I say that a lot….almost constantly because I’m not ashamed of my age or my status. Typically people tend to look at me with a curious eye when I tell them my age due to my lack of semen monsters, wife, sweetheart and no debt.
I mock the married and those with kids because they’re hilarious but even my humor at their expense is semi jaded because regardless of my present social situation the flat circle of time keeps marching forward and no matter how I try, age, much like winter, is coming.
With age comes wisdom and with wisdom comes perspective and its from my present perspective that I’d like to speak to you about what its like dating a 30+ year old Bahamian.
We really tired.
No…..listen to me.
We. Really. Tired.
There was a time I used to wake up and just go out to the world and be great. I’d legit just spring out of bed with excitement for what the day had to offer and what I could accomplish.
I remember nights with Elaine and my boy El Nino (Sanchez) at King of Knights when they held the Blue Note events that featured $10 all you can drink from 5 until 9pm. We would go, get destroyed and that Saturday morning Kenny and I would hit the gym by 10am.
My Fridays nights consist of being home by 9pm and legit planning on not getting out of bed until Monday O’clock. I’m at a point in my life where booty calls are now a decision and no longer a priority.
So, if you’re seriously considering dating a 30+ year old please understand that its not personal. Its just that in your 20’s sex is exciting and amazing and hard to find. In your 30’s you know good and well who, what, where and how you can grind…..its just a matter of if you’re in the mood and what time you left work that day.
If you’re 20 something dating a 30 something just be patient. Oh we’re still sexually active and can put it down in bed but the rules have changed a bit.
All that multiple rounds and 88 positions and Kama sutra shit is over, beloved. I can’t speak for all my over 30+ brothers and sisters but I have about 4 solid moves and about 2.5minutes of actual good sex in me. You’re getting 1 really good round and a Dominoes Junkanoo pizza…..thats all I gat. And thats before 9pm by the way because don’t forget what I said earlier, I’m super tired. I’m the easiest person in the world to cheat on.
Oh, and thats the next thing: If I go out trust and believe I’m gonna ask 30+ year old questions. These include, but are not limited to:
A) Will there be food?
B) Will there be liquor?
If yes to one or both A and B then is it free and if not what are the prices?
Who ga be there?
Why all them people there?
Can I wear my flip flops?
Can I wear sweats/tshirt/not bathe?
How old is the crowd?
What area is this party?
Type gals ga be there?
Will there be a surplus of annoying unattractive creatives fake caring about nothing in particular?
Is it safe?
I’m driving because I wanna leave when I wanna leave…..whats the parking situation?
Sidebar: I really don’t think y’all understand how important parking is when you’re over 30. Unless its a goddamn political rally or….I don’t know….a family members funeral, if your parking is fucked up then I’m not coming.
Please don’t invite me to anything you do if I have to walk for 5minutes or more FROM my vehicle to your soiree cause, say it with me, I really tired!
Also note that our disdain for people is almost at its peak. I think it was Aubrey Graham who, with brevity and wisdom beyond his years uttered the words, “No new friends”. Those words speak to me on a spiritual level. Now this is where 30 plus men and women differ.
30+ men tend to roll with the same niggas they came into 30 with.
Y’all friendsy bey.
A woman will have a friend she’s known since she was 6 and another friend she met last week and consider them both her “best friends”. Then get confused when the former gets mad at the addition of the latter.
Sorry, that shit seems to cross age lines and I’ll never understand it….but I digress.
Another thing to keep in mind when dating the over 30 crowd is we don’t require the same attention as you do. Sure you have your weird anomalies within the older community (gals) that require a bit more time than the norm but typically we’re pretty good not being around you until absolutely necessary.
So young girls please understand that, again, its not personal. The nigga you’re grinding for them bags, purses and your old lady weirdly high light bill with really likes you. He’s just legit busy and doesn’t have time or patience to discuss why Rick Ross was hospitalized and what 50 Cent had to say about it.
And young guys please understand the only reason she fuckin with you is because she needs her black blown out 2-3 times a week. Ya I know she doesn’t text back as often as you’d like and “she’s not like these girls your age” but beloved, someone has to pay the car note on that Honda she bought you while you’re “not working right now”.
And get prepared for a pretty quick dive into “what the fuck we doin?” Town…..and 30 something year old women are the mayors!
If you’re a young guy blessed with the opportunity to date an older woman understand she’s either just fucking you for shits and giggles or she genuinely likes you but bruh…..you better know what you signed up for because she’s been waiting to get married for years now and does not have time for traditional dating.
These gals did not come to play with you. You get the full compliment of their baggage from the jump because they have 0 time to waste with you and your mumble rapping ass.
Ironically enough its the exact opposite for older men. If we get with a younger chick its typically because we’re bored, think we’re ready for 20 year old sex or sometimes genuinely find love.
How can you tell the difference you ask? Easy….watch his movements.
If that nigga is paying attention, texting back when he can and has you out in public feeding you and introducing you to people then congrats, you’re one of the lucky ones!
Enjoy your man friend!
But if that nigga calls you over 2 nights a week and you know the Wendys menu by heart and still trying to figure out exactly what he does for a living then beloved……you are a jump off and I’d like to thank you for what you do, and have been doing, for the community.
If you weren’t alive when Biggie died then you’re not mature, you’re just sensible and that too is ok. Being sensible is paying your bills on time in full for fear of disconnection.
Maturity is knowing you have a grace period before they turn that bitch off and not being afraid to wait until you get that “Unknown” caller on your cellphone.
And the hangovers….my God the hangovers! I remember me and my boy Joe drinking Carlo Rossi (Carla Rassy for my urban readers) then doing shots…..THEN drinking Anejo and cokes until the sun rose with no hangover the next morning.
Shit is real.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the space I’m in and I love where I’m at. At times I –
Know what? This getting long and….say it with me one more time…..I really tired.