Bahamian Back to School (For 80’s Babies)

By Drew


Winter is coming.

No, I’m not talking game of thrones. I’m not referencing the tattoo on my arm. I’m talking the end of (peaceful) days. Schools open on Monday for the majority of the island…..unless your kids go to Nassau Christian Academy at which point they’ve been in school since like June.

“…I see you have something called “vacation” at this job? I went to NCA so I’m unaware of the term” – NCA Alumni

The roads will be filled with adult mistakes and the results of broken dreams condoms….and God bless them all. Outside of the general hilarity that is people like Naldo and Sannie being responsible for living, sentient human beings, I’m also amused by the preparation for going back to school these days. Its getting out of hand and we need to talk about what it was for us growing up. And by “us” I mean those 70’s and 80’s babies that know exactly what it was like going back to school “back in the day”.

First of all, when did we get to the point where it costs more sending these people to school than it does to pay FOR the goddamn school? Niggas school fees be $1200 a semester but it costs $3,000 a month just to keep them alive, clothed a fed.

I legit heard a kid the other day tell his mom in a computer store that this year he’ll need an iPad for his classes.

Pardon me?

Wanna see what an iPad looked like in ’85?

And this was fancy cause a nigga like me had that good ass 50cent Milo Butler situation from John Chea #2 #BeSafeTho”

Nigga….you went in that composition book, played a cool ass game of MASH and pray to God your mother doesn’t see what you were doing in class.

Sidebar: Am I the only nigga that used that game to con girls into thinking they would have to marry me one day but lowkey just wanted to get some tongue action on lovers hill? Don’t act like every school on this island didn’t have a make-out spot. Kingsway had lovers hill and we all knew what happened up there, my friend.

False sense of intimacy with your clothes fully on….that was sex for us, kids.

But I digress.

It seems like these kids supplies and needs are getting more and more ridiculous. These little niggas now have vegan options for lunch. Know what our vegan/healthy option was? Taking the meat off the bread or digging out your hot pattie meat….which sounds like an amazing Soca song that Bravo and Virginia them need to release before Carnival happens.

“Dig out her pattie, dig out her pattie , dig out her pattie and let the meat rollllllllllllllllllllllllllll”

These kids out here having pasta options…shit……having options alone is a blessing.

We had whatever your cook cooked that day, some candies, some chocolates, a twist or hot dog maybe and then your choice in chicken patties and general hot patties. And lets be honest, if you grew up broke like me being able to afford that extra 50 cents for that chicken pattie meant you were rich as hell. Either that or you REALLY loved hot patties.

“Let me get that chicken pattie, beloved. Heat that for 12 seconds and dab some hot sauce on that bitch….for the culture”

Buying a chicken patty was like buying a large dinner with a vitamalt.

Beloved….large dinner WITH a vitamalt? Back in the day that cost like $22. I just assumed it was drug money and kept it moving which, ironically enough, is the kinda money you need just to clothe these kids cause…

I’m seeing a lot of parents out here clothing their kids different. I’m sorry but I micewell tell you, my mother sewed my “KA” on to my good ass Sandy’s shirt and, I love her to death but…..a seamstress she was not.

And niggas noticed.

“Look….look where your $10 savings got me, mother. LOOK!” #triggered

Now kids out here going to school fashionable.

Got the off coloured socks clashing with the trendy fitted pants with the good ass shirt. You couldn’t even wash those shirts from Sandy’s more than twice before holes started to develop. Only thing holey-er than a Sandys shirt washed too much was that god forsaken “O” on Travel Fox shoes back in the day.

If you didn’t own these or some Clarks you probably never touched a female until your early 20’s #ButGod

And the reason why the shoes got so holey as well as the shirts for me personally was because we were active as shit. Kids nowadays get recess and go outside on their phones or tablets or just stay INSIDE and fight over the computer.

Our generation?

Bruh….we was out here catching lizards, wasps, bees…….ringworm. Ringworm was for us back then what AIDS is to us now with all the false stigmas and ignorant stereotypes attached.

“Were you playing with Michael at recess unprotected? Where are your gloves, Matthew?”

We had a really basic playground.

The biggest deal was who could jump the highest out of the swing and not die. Who was fastest on the field. Who had the most fire marbles because their parents made better financial decisions than anyone else cause….bruh….marbles were expensive.

The good ones at least.

Niggas were dealing marbles in school like it was crack in the hood.

“ I got 15 snake eyes and a couple glassys so let me get couple steelys and a few jumbos…I’m good for it”

Understand that I come from a time when the first day of school meant something.

Haircut was shaped up by the gods. Shoes were lit. Pants and shirts starched with that good Niagara so you know you was crispy as shit in the A.M…And Bahamians really do too much because your mother would starch that bitch until it stood up in the corner like no joke.

I’ve heard stories of niggas getting stabbed and surviving cause of a freshly starched shirt…true story.

“A weaker spray starch and he’d be a dead man but they said you used Niagara so….”

I remember the fear you had especially when you’re hitting grade 7 when you gain pseudo independence. You got lockers instead of cubbyholes. You were traveling from class to class. Puberty hitting females and niggas not knowing what to do with that realization. More class options and not just the basics.


So no one remembers when they went to grade 7 and for some reason every chick was physically different? Its usually about this time when teenage Bahamian boys realized that they had no chance unless they were lightskin, sold weed or drove, or had a older cousin that drove, a Honda.

I was fat, sloppy, awkward and a goon at that age so the only thing I had going for me was my cousin Kenny driving his moms ’95 Honda Accord to pick me up.

