Lyford Cay niggas brunching on a goddamn Tuesday afternoon at like 10:45 am that shit looks like magic to me cause how you doing this right now?

“…then Karen invited me to a party in Old For Bay like I was one of the poors. I said Bibbity Bobbity Bye, Bitch!! “#iLegitThinkThatsHowTheyTalk

They are wizards, we are muggles and we have an understanding. You know….until one of their daughters brings home some nigga with a Honda and cornrows then they go on what they think are adventures.

“Did you know they have a mall and like….a currency? I brought home some of their money so we can use it for Monopoly night!”

Conclusion: Lyford Cay aka Hogwarts is not a real place.

Out West vs Out East

Fictional  Equivalent: Westeros Vs Essos

For all my non Game Of Thrones fans aka children of a lesser god, Westeros/Essos are lands in the Game of Thrones lore. Westeros is teaming with different factions/houses, drama, classism, elitism etc and so is Essos. The only real difference is the divide between them and the attitude of the people. Essos folks think they’re better because of access to wealth, safety and general peace. Westeros folks believe the Essos people are stuck up snobs with no real claim to anything but their own egos. It’s literally our “out west” niggas vs the “out east” niggas. Here’s a pic that can better show their differences.

Can you spot the difference between them? Its subtle but its there #itsNot #ThereIsNoDifferenceButTheRent

Understand that on an island that is 21/7, where BPL will cut off your light for absolutely no reason whatsoever, that there are people who live out west that think they have clout cause, “I don’t drive east for anything….ew. So ghetto.”

Lol…oh yeah?

Y’all love to forget Gambier is a place that exists bey…lol.

“Gambier is NOT west and should NOT be held to the same standard. In this essay I hope to debunk this crude and out of control notion that…”

Yes, foreign readers. On an island this small there are people that go to war over who has it better: people out east or out west. They claim west is safer but has higher rent. And the east folks take pride in lower rent but way more traffic. Meanwhile the government is fucking all of us with the same dick but I grew up eating fry sausage sandwiches with mustard and no mayo so what do I know.

East or west if you ate this then your argument is moot. @ ya ma”

Conclusion: East vs West is not a real beef as they are both not real places.

South Beach

Fictional Equivalent: Narnia

South Beach, much like Prince Will being a private school, is a lie we tell children to make them behave and The False God Ricardo Wells claims both in spades. I remember the first time I asked The False God Ricardo Wells where he lived…went like this..

Me: “Where you live anyway, bey?”

The false God Ricardo Wells: “South Beach”


lol….”South Beach…lol

Listen, I read the Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe with the secret closet and Mr Tumnus and all that. But can we just have an honest conversation? Have any of you even ever BEEN South Beach? I know at some point they had a pool but even when I heard people speak on it they spoke with an ominous tone like it was a fairy tale or a parable from Jesus.

“Blessed is he that abides by the sea but only a devilish fool bathes in the dark recesses of South Beach Pools. Selah #TheWordOfGod”

I’m wrong?

I’m “reaching”?

Ok…go ahead. Ask someone. Ask ANYONE how to get to their home in South Beach.

Stop reading and go ask someone.

Watch how the directions sound like some cryptic text from the white witch warning of the end of days. I even tried asking in our “Lazarus Pit” chat group and Alexis did not disappoint.

“Drive south. It’ll be on your right” This nigga spoke of South Beach like an entity therein strengthening my point of wtf is south beach, bey?? #I’mLiterallyAsking

Listen, I’ve heard that people live out there I’ve just never seen proof. So until that day, I must conclude that y’all just live South Carmichael. Its like how Jonathan and I call Blair “Kemp Road East”….makes the crime hit different.

After moving to Kemp Road East, Karen and Jack bought 2 shotguns and a pistol during the Christmas season because they “Wish a nigga would” #KarenWithTheShits #PlayThen

Conclusion: South Beach aka Narnia is not now or will it ever be a real place.

Carmichael Road

Fictional Equivalent: Wakanda

If you don’t acknowledge Carmichael Road as Wakanada then you’re wrong. For all those living under a rock, Wakanda is the fictional, predominately black, technologically advanced, fully independent area where black panther resides segregated and hidden away from the rest of the world. Wakanda was what Abaco was tryna be but with niggas. Irony of it is….Carmichael lowkey pulled it off.

I’m lying?

Name one thing Carmichael DOESN’T Have…I’ll wait.

Yes….yes they do have a drive through liquor store that is open at 8am because fuck y’all “laws” that’s why.

