Things Bahamians Should Keep Doing In 2017 (…And Things We Need To Leave In 2016)

By Drew

 

Its 2017.

Trump is president, Perry is Prime Minister, Moncur is in the senate and every time we ask about where the VAT money is going some new distraction pops up causing us to forget.

I think we can all agree that 2016 was a relatively shitty year but not necessarily all of it.

Loretta touched my chest (literally), we finally got a new Frank Ocean AND Childish Gambino album and Satan found love and got married….

I’m an optimist so I try to take the good with the bad and make the best of it. So as much as I would like to bash Bahamians and call y’all dumb I have to admit that there’s good that came out of 2016 that we need to continue and definitely some bad shit that needs to be left behind.

Bahamians love drama.

We’re a pretty divided nation politically, religiously, socially…..junkanoo-ingly. But one thing I can say, when its time for us to come together and get in formation we get in goddamn formation. Shaunae Miller brought home the gold in the Olympics by diving across the finish line and we could not have been more proud.

But then Americans decided to get light skinededly in their feelings and attack our Bahamian golden girl about the same goddamn dive they had done in races past in order to win.

Lol….silly rabbits.

We came for them….we came for ALL of them.

Bahamian Twitter, Facebook, Snap, Instagram….fucking even Tumblr was set ablaze with Bahamians collectively requesting that every American with an opinion that wasn’t congratulating her for the win to carry their ocean wide “cunnies”. I mean it was relentless the amount of cunnies that we requested to leave let alone carry themselves away from the situation. Now I know that’s not the most politically correct thing that could have come out of our mouths but to hell with that bullshit. No one talks shit about any Bahamians on a global level….

Now even though I applaud our patriotism last year and how we all came together for a common cause…..can we also come together and decide to…I don’t know…..fucking read?

Ya, I was pissed off with the “Yes” vote but I was more pissed off that people didn’t even read the goddamn ballot. I won’t even get into how groups tried to break the ballots down and explain the shit. (Or worse, people who understood the vote and still voted No) I’m talking about niggas who were told that voting yes is voting for the gays and lost their entire minds without even informing themselves.

The irony of it is niggas didn’t read the ballot to understand what they were voting for but were quick to quote the Bible, a book 1000 pages longer than the goddamn ballot, sift through it and FIND the passages that related to women and gays.

Really niggas?

You skipped over not eating shrimp, gluttony, stoning unwed mothers, and not eating pork to find the one passage that you didn’t agree with? Your hate is that compartmentalized and specific that you wont read the paper you’re signing but you ready to sift through a book longer than giraffe dick?

Y’all niggas petty on another level.

Its not funny anymore…..READ BAHAMAS. Be informed. And stop being mad at the gays.

As for the Bahamian homosexuals: Stop likin man.

No no….not in the derogatory sense. I fully support your love and rights. That’s legit documented that I have no issue with you peeps. I mean that as a term of endearment. Whichever committee y’all have please tell these Young MA-esque gals they are not men and they will get touched in these streets for acting so.

I’m seeing a lot of these 5’3, 110lb girls with their pants sagging and Jordans on pretending to be guys and flexing on niggas like they are. Listen, we’re all equal and if that’s your girlfriend whose ass I was visually celebrating then much apologies and God bless, madam. But don’t flex on grown men like you can physically harm them…..we are not built the same.

I had a situation under the bridge last year where a friend and I were, um, looking at a girls behind……. from a distance of course (Blame Trump). Only to have some not-a-nigga yell out, “Fuck y’all lookin at?”

Ladies and gentleman please understand that I am not tough.

I went to Kingsway Academy, had both parents in the home and my favorite Artist is Anita Baker. I call myself a pacifist but that’s just my way of telling niggas I don’t want any problems.

But PLEASE BELIEVE the only reason I didn’t put hands on LiL Not-A-Nigga was because I figured if she’s gonna yell that out at 2 grown men over 6’2 then she HAS to have a gun.

So we pussied out and turned our heads like little bitches told her to have a good day and carried on with our evening.

Love who you want to love.

Be with who you want to be with: Not my business. But check your privilege because unlike myself, niggas carry guns too and wont back down as easy in the name of peace.

Speaking of peace.

Know what my biggest fear in life is? Being in the middle of 200+ Bahamians doing anything at any time because niggas love to throw a chair in a crowd just to spark some shit.

But somehow, someway, we managed to have a whole march, dressed in black mind you……and not a single incident.