More people have died for Hondas than any existing religion known to man. #Facts

We were a weird bunch back then.

Nowadays you’re judged by your wealth, fashion and weave texture. Back then you got points if your trapper keeper was poppin. Like you legit judged people based on their trapper keeper game.

Niggas got kissed in the back of school for the abstract universe joints easy

It was a simpler time. Lets not act like these pens weren’t the absolute shit….


Making dumb look sexy for decades


Not to mention if your bag game was tight. Couldn’t be in these streets with the Jansport. Naw….you were only doing big if you had the Kipling bag…..with the monkey.

Not having that monkey was academic suicide cause kids are assholes mostly.

Having a Kipling bag with no monkey is like owning a Bahamian straw market bought Gucci purse: We know its fake, beloved.

“…then I told this hoe that’s a Kip-ring cause your parents be makin 0 money!”

Now these kids have these damn near Military knapsacks.

They have compartments for lunch, laptop, books…the whole 9. Little kids out here look like they’re ready for Benghazi….and also math.

Not that we were better. Remember when you were required to bring murder weapons to school?

You think twice about takin a niggas lunch money when they packin a sharp compass #WarReady

And the schools have gotten slick on us: How is EVERY CHILD doing well every year….

Ok…but, sidebar: Is no one else noticing that EVERY kid is getting awards? Its getting worse. My WHOLE timeline can’t have smart kids. That’s statistically impossible. I’m gonna need receipts because I know some of these people and they can barely read so how is little Nathandrica on the honor roll?

Lil niggas can’t spell but y’all givin out awards for being “awesome”? Get it together, schools


Where was I?

Oh yeah…schools being sheisty.

I had 2 sisters ahead of me so my mother saved money on books because you just handed them down to whichever sibling was behind you. If they didn’t have it then she would call a friend with another kid in the same school. It was that simple. Now every year these kids have new expensive ass books that look damn near college level.

“Oh no the tutor isn’t for our child its for us….I don’t understand any of this shit” #Help

The irony is as much as things change many things stay the same.

The rage now are these belly teas and waist trainers. Sorry to tell you kids but most these 30 year old women you see today were doing that from High School.

Don’t look at me like that.

Y’all are gonna act like those big ass skirt waist bands didn’t hide the truth?

Pictured above: Women finding new and inventive ways to hurt themselves

Please understand that we’re not far removed from this generation. Like them, there is/was classism. We were just as glued to watching satellite, cable, Nintendo as these kids their computers and laptops. I know I wasn’t the only one that came home, watched Neighbors, Dragon Ball Z, Toonami etc. We may not have been able to text but we all know about being on the phone with the long cord gossiping about the girls and guys in class….or trying to convince Sherelle with the big breasts to let you touch her vag for a sec….just a sec.

“No but right on the panties….ine ga push my finger in….Promise #OurLiarDetectorTestsHaveDeterminedThatWasALie “

Every generation has their changes and nuances and to that I say Godspeed.

My parents talk about having to walk miles to school. Their parents would talk about walking barefoot 200 miles on hard rock. And their parents….

Oh…well….you get the point

I’m not saying we were better…its just different to watch things as they are now. You tend to forget that we’re not that far removed from their experience.

On Monday there will be traffic, there will be tears and there will be Facebook posts about lil Brendalaquishas first day of class.

To that I say go for it.

I’m not one of these people that gets annoyed with the “Their first day of class” Facebook posts because I’m quite comfortable with how strong my pullout game is…..not having a kid is not a concern for me. I can’t wait until little WhoDat goes to school so her and TImothy can not look in the camera for 227 pictures.

We knew it was his kid by its lack of eyes. #DaddysGirl #BabyWhoDis


But I know a lot of single people that get angry at their social media timeline every August. You guys need to relax. Let them enjoy this. No one said shit when you were posting endless pictures of bar hopping and…you know…fun.

“Woo hoo this techno music and liquor helps me forget I’m empty inside Woo Hoo!!!”

Everyone’s lives are different and people are allowed to enjoy things. I flood my FB with Anime, Hip Hop and my dumb thoughts. Couple pictures of Nal awkwardly trying to be a human with Kaizen isn’t gonna kill me.

Irony is he loves that kid but hates the rest of you #StayWoke


Here’s to another year of making purely selfish decisions, everyone else.

See you at the bar later…..lets talk about peoples ugly Facebook kids!


Honorable Mention:

Shout out to Gina Parks and the “get dropped off at 6:45am because our parents could care less about our safety” Kingsway crew. We didn’t get robbed or raped for 13years. #Survivors

Shout out to Government school kids walking to school at 11am talkin bout they “late”. No nigga you absent.

Shout out to St Johns and BBC kids… your best to survive.

Shout out to cool parents that still bang 90’s hip hop when they pull in the school yard because the children are the future and Wu Tang is for the babies.

Shout out to the single mom that will inevitably be putting on makeup and beating her kids while simultaneously driving late to drop them off. I see you, gorgeous.

Shout out to aunts and uncles that didn’t have to wake up to drop your sisters/brothers kids but did it for the culture.

Shout out to Ms Pernell. Drama on sight if I catch you slippin, beloved.

Shout out to tough parents dropping their kids off with no hugs and kisses. Maybe stop doing that cause your LiL Trump may one day be an asshole.

Shout out to teachers for having patience enough to not murder the aforementioned LiL Asshole.

And Shout out to my mother for putting 4 kids through Kingsway. Sorry for being mad at you for buying me Ewings out of City Market when I was begging for those Jordans you couldn’t afford. I was wrong then and grateful now. Love you, babygirl.


Keep your eyes north of the wall and Take Care