Little known fact about me: I play chess fairly well. My cousins Dion and Teran are legit St. Annes chess champions. You know St. Annes…..the school they put between Fox Hill and a goddamn cemetery and then wonder why their kids come out awkward and angry. I don’t hit women but I fought a StAnnes chick once. But a gentleman doesn’t kick ass and tell…
The destruction of a guard is a chess move that is very difficult to pull off because it requires a lot of patience, nuance and risk. Like the risk I’m about to take by making yet another admission: I really REALLY hate soca. Like….I don’t get it. What is the point of this is all I REALLY wanna know.
But, I would be remiss if I didn’t do my due diligence and unpack Bahamian Soca/Carnival season.
Dakarai sent me a note last week. He said “stop putting Bahamian in the articles. Make it more inclusive and put Caribbean”. First of all, Dakarai isn’t the boss of 10yrSeniors. Everyone knows that Kaizen more or less makes decisions for us seeing as he is the son of the demon head and soon to be overlord of the world once he merges with the robots in the soon coming robot apocalypse.
The reason I’m sticking to “Bahamian” with this article is because I feel like we’re different with our soca and carnival culture completely.
First off, lets be honest: Half y’all gals been dieting from 2015 and haven’t lost a motherfuckin inch since you started the diet, but are gonna hit the road regardless, telling horrible lies on Facebook/Instagram thinking we don’t have eyes.
No, beloved: You survived the march because you were pissy drunk and determined …not “in shape”.
Go with God.
Also, some of y’all niggas need to be intellectually honest: A lot of y’all just want any excuse to wine up on gals and for sure can’t wait to catch one particular gal slipping. I know the time: I respect the game.
Full disclosure: Johnathon, Naldo, Kari, Kevin….literally all my boys are somehow involved with soca. Keep in mind, all these niggas are ripped to the floor and don’t sweat. My nigga, I sweat in the snow. For 360 days out of the year, if you check my back pocket, there is a wash cloth so I can wipe my face because I’m sweating like a whore in church.
Wait…I forgot my white readers.
I don’t feel comfortable soca’ing because, as a big nigga, I don’t dance well, I hate any soca not performed by her majesty, Dame Sister Allison Hinds, and I’m a sweaty ass nigga. This is about the time where soca people try to convince me, “No man big fellas is be out there too!!”.
Shut the fuck up, guy with effortless 6pack abs. They the niggas y’all tease the most.
However, lets be honest: A lot of y’all body shame and that shit needs to stop. Soca, according to y’all, is supposed to be inclusive. Its supposed to be about the music and the fun and the harmony of people being half naked in the streets and being able to dance through said streets unmolested. But a lot of the molestation isn’t physical….its verbal.
Y’all know how we go….
Listen, I have no problem being a dick to people that are dicks may they be fat, skinny, bad shape, etc. But, if theres a solid or fat chick on the road, why not encourage her? Stop putting women down because they aren’t skinny or they don’t fit into their costume the way you do. Every day that young lady has to be fat. She has to think fat. She has to eat and compensate for things like a fat person. Y’all don’t understand the struggle.
She, knowing she’s a big girl, put on that too small outfit and walked on to that road like the big queen she is and, despite every brain cell in her body telling her that this is a horrible idea….she did that shit.
Salute that woman please.
Its all I ask.
Any nigga I see on facebook or Instagram calling out fat carnival goers I’m pulling files.
Also, guys….stop being so fucking creepy.
Now, let me be clear: I’ve been told that its perfectly fine for everyone to wine up on everyone with soca and that that’s normal. Which is probably why the Christian council was so angry about grown adults consenting to do grown adult things.
However, fellas: Don’t try and finger a stranger because you feel like she into you.
Palance is on for the 50th time and she’s trying to dance not get finger banged in front of her aunt and cousins. Be respectful. Niggas is be tryna juice out in the open.
I talked about that chess move earlier: The Destruction of a Guard. Its when you remove or lure out your opponents chess pieces surrounding their king so that you can have a chance for checkmate.
Take a second to drink this moment in.
Do you know the amount of pawns, rooks and knights that had to be removed and dealt with just so checkmate could be achieved and y’all could wine up in the streets? We have been “allowed” by the government, and the Bahamian oligarchs, to drunkenly dance half naked in the streets of Nassau without any issue. If you had asked me 10 years ago…shit….6 years ago, I would have said “NEVER in a million years”. And now here we are.
In the immortal words of Ru Paul…
Don’t fuck this up, guys. And, to be fair, I don’t think we will.
There have been 0 reports of rape and other sexual assaults. Its legit been a clean, non violent, peaceful good time. (I’m sure someone will feel free to correct me if I’m wrong in the comments)
LOL…how you even get reading this article, fake Christian person?
We are in a good soca place. My friend Janelle and crew have been Bahamian ambassadors while visiting various other Caribbean countries representing us and what we bring to the table.
Even my arch nemesis, Virginia Chan, has gone the extra mile and is having a soca party but for something very close to my heart: Cancer. Proceeds are going to the Cancer Society of the Bahamas for Colon Cancer Awareness Megan Louise Sands Ostomy Foundation. As you all know, my dad died from cancer last year, so when she messaged me the details, needless to say niggas got a bit emotional.
If you can, please support. I can vouch that the cause is true and how beautiful is it when we turn something once frowned upon into something useful and inspirational.
I can’t say this enough….I truly don’t give a fuck about Soca and I ain attending carnival because, and I cant stress this enough, It hot as balls out there, king. But we have a real chance to have one of the top 3 Carribean Soca events.
That’s a real thing.
This can be huge if we let it. But we need to get shit organised. We are right next to Miami. Theres no reason we can’t show other Caribbean islands AND America that we are the place to be when it comes to soca partying and road parties. Our main industry is fucking tourism I mean….do I really need to unpack this?
Big girls, do your thing. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
Skinny women, give them that unapologetic stiff wine.
Niggas? Behave yourself and be respectful.
And….if you have the time and money….
Y’all have fun and be safe out there.
And to the naysayers, haters and fake christians? Judge ya ma….let people enjoy things.
Be safe tho
P.S. For more infor about the above mentioned party see below or just flood Virginia’s dms. It would annoy her to no end and I would really enjoy that.
Tickets at www.islandetickets.com/event/gvs2019 or at the door (but it’ll be more but it’s for charity so it’s ok lol)