Know whats funny about that picture above? Y’all legit aren’t sure whether or not that’s a picture taken on Carmichael or if its just a random pic. And therein lies the rub. I have a theory that we don’t even know what all Carmichael has to offer. Only the residents know. Carmichael residents constantly remind people that there is not a single fucking reason to leave Carmichael outside of going to work. I live east and have to leave east all the time. Not them. They be like…

“……get my meds from the clinic round the corner then some wine from next door, some dog food from the Chinese and then bring me a visa application from the Chinese embassy through the corner by the Bank of America building”

Do they have a Bank of America on Carmichael?

Do they not?

We’ll never know. They’re their own nation now and I don’t have the right to question. Wakanda forever tho!

Conclusion: Carmichael Road aka Wakanda is not a real place

Pinewood Gardens

Fictional Equivalent: Florida

Don’t look at me like that.

Florida ain been a real place for a minute and neither has Pinewood Gardens for that matter. But you have to admit they are similar as shit. Think about it: Lots of flooding, unexplained perpetual violence, breeds a shitload of natural athletes, swamp land…etc. I am equally as confused by Florida man stories as I am Pinewood reports.

Did this happen in Florida or Pinewood? Exactly! #We’llNeverKnow

The irony is pinewood SOUNDS like a nice place and for all intents in purposes it is. Pinewood is what Elizabeth Estates thought it was till they caught sense.

“Oh these niggas killin killin…..Lemme go BTVI and stop being doin shit cause wow” – Lizzy niggas

Its so cute because people from Pinewood really think they live “out east” and out east people check them REAL quick.

“Oh no, baby, you don’t live east…you live Pinewood. Which would be east if it wasn’t for…you know….the stabbings and what not” #NoButWhatDirectionIsPinewoodForRealTho

The fact that I’m 37 and we have yet to find a solution for the flooding in Pinewood, which I assume is Jesus trying to Noah’s ark their sins away with mini-floods, lets me know that it’s fake. Imagine Pinewood Noah’s Ark.

“We need 2 more potcakes, 2 Keishas and 2 men named “Tooones”….hurry before it start sprying and it flood again!”

Conclusion: Pinewood aka Florida is not a real place.

Kemp Road vs Blair

Fictional Equivalent: Gotham vs Metropolis

Hear me out.

Little known fact: Gotham City, city of the dark knight aka Batman, is right next door to Metropolis, city of Superman. Keeping that information in mind, Have you seen the way Gotham and Metropolis are depicted in comics?

Did we know Brent Symonette could fly or…..? #UpUpAndAway”)

And Gotham…

If you’re looking at this picture and thinking to yourself “theres too much going on here” then drive through Kemp Road at 12am #SameEnergy

The irony is they are literal neighbors. Both sides have good people and both sides are filled with love, family, community etc. But if we’re being honest, theres a reason Superman is happier than Batman. Look at their villains: Supermans nemesis is a balding, genius level billionaire and Batman battles a clown with bad makeup and anger issues…

I’m not saying this woman is from Kemp Road….I’m just saying if you saw her walking down Kemp road how shocked are you really?

I just don’t understand where all the drugs and guns come from and how it all ends up there. These niggas don’t have pistols…they have fucking rocket launchers and my question is: Who these for, beloved?

I know.


You heard it here first.

We have a Bahamian Batman who Kemp Road residents battle with every night. It’s the only logical reason for why these niggas need military machine assault rifles. Cause you don’t need ALL that shit to rob anyone in Blair. John almost shot me once for raising my voice slightly. Oh y’all keep thinking these Blair niggas playin with y’all….they with the shits.

Mussy forget bout Karen and Jack…..stay focused and be safe

Conclusion: Kemp Rd nor Blair are real places.

Understand that I don’t make the rules. We live in a controlled simulation controlled by, I assume, the American government or a still breathing Lynden Pindling with a God complex…..because fuck it, why wouldn’t that be true?

Some say this picture was taken when Minnis got elected. Others say its a photo I found on google when I was drunk last night trying to finish this article. We’ll never really know the truth

In the end I think I’ve proven that The Bahamas is or at least Nassau is not a real place and it never was. We have a chicken in the middle of the highway and no one knows why. We have roundabouts because thats the thing we needed to keep from colonization. There’s an island with just pigs and no one questions that like at all. BPL has generators from when the UBP was a thing. And I watched a love, the greatest love I’ve ever known, crumble. If Breadman and Relly can’t stay together then truly whats the point?


The Bahamas is not a real place, nothing matters and the conch almost gone. Y’all misewell live your lives and stop sweating the small stuff.

Be safe tho