The 9 Bahamian Cutter Commandments (From 30+ Year Old Cuttees)
Good morning, Sluts.
Stop already typing in the comments section, feminist Fiona. I mean that for men AND women. We have all been or are presently being slutty and if you haven’t gone through a slut phase then I’m really sorry about the white bread sex you’ve been having always.
As Ned Stark predicted, some non existent time ago, winter is here. I know, you sent your ex cuttee a 4:15pm “Hey Big Head” text because you knew he would be off soon and you wanted to know if he was up for some drinks and maybe a quick grind or 2. Only for you to be totally “shocked” that y’all ended up having a quick grind or 2. Don’t worry…..we know you lying.
I applaud all of you. But before you begin your fucktuationship there are a few things we, the 30+ need you to know.
First off, for all 0 of my foreign readers, a “Cutter” is a girl or guy that you have sex with once or twice a week (or at your behest), let them have a cold glass of water and then watch depart in the wee hours. A cutter can be gorgeous, ugly, big, small, short, tall, young or old. The possibilities are endless!
There was a time on this island when the term was derogatory and used mostly by men. Due to most niggas not being shit and Love and Hip Hop, women now have cutters as well. In fact women have cutters for different reasons.
I applaud all cutters for what they do for the community and what they do for the culture…….which brings us to the cuttee.
The Cuttee is the person in control of the cutting from the cutter.
Follow me on this one.
If you text me all the time for dick, I am the cutter. If I text you mostly for vag then I have become the cuttee. The distinction is hidden within the volume of texts requests one person sends compared to the other knowing the response will be something like…
The cutter is responsible for orgasms, food and beverage. You may make a face at the food and beverage portion but I mean….we ga have to eat beloved. Nuttin pricey tho I promise. And no……there will be no thigh snack jokes in this article.
We’re better than that at 10th Year Seniors.
And you always know when niggas hungry cause right before you leave they hit you with the…
It happens and that’s perfectly ok. The cuttee is responsible for a safe cutting venue, entertainment (Netflix, slow jams, PS4 etc), water for hydration and small monetary favors no greater than $20. No….there’ll be no consisten money lending…thats not what this is about.
Now that we have definitions out of the way…we are ready for the 9 Cutter Commandments.
Thou shalt not “pop up” unannounced.
Who raised y’all unwashed heathens?
People, the “pop up” has ALWAYS been a huge deal breaker in life let alone for us 30+ people. Fuck you mean you were “in the area”? Nigga, you live South Beach. No one who lives south beach is near to anything ever….how you get east?
No, you call FROM HOME and confirm that I’m not tired and/or (probably) just masturbated and don’t require your services. And to be honest, sometimes I just don’t feel like doing the man clean up….I cant speak for women.
Oh, y’all don’t know about the man clean up?
This is how men “clean up” when a chick they’ve already had sex with comes over…
This is how women clean up….
Sometimes niggas just wan lay in their filth and not bathe, beloved. Also we’re not exclusive so it would behoove you to call ahead before you see some shit you didn’t want to.
Thou shalt respect my tired
I knew I was truly 30+ when I started waking up tired. I’m not talking only getting 4hrs of sleep after a night of partying tired. I mean 8 hrs of sleep, 2 alarm snoozes and still don’t want to start the day tired. It’s a thing with us and I don’t know why. That being said, if I tell you I’m too tired to have you come over please respect that because, beloved…..I tired.
Don’t argue, don’t try and lure me in with sexy talk. There is no sex you can give me that will be more orgasmic than an early night in my bed. #StayWoke.
Thou shalt not ask me to go out
Sigh….why can’t humans just get some sex and not complicate it with shit like “going out” and “feelings”? Beloved, you know what this is.
WE know what this is.
This is you and I having a bit of consensual naked fun then us going to our separate and very opposite lifestyles. These 20 something year olds are out here inviting people to slam poetry sessions and….like….dinner.
No bey….come get this work, get a drink out the fridge if you’d like, and then…yeah….laters. I know that sounds mean but that’s the way contracts work, kids.
Come over, get this 2 minutes, link you later. Fin.
Thou shalt not use the Cuttees name in vain
What the cutter and the cuttee do in the bedroom is sacred and should not be defiled by rumours, whispers and friendly banter. No one needs to know that we’re in a fucktuationship let alone my name.
Lets zip our lips and, in public, act like the strangers are most certainly aren’t (but kinda are).
Thou shalt not ask provocative questions
You came here for sex…..why are you asking who’s underwear that is or who is that angry person banging on my door referring to you as “that bitch”?
Shit is erroneous!
As a people, Bahamians tend not to focus on whats important and get distracted by irrelevant things like “boyfriends” and “used paternity tests”. Thine your business tho.
Stay in your lane and live your purpose……which is emotionless sex and a 6 piece chicken only from KFC if its on your way.
Thanks in advance.
Thou shalt not steal
I know what you’re thinking…”Type gals Andrew is be dealin with that that’s an issue tho?”
First off, you don’t know my life.
I try to keep a jungless in the chamber just to keep my ear to the streets and know whats going on in metropolitan Nassau. If you don’t have a jungless in rotation then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.
That being said, theft is more than stealing money or items around the house. Theft is also you fucking me within an inch of my life, putting me to sleep and then I wake up to my left over Marcos Pizza being eaten. That’s not your food, those weren’t your “silvers” and you KNEW that was my last Coke Zero.
Stop tiefin when niggas sleepin…..and as I type that I feel like that should be a Ronnie Butler song for some reason.
If I don’t offer it then you’re stealing.
Covet not another cutters fucktuationship
So you decided that your boy Freddys cutter does more than yours. Or perhaps you’re a female and feel like Brendas cutter brings her a breast snack as opposed to a thigh snack and that you deserve that as well.
Not all cutters are born equal, guys. Some go the extra mile and we encourage that kind of gumption and enthusiasm. Nothing better than a go getter cutter.
But it is not written nor required that any more effort outside of sex is necessary for cutter maintenance due to your jealousy. Chicks and niggas out here in non committal relationships mad because another non committal relationship “seems fun”.
We’re all dead inside and trying to put a band-aid on the cavernous hole we call our 30’s. Bust your nuts and be thankful.
Remember our sex appointment and keep them holy
I already told y’all I’m tired. If I make a vag appointment with you then I really don’t want to hear half way to your Narnian tavern out south beach that “something came up”. And people dumb…..they’ll text that when you hit Carmichael on some…
Meanwhile the other person is like…
But hits you on whatsapp with the…
If you promise me consensual genital fun and then cancel just know I’m pulling over into a Rubis and broadcast texting every gal in my whatsapp with the “Stranger!”.
Thou shalt not catch feelings.
This is arguably, next to not popping up, the most important commandment for the cutter. If the contract, verbal or otherwise, is drawn up right, then you know FULL WELL where “feelings” are gonna get you. Sadly there are some people in this world with amazing sexual chemistry…..and that’s it.
I’m sorry but those are just the facts.
I’ve been with exactly 3 ½ girls and some were boring at making sex but had amazing souls and others were boring/annoying as hell but volcanic in the sheets.
If you kids decide to be sexual then that means you’ve decided that you’re good enough to make sex with each other but not compatible enough to “be” together.
And that’s ok.
But if you decide to catch feelings due to the fact that I’m an amazing person then that’s on you. But just know you’re ruining a good thing. But hey, you may be that one in a million. That one person that’s worth breaking the contract for. That one person that rose from cutter to partner to spouse after years of sloppy sex with no real direction….if that happens then good for you.
Oh, its impossible you say? Can’t happen because nothing good ever comes from emotionless, disconnected consensual sex between a man and a woman?