Take Her Swimming on The First Date.


Take ya Ma’ down to Goodman’s Bay and leave me alone.

Men, why can’t y’all just mind your own business? Literally, my entire timeline consists of guys “oohing” and “ahhing” at the magic of makeup and calling it sorcery. I genuinely only ever learn about new concealer tricks from y’all.


A girl happens to cover up her acne scars that YOU stay redding her about and now you want to get on your fake Kendrick-Lamar-soapbox talking about your search for an empress. How Sway? Where’s your empire!?

There’s this mindset that girls beat their face for men and while in some cases that may be true, I assure you no girl has ever walked into MAC saying “I’m  out of gold eyeshadow and that’s a problem cuz my man think I have naturally shimmery eyelids.”

Then there’s this concept of deceit. “She didn’t look like this on the first day so she’s a liar.” Well, Reginald, you have three girlfriends working at the same Scotiabank branch so I’m going to need you to get your priorities in order.

I’ve been sitting, nay, lurking in the shadows of my cave, focusing on my own dark bank account (I’m about one Wendy’s Value meal away from homeless so I clearly have my own problems). Every so often though I poke my head out and see y’all getting gassed up by niggas like Tyreese and the rest of those “I sing about panties but you shouldn’t show them” types.


Remember when Trick Daddy (yes irrelevant Trick Daddy) damned the entire black female species to hell because he thought there was a lack of black women cooking in the kitchen while wearing waist trainers on the market? Remember how there was an uproar by black women and a good portion of you guys felt as if you needed to defend this monstrosity of a man in all of his irrelevance? Remember?

Women everywhere were like “Trick Daddy is out of pocket” and Y’all were like:


Recently, Gordon Mosely – a news editor out of Guyana, posted a status telling women they’re beautiful but they mustn’t let themselves go after marriage and having babies. They must continue to “dabble in makeup” and “treat yourself to shopping therapy” (his words I assure you).  Sound advice sir, but where exactly is your vagina located?

I ask this vulgar question because I feel as if the answer lies on the other side of a bridge where only one gender can freely cross without paying a toll. The Bridge of Double Standards that hovers over the Lake of Toxic Masculinity. On this bridge, you don’t need to have female genitalia to talk about what it’s like to give birth and the feelings that come after it.


Somebody is about to drag me for filth, I feel it in my spirit. No need. I live in Grand Bahama. I’ve clearly been punished enough for my misdeeds, but have a drink and hear me out.

The fact that  I can foreshadow my own demise for calling out chauvinism and misogyny is a prime example of being a member of that one gender that has to pay a toll to cross the bridge.

Everything that women do is placed under a microscope whose lenses were created by chauvinistic and double standard filled creatures of mediocrity. I told you to have a drink.

I told you to have a drink.

If you still think this post is just about makeup you’ve missed the point. Somebody is about to talk about gender roles and the standards men have to live up to in society and I feel you, but you’re not about to All Lives Matter this very specific discussion.

The same Gordon Mosely with his thousands of followers followed up his comments by saying that even though he doesn’t march and speak out against domestic abuse, he doesn’t condone it. So let’s pause for a brief moment. You have the time to speak out about the way you think women should carry themselves but you don’t have the time to speak out against the issues plaguing the same women you seem to care so much about? Promoting the former while ignoring the latter is a continuation of a cycle built on control and isn’t that what domestic abuse is?

The second you feel as if you have some sort of say in the appearance of a woman, you’ve claimed ownership to her body, whether you realize it or not.  My body…our bodies are not up for your commentary or control. We put our makeup on and we’re told we’re prioritizing the wrong things. We’re told that we don’t love ourselves and in order to see the real us, you’d love to take us on a date we didn’t even ask to go on. A date that consists of you finding out whether or not our physical attributes are good enough for you to consider. In the lightest of your jokes, we’re still considered as property, assets, and goods that need to be assessed before consumed. And on the other hand, if we prioritize our families or simply decide that makeup isn’t our thing then somehow we’ve “Let ourselves go.” For once I’d love for some men to realize that the world in all of its intricacies spinning on an axis of God’s grace does not revolve around them.


Someone is about to say “ Ash you’re reaching.” Good. Now I want you to reach for one valid reason as to why it’s OK for men to think they have some claim to the smile that I don’t wear or the skirt that’s as short as I want it to be. Find me one reason why it’s OK for them to comment about the hair on our heads and engage in debates on real versus fake hair or the benefits of having a girl that wears good Remy versus a girl who embraces her African roots. I want you to reach for one excusable reason why it’s OK for men to set the mandate for what is and is not OK to say to women who are genuinely just trying to get home. This may fly with some women but I know thousands of women that are not and will never be here for it.


Some of you may have girlfriends or wives that consider you before they get dressed in the morning. But don’t think for one second that our engagement in cosmetics or lack thereof has anything to do with you.

Take yourself swimming.