CARIBBEAN SEA - SEPTEMBER 8: In this NOAA handout image, NOAA's GOES satellite shows Hurricane Irma as it moves towards the Florida Coast as a category 4 storm in the Caribbean Sea taken at 14:45 UTC on September 08, 2017. Hurricane Irma barreled through the Turks and Caicos Islands as a category 4 storm en route to a destructive encounter with Florida this weekend. (Photo by NOAA GOES Project via Getty Images)

#TallTakes: We’re Not Blessed We’re Lucky

This Hurricane Has, Against all Odds, Made People More Annoying

This past weekend the Caribbean and Florida, where I live, was hit by Hurricane Irma, one of the largest and most powerful storms in recorded history.

Despite the catastrophic destruction heaped on the region by Irma, residents of Nassau Bahamas only got some strong winds and a couple of days off from work/school. My people, being who they are, used it as an opportunity to be sanctimonious jerks on social media because times of crisis reveal who we really are.

On my social media pages there were tons of people attributing our near miss from the historically destructive storm as an act of God because we were righteous, pious people who prayed for it to go away.

These people are completely narcissistic buffoons, devoid of all logic and reasoning and here’s why:

Nobody Controls What Happens with the weather, idiot.

When hurricanes emerge and where they go are not under the control of anyone or anything. It’s pretty much all wind currents and dumb luck. No amount of prayer, fasting, sage burning and salt spilling can change that. Thinking otherwise is moronic.

What about the other people that got hit?

So a historically powerful hurricane whiffed on the piece of rock you call home, because you’re an unequivocally great person. You love whatever deity your ancestors were forced at gunpoint to worship when they were kidnapped centuries ago with all your heart and said deity loves you in return.

What about the folks that didn’t get missed? The folks that the storm was projected to hit all along, unlike us.

Are you better than them? Does your deity love you more than their deity loves them? Were they better than you those dozens of times when you got hit and they got missed but this year things changed? Are folks in the parts of our country that didn’t get hit better people than the ones that did? Is that why they had to leave their entire lives behind to get destroyed and we got 3 days of breeze? How does this work?

You’re making something that absolutely didn’t affect you all about you.

When a hurricane misses you, nothing about your life changes.  It’s just another day. You can go about your business.

However, this is a massive disaster that has affected hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people. They lost their homes, livelihoods, and peace of mind because of this storm. In proclaiming it missed you (and hit them) because of some divine favor you curried with whatever man in the sky you worship, you’re making their misfortune all about you.

At the end of the day we’re screwed

This one may have missed us, but the last one didn’t, and though the next one probably will miss us we’re going to get hit eventually, and we’re going to get hit again after that, repeatedly until we can’t live here anymore.

Global warming has guaranteed that we’re going to get smashed by hurricane after hurricane until the islands we live on are uninhabitable. And don’t think it’s far-fetched because this is already starting to happen in the southern islands of The Bahamas. We may have gotten lucky this time in New Providence, but we’re going to get hit, hard and often.

Yes you may have gotten lucky this time, but don’t be a jerk about it. Spread love, and GoFundMe links, crack jokes about families from Carmichael Road trying to scam gullible Canadians, but goddammit get off your high horse because our time is coming again, and it’s going to be ugly. 


Drugged out Also-Ran has stuff to say about one of the greatest athletes of all time.

Jun 8, 2013; Paris, France; Serena Williams (USA), right, and Maria Sharapova (RUS) pose with their trophies after their match on day 14 of the 2013 French Open at Roland Garros. Mandatory Credit: Susan Mullane-USA TODAY Sports

Maria Sharapova wrote an autobiography called “Unstoppable”, I’ll give you a second to pick yourself off the floor from the fit of laughter you’re currently experiencing. 








Okay let’s continue

In it she had some choice things to say about one of the greatest athletes of all time, and the feud that she thinks they have:

“I think Serena hated me for being the skinny kid who beat her, against all odds, at Wimbledon.

“But mostly, I think she hated me for hearing her cry.”

Uhh what?

First of all the lede has been entirely buried here.  The fact that Maria Sharapova is 2-19 against Serena Williams despite ingesting an old Soviet hanger’s worth of steroids and still gets to write an autobiography without receiving the universal scorn that she deserves reflects poorly on society as a whole. We need to be getting her the hell outta here.  

This woman has won more money than any other female athlete in history and at the end of the day she’s just a mediocre drugged out loser. And she knows it, which is why she plays up how physically imposing and intimidating Williams is despite being six inches taller (and 12 pounds of steroids heavier) than her.

She has thick arms and thick legs and is so intimidating and strong.

Sharapova is a failure on many levels. She’s can’t hold a candle to either of the Williams sisters on the court and the record reflects that, she’s a PED user and a disgrace to the sport of tennis in general.  This book just takes her further down the rabbit hole she dug for herself.

Serena Williams is one of the greatest athletes to ever walk the earth by any measure. Sharapova may have made more money than her from advertisements but she’s her rival in the way the mosquito on your leg that you’re about to squash is yours, an insignificant obstacle.

It’s time people treated her like that.

Sloan Stephens Won The US Open

Someone who isn’t a PED ingesting mediocre cheater did something this week as well. Sloan Stephens won the US Open.

I for one am proud of her. I don’t watch, or even particularly like tennis. I do follow Sloan on social media, because, as Andrew would say, reasons.

Sloan had very recently experienced a stress fracture in her foot, and had to overcome a grueling period of rehab and re-acquainting herself to playing tennis, something that played out on her social media.  It’s great to see it all pay off.

And it’s great to see Sloane in general. Reasons.

yeah… reasons….

Baker Mayfield whooped OSU then Disrespected their O.

OU’s Baker Mayfield prevailed in the battle of the QBs who have been in school for the past 20 years going up against JT Barrett and the 4 ranked Ohio State University Buckeyes.

Mayfield came up big time against the Buckeyes too amassing 386 passing yards on a surgical 27 completions on 35 attempts.

Mayfield had a pretty decent game but the game was a snoozer overall.  The most entertaining moment came at the game’s conclusion when Mayfield planted the Okie flag in the center of the “O” in the middle of Ohio State’s home field.

Mayfield has been one of the more entertaining players in college football for years, for reasons that have more to do with his dance skills and drunken antics than anything he’s done on the field.

Dude is an utterly entertaining mess. And planting the Sooner flag in Columbus is utter disrespect. And if he’s going to do that all season long I am absolutely here for it.

Disrespect away Baker Mayfield.


My Giants got Whooped by the Cowboys but Odell didn’t play so nobody got blamed. 

Odell Beckham Jr has been the best player on the New York Giants since his first game in 2014, and whenever things have gone well for them the credit usually went to the team’s defense, or quarterback Eli Manning, a slackjawed Donald Trump loving yokel whose bloated corpse has been dragged around by Odell since November of 2014. and all Odell has ever gotten in return from the crappy sports media was blame whenever the team lost.

Well the team lost its opening game last night to the Dallas Cowboys 19-3 and guess who took the blame from the Giants?


Not that washed up clownfraud Eli Manning.

Not the paper mache patchwork offensive line the Giants employ, not Brandon “I’m a team cancer who hasn’t played in a playoff game since high school” Marshall.

No effing body.

Worse than that is the missing takes questioning if the absence of the best receiver in the NFL may have had something to do with the Giants poor play.

If this is how the season is going to go I’m over it already.