And whats worse, the march was for change and progression. I have never seen so many march for such a cause without a single fight. Especially not in Nassau. We may not all agree with the methods or message but for that many people to come together with a single voice and let their message be heard peacefully…..that’s quite a feat. We should be proud of that and hold our heads high.

Well….not “our  heads” cause I didn’t march. I fully support y’all but the sun hot man and money gotta make and BPL ain cheap.

Naw…..that wasn’t a fun segue into bad mouthing BPL.

Niggas had rolling black outs during a cold front…..they kinda do the work for me at this point.

I will however  congratulate Aliv for what they did to BTC.

I have never gotten so many texts from a company in my goddamn life. BTC text me more than any girl I ever dated. And they were texting the dumbest deals.

They so scared….lol.

So thank God for Aliv keeping them honest in 2016 and putting some fire under their asses to do what they should have been doing all this time.

That said, something else happened in 2016 that we need to address.

Ladies, can we talk for a sec?

I know makeup is fun.

Look at me, beloved. I know it is.

But I see these transformation videos on youtube and I am confused if makeup is actually even not a sin cause….

Do not confuse me: It is your right to beautify yourself and make yourself as fuckable  beautiful as you so desire.

Not my business.

But, if I may…..show your truth to a nigga BEFORE you get him in bed. I’m hearing horror stories about niggas going to sleep with one female and waking up with another. Chicks out here are like reverse Disney movies: Start off with Belle and wake up to the beast. You deserve love too, don’t get me wrong, but not via deception is all I’m saying.

And as for you niggas….leave these females alone in the name of morally woke white Jesus.

How is it my sisters still don’t feel comfortable going places for fear of being harassed in goddamn 2017? Nothing wrong with professional gazing. A little side eye at a spectacular ass or a quick glimpse at some lovely bressss *Nal voice*….nothing wrong with it.

Women do it too.

But please stop touching women’s arms and body parts knowing your breath hot and that’s not your woman to touch.

Admire from afar. Discuss among yourselves. Keep it moving. Its that simple guys.

Man up.

And while we’re on the topic….shout out to the fathers in 2016.

This deserves an entire article but for now I just want to acknowledge the fact that last year I noticed WAY more fathers taking kids to school, picking up from school, in the mall, in the park…..just doing their jobs. And no I’m not giving them props for doing what they’re supposed to be doing but men on this island especially get a bad rap for not being there for their kids. I am proud of what I see Renaldo doing with Kaizen and what my boy Tristan is doing with his son. These are the quiet heroes that people don’t like to acknowledge because gals.

Ladies if you are not in a relationship with a nigga that is out here taking care of his seed regardless of the fact that you 2 couldn’t make it work then you are not a single mother, beloved. You are a single woman.

Stay woke.

In the end I think it was a year full of challenges. But we rode the wave and we got through it.

I’m proud of our little island.

Year by year we face the challenges. Sure its frustrating sometimes and yeah….moving seems like a much better option more times than not. But this is our home…..these are our people. We should be willing to take critique just as easily as we accept praise because lord knows we’re in need of both. I know we, 10^th Year Seniors, are not always easy to digest. We don’t play well with others but we mean well. Please know we appreciate the support and we are grateful for every like, share, and retweet. Blessings to you and yours this year from all of us (Yes even Nal). We hope we weren’t what you expected.

 

2016 Honorable mentions:

Kickass blogs (The Chill, Shift the Culture, SheSoMajor, Harrison Thompson etc)

Carmichael Popoeyes built and opened over night.

Bamboo Shack east finally getting conch.

Feb 5th

Gals with real eyebrows

Smugglers calamari

Gals with good weaves because they studied hard in school

Johnathon Marcus Nutterson for holding it down during Matchew #NeverForget

Thighs

Girls with Natural hair/Halle Berry cuts

The False God Ricardo Wells for letting me meet Loretta

Kevin Fox and Randolph…..much appreciated.

Dakarai’s bed

Seagrapes Liquor store for their convenient location and reasonable prices.

Elephant pants

Valley Boys letting niggas live………..then putting their foot in these groups asses to remind them of their place in life.

Timothy having a steady income

 

(More) things we need to leave behind:

Fake Eyebrows

Bad weaves/wigs/hair

Fake pregnancies

Niggas wearing weight belts to bench press light weight

Gay niggas marrying straight women

Bahamians liking man and being homophobic

Rodney Moncur

Perry Christie

“Fleek”

Loom(in)

Snapchat filters

Non fitness people claiming #FitLife

Loretta not being my girlfriend

Wendys Fish wrap

Sannie

 

Stay(Newly)Woke

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