People You Meet in the (Bahamian) Workplace

By Drew

 

I’m a white collar guy with blue collar sensibilities.

Funny enough, people for some reason always assume I’m a security guard, bouncer, or just straight up the special needs large man that has come to lift heavy objects for them at their behest.

The most credit that I get is I’m the “I.T. guy” because my shirts are usually tight and I wear converse like it’s my job. Stereotypes aside, I’ve worked white collar jobs the majority of my life and in doing so I’ve come upon some characters but none so hilarious as the ones we have here in Nassau. Within that vein we need to discuss Bahamians in the workplace.

 

The Office Husband/Wife

We all have one, let’s not play dumb. There’s always that one person of the opposite sex that we gravitate towards but they have someone, as do you, so you just replace that someone with them between the hours of 9-5.

It’s a weird dynamic because for all intents and purposes you 2 would make an amazing couple and you have amazing chemistry but there’s always some caveat that forces you both not to press the issue.

Now don’t get it twisted: There’s always that one office house party where you’ve had a bit too much of the 19 Crimes and that “what if” moment happens.

The awkward kiss. The female to male neck embrace outside by the car with no one watching when you got a semi and pray to God she didn’t notice.

I wouldn’t suggest taking this too far because god help you if your work wife/husband is your superior cause if that shit goes left you may be out of a job….Or find in them a love that is so unique and pure that it surpasses understanding ripe with trust, empathy and everything you ever dreamed of.

lol…don’t mind me and keep your job cause rent gotta pay.

 

The Jungless

Looka you.

The second you read that title you knew exactly who the jungless was in your office. They’re the distributors of fake news. They’re the girl or guy that on Friday invites you to a club or party near a street that just recently had a murder but they are quick to explain why YOU won’t be murdered if you roll with them.

This is the adult that always has a ghetto explanation or theory that no one else has any idea what they’re talking about but the minute they leave everyone asks wtf they even meant by, “Niggas don’t want no dead chicken by they front door tonight!!!”.

The problem is the jungless have learned to hide in plain sight.

Gone are the days of multicolored weaves and men with their pants hanging off their asses. No no. Their movements are subtle and discreet. It takes a  keen eye to notice the holes in their game. One minute they are completing their progress reports on time and the next they are showing you a video of a hotel worker lesbian sex act on whatsapp that you didn’t know existed because you’re facebook is flooded with what Trump is doing but theirs has random Bahamians fighting and cursing on camera.

Now many of you look down on the jungless and that’s all fine and dandy……until you need a plug for some cheap lunch/liquor.

You know exactly what I mean. $4 Lunch? Type darkness is this!!

When you decide that Tuesday is a cheat day because Trump is president so who cares and you ask the office who has “good conch” (First off it’s in Chippingham but I can’t say no more or I’ll get shot. Secondly, word on the street is Conch Gone so proceed with caution. Stay Woke Tho.), who is the first to speak up? Goddamn right….the jungless.

They have a goddamn link to anything that you need. From narcotics to baby wipes. They have the hookup and they are necessary. Don’t look down on the jungless because sooner than later you WILL require their services.

P.S. If you want to know who the jungless is in your office play “Bedroom Bully” loud near them. Whoever can’t help but dance in their seat due to their inherent jungless instincts is indeed a jungless. Thank me later.

The Christian

Believe it or not this is the WORST of any of the people mentioned. Oh they love them some white Jesus but only when it’s convenient.

Understand that they use him as crutch to compensate for all the bullshit they did before they “gave themselves to him fully”.

Check the game tape.

No one is more nosey, judgemental, or just plain disgusting as the Christian in the workplace. The second shit goes wrong in their lives “the devil busy”. Um no. You got pregnant outside of marriage and your (married) baby daddy refuses to support you and your recent mistakes. The devil isn’t busy, you dumb.

Stop blaming the devil for you being bad as shit pre-Jesus.

Plus most of the time they found jesus a week before they even got to the job. Either that or “God is still working on them” when they decide to judge YOU for going to happy hour on Friday and using the F word like it’s your job. Listen up, Christian: Judge not lest you be judged. ie, fuck off. I don’t force you to come with me to happy hour because no. So please don’t force your Sunday Christianity down my throat because no one wants to put a tongue in yours. Go home, pray and go to sleep. And turn down the goddamn christian music….it’s conflicting with this Migos “Culture” album that I’m trying to blast and that’s annoying.

The “What the hell is their job?” Person

Every establishment has one person that no one knows what they do, how they do it or why they’re paying them. I’ve legit seen niggas skirt by for years and to this day I can’t tell you what exactly their purpose is in life. Messed up part is they’re normally the nicest niggas EVER. They come in, say what’s up. Offer you food and remember the names of your family (dogs). They always have a listening ear BECAUSE THEY DON’T WORK AND WANT TO DISTRACT YOU.

How to spot them you ask?

Check their computers every 20 minutes. If their shit is always on the same spreadsheet or email then you know they have done nadda all day/in life. They come to work with a plan.

If its a female she is taking her 50th selfie while simultaneously asking your busy ass how your day’s going. Understand that they will outlast you at the job so it’s in your best interest not to mess with them. The more time you spend trying to figure out what they do the less time you have before your boss is up your ass. Acknowledge them and let them live, beloved.

 

 

“Probably lose it and kill everyone in the office” Person

This is the human you REALLY don’t mess with. They have been at the job either 40 years or 6 months but all you know is they have NEVER been here for this bullshit. They murmur to themselves far more than you’re comfortable with and every time they get mad they have to go outside “before they snap”.

You know that guy or gal that keeps insisting they need their coffee in the morning? That’s them.

Also anyone that pulls up to work at 8:52am but waits until their dash clock hits 8:59:59am before they come out of their vehicle is primed and ready to kill everybody on that job. Special points if they are playing gospel music cause then it’s a holy war and they are ready to kill you in Jehovah’s name because Jesus. Buy them candy and bring them their favorite coffee once a week. Make small gestures to let them know that you fake give a fuck about their lives but REALLY need to live to see Beyonce raise these twins alone when Jay Z inevitably leaves her in 5 years.

The Suck Up

Any man that overuses the word”bro” or any female that is too extra with her”white voice” is a suck up.

And yes, I said white voice.

There’s a difference between being articulate and polite and just plain being a goddamn fake. Usually this is the person that went to government school, grew up in the “good part” of the hood and is overcompensating for their insecurities.

We see you, fake suck up niggas.

Understand that any real person knows how to switch their shit up. I walk into work and my phrases switch depending on who I’m greeting. My journey from car to office sounds like:

“Ya bey, wha ya say? Erry ting  bless wit you?”

“Oh hey Neil. Got those forms I need to get to those stores but I’ll get those sorted for you in short order”

“Ya bey Pablo…..iDem like do shit bey but erryting cool…lol…Bless ma’lord”.

“Oh hi Ms Gibson. Hows Eric? You guys go to the lake this weekend?”

Now that may seem fake but I’m both of those people. I can be that nigga or I can be “that nigga”. Either way its me. Catch me at the barber shop and I’m talking shit like the rest but I know exactly how to talk to Bobby and Diana on a conference call from Missouri

But the suck up? They go out of their way to take that extra slice of their integrity thinking it will get them ahead. The funny thing is they are an accumulation of everyone on this list. They are as batshit crazy as the crazy person, they don’t do shit at work, they are usually creepy, and probably in a relationship that they are also faking. In essence they are just horrible people.

For quick recognition, it’s normally the guy with a bluetooth headset or that wears his phone on his belt. Or the female that did toastmasters and speaks quite articulately but always has an excuse as to why she’s not getting shit done. They are a cancer to all business and should have piping hot coffee thrown at them on sight!

 

No, y’all don’t get a witty conclusion. Stop reading this and get to work.

 

Stay(gainfully)Woke

 

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